Random Thoughts of the Past Week

OK, so I had my little nervous breakdown with this committee. And after two days of fretting about it I got SO EXCITED! I was ready to tackle the world and I got all my binders of stuff I have researched and kept and done for this ministry out and organized it all again. I was really excited for this committee. I was going to stand up and be the leader in the group and things were going to go great.

So we had a meeting Monday night that was open to all. There were no more then 10 of us, and our first meetings had 30ish people. Then some walked in that are on this temporary committee and they didn’t even know they were! NO ONE KNEW! I knew because I was a stalker e-mailer (not really), but I e-mailed twice about it and Fr. Dave told me. I assumed (and now we all know what happens when we do that) everyone else got a call.

So it was a quick meeting because WE DON’T HAVE PEOPLE IN CHARGE TO MAKE ANY DECISIONS TO DISCUSS! And there is a LACK OF COMMUNICATION!!!! If we don’t keep this ministry in the front of everyone’s eyes then people will not make it a priority.

So then the people on the committee were to stay after to make a meeting time. And there was one person who stayed that wasn’t on the list and there was another (the one I don’t agree with who is not on the list either!) stayed and made plans for the meeting. This is what happens when there isn’t a person in charge who is willing to be tough and make calls.

I feel like this is one step forward then two steps back. We aren’t getting anywhere. It is just extremely frustrating when you are called to something and know the potential something has and it can’t live up to it because of a lack of communication and leadership.

I do have a feeling that Fr. Dave would like me to step up and be the leader for this small temporary committee. He asks me a lot of questions and direct me to do things. I feel like he is (hopefully) trying to show other people that he trusts me to be the go-to girl.

I guess I can only hope and pray that this all works out. For the good of the people of Chateau, Haiti. Lord knows they need it. I know that we all can come together and get this ministry rolling, it is just a matter of working out the kinks that were left for us. I guess I need to e-mail Fr. Dave and verify who is on and go from there.

And I just want to say that 2nd grade does not prepare kids for 3rd. At least not homework wise. Last year C had a page of math a night and a spelling test each week. In third grade it is 2 pages of math, 2-3 pages of language arts and sometime social studies. But there are no instructions so sometime I am unsure (it took a while to totally remember subject and predicates). But seriously going from maybe 10 minutes a night to an hour and a half a night? It is a little much I think.

But beyond the stresses (which are wreaking havoc on my face – really bad breakouts at my age?), I am feeling at peace. I have been jamming out to Jeremy Camp lately. His new CD came out yesterday and was good. I kind of want to look at Natalie Grant’s CD that came out yesterday too. Music is such a soothing, almost medicinal, agent for me. I love it and it speaks to me.

I was asked last night at my Psi Iota Xi meeting about what surprised me most about Haiti. I was taken aback by that question. No one has ever sat down and asked a lot of questions. It was hard because everything was surprising but then again nothing was. I knew what to expect and built it up to be worse (other then PaP – nothing you can imagine is worse then that). But it was so nice to talk to someone, even if it was 5 minutes. I miss that place and I still feel like I need to do more talking about it or something. There is still something stirring in me. Maybe it is to write a book. I always wanted to write a book and someone told me to write a children’s book about Haiti. I don’t know. There I something still moving inside. I just need to spend some quiet time with Christ to figure out what it is.

On a fun note, I bought a bible study. It is a Great Adventure study by Jeff Cavins. It is the first one. A Quick Journey Through the bible. Since I have never really read the bible nor done a study this seemed to be the place to start. Here is the site: http://bit.ly/c4LWtt. I will have to let you know how it goes. I am excited to get started.

Gosh this was a random post, just like me I guess. :)

A Little Confused

So I e-mail Fr. Dave on Monday and just asked for the names of the committee. I was defeated and I just wanted to know who they were and how to contact at least one of them to voice any concerns, because we all know I was saving my ideas. Bad Sarah.

So he e-mailed me back. I read it and he was like we do have a committee (my eyes are filling with tears as I contemplate running to the bathroom to let the water works flow) and there will be an announcement in the bulletin this Sunday. (I keep reminding myself that I did all I could and it was out of my hands and I needed to trust God that He knew what He was doing and had a plan for me that would be much better.) He said he attached the blurb and then said that he was still waiting on our Haiti 7 meeting up at the lake.

I read and reread this message about five times and couldn’t for the life of me see where this blurb was. I was going out of my mind! Why was he making me wait to see who these people were??? I hit reply to let him know he forgot that and I quickly canceled that message. I thought to myself, Sarah, calm down, obviously it wasn’t meant to be and you aren’t supposed to know right now (sometimes 3rd person talk is necessary, I swear). Heartbroken I read the message one more time, I needed to let it settle and I have a thing against odd numbers. So the sixth time I realized the blurb was there and just a different font. Why do people do that to me?? My brain doesn’t process two different fonts, to me that means old message or not important. So there I saw it. I read it and it was a reminder for our meeting and telling we do have a committee and who they were. The first name I read was a person whom I think I am similar to. (My dad was say we are hyper drive people – and I am and then mix in a little type A and a lot of passion.) So I felt a little better and then there were some other random people and some people who I think are annoying and some I think will not be strong willed enough to over come my match in hyper driveness. Yes, hyper drive is a word – in my mind. So I was satisfied but not happy about this. Then I saw it. How could my mind skip over these two words? I really must have not been processing anything correctly yesterday. It was my name! Me! Miss Passionate Hyper Drive Type A Over Bearer herself!

My heart sang, I swear. It danced and sang and cried out in thanks to Him! I told my brother and my dad and they both were excited for me. And I realized that the one person who was directing us before was absent from that list. I am not sure why and I am sure she will still have her hands on it in one way or another, but this is my time to try and turn this around. To make it a selfish ministry and not a self-serving ministry.

Then something happened by the end of the day. I lost my excitement. It was gone, poof. I am not sure if it was because I was frustrated that I had no computer yesterday for 4 hours at work due to updates and such so I walked around and my feet hurt because I decided to wear heels instead of sandals or if something in my heart changed. I am excited and ready to tackle this. And I sent a thank you e-mail to Fr. Dave too, once I could get to my e-mails again.

But I didn’t tell my mom and C wouldn’t really care, he is too young to see what the big deal is. It just wasn’t in the front of my mind. It was C’s first day of 3rd grade so that was a distraction too. But seriously, I was bummed at my lack of excitement.

Am I burned out? Was this just something I wanted because it might not have been likely that I get it? Was I just over thinking things? My mind was spinning with why I felt the way I did. Way too much doubt and thinking going on in my head.

Then it hit me. Besides Father, I am the only one that went to Haiti that is on this committee. And, honestly, I think Haiti impacted me more then Father. (He didn’t even really want to go to begin with.) But here I am an (almost) sole voice for the people we will be serving. The (almost) only person who was there and saw and smelled and felt and touched and heard Haiti and the people that call it home. I was so sad. One person is the mayor so he probably just has too much on his plate, but he was great publicity. One person backed out due to conflicts within and some family things. One person moved away. The other two aren’t on this (but one I was sort of happy about the absence, ok, fine I was REALLY ECSTATIC about it – but I do feel a little bad). Where are the voices for these people? You can’t understand until you are there.

I remember having a conversation with the one I didn’t get along with that went something along the lines of:
Me: We need a committee.
Her: We will when we get back, it will be those of us who are going.
Me: Oh ok.
There was more, but you get the gist.

I hope that Father and I can do justice to the people I have come to love so much.

I am so excited though honestly. I am going to go home tonight and find all the binders I have for Haiti and I probably need a few more to get everything organized. I have so much research on ministries and things that I need to share.

Lord, help me organize not only my materials but also my thoughts. Let me be the voice the people of Chateau deserve. Let me help lead this ministry in a way that will bring a smile to Your Face and glory to Your Name. Help me to be strong and voice my opinions, thoughts and ideas. Let me be strong to share my passion through my calling on that September night. Help me understand we all are passionate and have good ideas. Help me listen as well as speak. Help me to continue this passion, this calling in Your Name. Help us all put You first and the people of Chateau before ourselves and our wants, needs and desires.

Patience Part II

As I continue in my lesson of patience I am seeing how disciplined you have to be.

If you let me rant for a moment: PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!!

Ok, I feel better. I guess I just see this (Haiti committee formation) as being fundamental to the success and support to our cause. An e-mail stating who (or a quick update) would be great. Please and thank you. J

Also, to build credibility this ministry needs to keep its promises. It breaks my heart when we say we are going to do something and we don’t. Like getting a committee and a mission statement and a plan. And the column in the bulletin! I wrote the last one and offered that anytime they needed. And this coming Sunday’s bulletin is missing the column. There is a picture, a reminder of the next meeting and a thank you to all who supported us in April (a little late?) but they were scattered all over the place. Where is the column? Maybe people complained about the one I wrote and want to take a break, but by taking a break we are doing nothing but setting ourselves back.

But I am really trying to not e-mail Father. But now that we don’t have a bulletin column? I am a little torn.

This is such a hard place for me to be in. I know what this ministry can be, I can FEEL it. It is so close I can practically smell it. Every time I even think about Haiti my heart feels so alive. That or I need to go to the doctor. Ha! I feel so much love and passion from God for the people in Haiti and it literally hurts to not have my hands on this and help move it along.

I am also a nosey person and not knowing what is or is not going on is really hard for me. I just know that people will begin to support and join our mission and cause once we get a committee, values and goals in place.

Now that that is out of the way. I feel so uncomfortably comfortable. Like I have an itch so bad. Not one that requires ointment or anything. An itch that I am not quite in the right place. As my journey back to God gets deeper and deeper the more I realize I need something to change. I need a change of pace. I need a new start. But I feel like I can’t really work on that until I know about Haiti.

I feel like Haiti will play a huge part in my life and my calling from God. I just want to make sure I save room for a big part in the committee if I get chosen.

I read the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan and I am rereading it now, or trying to at least. I have about 12 books that I have started. I need to narrow it down and concentrate on them one at a time. But I listened to his Lukewarm and Loving It sermon (you can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X82kjL1hDYU) and it just really made me sad to see how lukewarm I am. And the book focuses on that too. It really makes you think and rethink a lot of stuff you have going on in life. And where you are headed in life and after. It makes me sad to see what American Christians have become.

I noticed it too in Haiti. These people rely on Christ fro everything, and I mean EVERYTHING! In Port au Prince I was at the Matthew 25 House and they have a camp on their soccer field and it has about 1,300 people on it. Every morning (at 5am – but well after the roosters start crowing) they sang praises to God and held a mass. How amazing are these people. They lost everything and are living in a tent and they still have faith and love for God. We get down (like me above) when things don’t go our way or something bad happens. We question and wonder and start to think He isn’t there for us. It is sad to see how much material things we have and how little faith.

I think that is where my uncomfortableness is coming from. I lack in everything they have in abundance and I shouldn’t. I have more then I deserve and I am still unhappy. I am still discouraged. I still question God. I want my plans to come to fruition, not His. I don’t know how to lean on Him completely and trust Him for everything. I have a car and a home and food and clothes and…things and I think I need more. I guess I do, I need more faith and hope. It is like the song By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

I got a ways to go in my journey, but I hope as I walk, I walk in His direction with faith, hope, patience, openness and love.

I hope that I don’t get comfortable in life and stay there.

Don’t Get Comfortable by Brandon Heath

Comfortable, don’t get comfortable.
I am gonna’ move this mountain then I’m gonna move you in.

Yesterday, this is not yesterday.
You were standing on my shoulders now; you’re standing on the edge.
You’ve been looking for a sign all this time.

I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love like you’ve never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song

So afraid but you don’t have to be afraid
Even if you make mistakes
You know that I’ll remain
You’ve been looking for a sign all this time.
If you seek you’ll find me every time

John Waller Speaks to Me

OK, maybe not exactly, but I got into my car after lunch today to go back to work and his song While I’m Waiting came on. I absolutely relate to and really REALLY like this song. And it fits with the way I am feeling today.

Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait


I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

This song is all about patience. This is something I do not have. I need to learn it. I expect things at lightning speed. I like to blame it on the fact that I am the youngest child and rottenly spoiled. But really, I can learn patience if I really want to. I don’t want to, but I need to. I expect people to fulfill their obligations and to be on time and to do what I asked. I expect meetings at work to start on time and to accomplish something, I expect my son to eat at meals and put his shoes on when asked and clean up when asked and to not lie about things, I expect my friends to be there for me and to be honest and to laugh with me, I expect cars on the road to go at least five over the speed limit and to get out of my way and to not drive like a crazy person and to use turn signals and not slam on their brakes when I am riding their tails and I expect things I am passionate about to run on my schedule at my pace. Not good qualities. But I am also quick to trust and laugh and smile. Those don’t seem too bad but the bad outweigh the good and it is something I need to work on pronto.

For instance, the committee formation for the Haiti Ministry. I haven’t heard from Fr. Dave yet. I am hoping that means he hasn’t made a decision yet. If he did then putting my Haiti column in the bulletin was a consolation prize. I just worry as our next meeting is two weeks away and the committee is supposed to have a mission statement ready for the whole group to hear and vote on. And I was hoping we could have a vision and goals and plans (six months, one year, five years) and other documents the ministry will need. There is a chance that Fr. Dave hasn’t picked names yet, he is one to put thing off and we are down to him as our only priest and things come up. I understand that. But we need to get moving on this. And I feel like the person who started this whole thing (the one who is doing it to get herself into heaven) might have a swaying opinion and from our last encounter she is not too hot on me. She was rather rude and abrupt and off-putting. So I just don’t want to speak to her unless I have to, I don’t need someone looking down on me for having good seats at a Christian music festival and says things in front of others to me about those seats. And I really don’t want to pester Fr. Dave again. I think I will give it a few more days. If it isn’t me I want to know who so I can talk to them about my concerns as the ministry moves forward.

But I feel like this is God telling me I need to be patient. I need to wait and still serve Him even when things aren’t moving at my pace. It is a tough pill to swallow. To be patient when you really want something, and for me it is more then wanting. I feel so called to Haiti. So much so that I am willing to go down myself or find another organization to partner with. But I want to give my church and our ministry a chance. I want to learn patience from Him and to serve Him regardless. I want to sway the selfish outlook the ministry has right now and make it a selfless ministry. I don’t think I can stand for a ministry that is selfish, that isn’t Christ’s way. It isn’t what is taught in the bible and it most definitely is not they way in which Christ showed us.

Lord, help me with waiting. As much as I dislike waiting, help me see it is all on Your time. Let me bring Your name glory as I wait…patiently. Help me see the plan You have for me is far better then the one I plan for myself. Help Fr. Dave as he makes this important decision and guide the people that will lead this ministry to do so in a way that will make You proud. Help me to have the courage to stand up and voice my concerns. But most of all help me to be patient as Your works are being done. Help me to keep my eyes on You always and in everything I do, let it bring glory to You.

Sarah's Choice - Movie or Real Life?

So last night I thought I would watch Sarah’s Choice. It is a Christian movie about a woman who becomes pregnant and is being told to make a specific decision by people on both sides of the life debate. She is told she will receive three visions from God by a random woman and it will help her make a decision.

I was very pulled to this movie because of two reasons. One, my name is Sarah and two, I was in that same position at 16. Although I had my mind made up, my parents did not have the same idea as me. It was one of the hardest times of my life.

A little background on that time of my life. I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant. I thought I was in love, but what does a teenager know about that? I told my parents when I found out. I remember my mom going to puke and telling me he wished no one was around so she could punch me in the stomach so I would miscarry. I remember getting a list of things from my dad that I lost by getting pregnant (freedom, respect, innocence, being daddy’s little girl, like 12 different things) and which ones I would get back if I got an abortion. I am so glad that I don’t have that list today, if I did I think I would hate him. I got a letter from them as well. I remember one of my brothers hating me, telling me I ruined our good name, ruined his reputation too. I remember being asked countless times to rate my percentage of having the baby and aborting it. In my mind it was 100 to 0, but I would tell them 80 to 20 usually. I was emotional and didn’t have anyone to talk to as I was told I was not allowed to speak of it and I couldn’t bear to tell my friends that my parents were considering it. They finally made their mind up and told me the next day I would be calling to make an appointment at a clinic. I was devastated. I remember sitting on the step in the garage crying when I got home from school, my dad opened the door and pulled me into the house and dialed the phone and handed it to me as he got on another phone to make sure I really did it. I cried through that call and made the appointment. I was sick of everything that was going on. I couldn’t stand up for myself. My parents couldn’t even look at me and if they did it was with disgust. They barely talked to me and I withdrew from so many friends. Luckily word got out to someone who confronted me and she went and talk to a teacher who was friends with my mom and went through a similar situation. And my baby was saved. God surrounded me with people that were strong enough for me and the baby when I wasn’t. I don’t know if I ever thanked them, I am sure if I did it wasn’t enough. But I am so thankful. Thank you God for hearing my silent prayer, for sending people to rescue me from what I couldn’t rescue myself from.

They say God puts you through trials to rescue you from something else that could have been. I can’t imagine where I would be if I didn’t have my son. But I do know it wouldn’t be anywhere good. Thank you Lord for saving me from what I might have become.

You live and you learn and you move on and grow. You forgive, not forget totally, but you do forgive. I can look back at that time, well on my parents and realize they weren’t them for a while, just like I lost myself for a bit too. They still loved me and I them. And things are perfect between us too now. C came and taught us all a lesson.

But back to the movie. After it was over I cried my eyes out and sat on my bed and prayed. I gave thanks and praise for saving me and my son and for the people He sent to be strong when I wasn’t. I asked for guidance to be a better mom and more patient and caring and loving. (I think I forgot how to love from that ordeal aside from my son.) I want to be strong for someone someday like people were for me.

But I recommend that movie to anyone who was in a position like me, no matter what your decision ended up being. I think it showed a lot of how forgiving Christ is and how you can forgive yourself too. I still have a hard time forgiving myself for not being strong, for letting the situation get so out of hand even though I had him. It isn’t easy to navigate these feelings. And anything that can help, like this movie, can be a saving grace.

I also wanted to update you on the bulletin, my article will be in there! I looked at the PDF already for Sunday and it is there word for word, comma for comma. I am so excited! My name isn’t attached to it, but I think it is better that way. I don’t want the glory for it. I asked God to write it through me. It is His writing and His message. I am just the deliverer. So I am glad I have no credit in the bulletin for it.

I am still waiting to hear if I am on the temporary committee. I won’t get home until 7 tonight. C is going to sign up for football! But hopefully I have a message at home. (I wasn’t thinking when I put my home phone as the contact instead of my cell – oh well – God is teaching me patience J) I will let you all know tomorrow!

I think that is enough for today. Ha! I love how movies can evoke so much from me. Movies and music.

Back Home

I didn’t really have a lot of time to readjust. The day I got back my dad had tickets to Walking with the Dinosaurs and Carter had his First Communion that weekend and I found out my parents sold the Florida house. Not a lot of time to share stories. But not everyone feels passion for Haiti like I do and I won’t pressure them into listening to me babble. Maybe they will read this. It is amazing that even two weeks later I am still getting stopped everywhere I go. People are interested and positive. Some people, and I expected this, asked how my vacation was or asked if it was a good trip. It was not a vacation and no it wasn’t good. It was an amazing experience and it opened my eyes to devastation we could never imagine. It broke my heart and changed my life. It let me see a people who love and are happy with nothing, happier and more faithful then most of us. It wasn’t good to see people endure such hardships. It wasn’t good to hold orphans sleeping under tents on top of ruble with flies swarming them. It wasn’t good to see people living in the median of main roads. It wasn’t good to see people afraid to sleep in their home. It wasn’t good to see any of this. We all made it back safe and sound. That was good. But the trip can’t be explained as good. An amazing experience? Most definitely. People, I think, need to go through to truly appreciate what they have. But most will not. Most will do nothing. Hopefully they can participate in doing good works in some way, somewhere. To serve the people as Jesus Christ did in a selfless way. I can only hope, for all of us and for Haiti.

People are always surprised at my answer when they ask me if I will go back. My answer is in a heartbeat. I am not sure if they expected me to hate it or if they were surprised a spoiled girl would go again. But I like surprising people. This whole experience surprised me. It was so far out of my bubble, so far outside my comfort zone, so nothing I imagined I would do – but it is in the top five experiences in my life. I think having Carter is the only thing that can top it right now.

Now I am just tasked with figuring out where to go from here and where to put my efforts.

Now almost three and a hold months later I still get stopped, not near as much but still a little, to talk about my experience. My college alumni magazine is going to print some small paragraph about my travels. And people are coming around to the idea of mission work in Haiti in my church. I am still facing the leadership issues, the selfish motives and movement. I am still being ignored when I email some but I am just going straight to our priest now. That seems to be working a lot better.

He is deciding on a temporary committee tomorrow and I wholeheartedly want and feel called to be on it. I am a little nervous about finding out. But Fr. Dave asked me to write something for the bulletin for Sunday. He gave me about seven hours to come up with something. I think it was a test from him, and maybe even God. To see just how dedicated and proactive I can be. I did well. Fr. Dave loved it and it will be in the bulletin Sunday.

I really feel it was a piece that God wanted me to write. I sat down before I started typing and asked God to guide my fingers on the keyboard to put something together for His glory and not mine. To be His message and not mine. To move people for Him and not for me. It really is His words that came out of me I believe that. He was with me every step of the way. I can't wait to see it put in the bulletin and to hopefully see some people changed and wanting to get involved.

So everyone please say a quick prayer that the right people are chosen for the temporary committee. This new ministry needs strong and passionate people to lead, especially in the beginning. So, whether it is me or not, I pray that it is the right people to get this off the ground and moving.

Days Seven and Eight

April 27-28, 2010

Last night the dogs were fighting right next to our tent, only for about five seconds though. Amber said, it sounds like a bear growling, its like we really are camping! Ha! No one had a seizure last night! And we were woken up by beautiful singing at five. I am able to sleep through the roosters and goats, I might need these noised to sleep back home. We all got up and showered and repacked the suitcases we were bringing back home. Now all we had to do was wait for Domo to pick us up for the airport.

It is so sad to say goodbye. I didn’t think leaving would affect me like this. Even saying goodbye to Domo was hard. He turned into a good friend. We walked through security, shoes on, liquids in bags. I was really nervous. But it was just part one. Amber took all of our passports and got our tickets. I was surprised we didn’t have to verify that we were who we were. We went through immigration and handed our green cards we filled out on the way in back in. We went back through another security. I was impressed with it. It was tight. While we waiting in the terminal Fr. Dave, Amber and I went through morning prayers. Then it was time.

I snapped a picture as we lifted off. One last look at the country I left so much of me in. I was crying, trying to wipe tears without anyone noticing. I was sitting with Janet and Sue. I really did leave half my heart in Haiti. I can call it my second home. We landed in Florida and it was nice to be home. We went through immigration again. I had another nice guy. He asked if I had liquor and I said yes, how much, two bottles. He asked if I had any cigarettes and I said no, he was like I figured, you don’t seem like a smoker. Then he asked how long I was gone and I said just a week and he said that wasn’t enough and I told him not at all. And I was through. We took our luggage to where we needed to and we boarded a bus to take us to our terminal.

There was an ice cream place and john got his cookies and cream that he had been talking about all week. Brian, Sue and I went to get lunch at Chili’s. It was good conversation. We talked about Haiti. It infiltrates every moment of my life now. I could barely eat though. I felt so horrible for having such a big meal. We went to a bookstore and I grabbed a book because we have so much time before our next flight. I read for a while. There were babies everywhere at our gate. They were crying. I started crying. It took me back to the orphanage. Most of us went for a walk out side. We walked to the other terminals to see if there was a place to eat dinner. There wasn’t but it feels good to walk and stretch. It was warm out but not like Haiti. I had a jacket on and was perfectly comfortable. It will be weird to go back to chilly weather.

We ate dinner at Chili’s and then sat back down at our gate. Then before I knew it we were on our next flight. It was good to be closer to home. We grabbed our bags and Dave picked us up. We went to his house to grab the other car and a few things we left there. And then we were on our way. We talked through our week so we could remember it all. I do have to say I am glad we didn’t have to pray the rosary again. I was too tired. Janet drove for a couple hours and then Sue drove for an hour. Fr. Dave was fast asleep. Amber drove the last hour. I sat shot gun and we had fun just chatting.

I was dropped off first. It was maybe four?

I said hello to my parents and kissed Carter and then I went to bed. I couldn’t sleep. I was in a building that had glass in the windows and I was in a bed, not in a tent on rocks. I was going to have food in the morning and people who love me. I cried for a while. I had never felt so guilty. Morning came so fast. I said goodbye to Carter and told him I would pick him up from schools so we could spend time together. I was in to work a little after eight and I left at 2:45. And so my life begins again.

Day Six

April 26, 2010

Well today is the day. We are going back to PaP. It was sad to say goodbye. Many came to wish us farewell and safe travels.

The ride back was crazy. We took tons of people with us. We had Lucas. I held him for a bit until Domo made his mom take him. We found out his dad was the ref at the soccer game and his mom was here the whole time. She and Lucas were going to Orlando the next day. But his dad lives in PaP. We took the two dental boys back to PaP and Fabian to a city to visit her uncle. We had a few others too. After we dropped a few off I got in the bed of the truck. It was full of luggage and a chicken and people. But I like it back there better then inside. Amber about killed the chicken by stepping on it a few times. It is hard to say stop when you see it. All I could say was ‘chicken chicken chicken chicken!’ I think she got the point. But the poor chicken was in a bag with only his head sticking out. We had blown the spare tire the other day. We stopped in Les Cayes to get it fixed, that didn’t work so we had to stop again in the next city. That time it worked. This fixing of the tire was nothing like I have ever seen before. Using a crow bar to pry the tire off the wheel, hard manual labor, no fancy machines. The did have a compressor that they used old string to start it. The took the part that gets filled with air and put the part that was punctured over a flame and put something over it to melt to back together. Then putting it all back together. I was so impressed that these things got done by hands, we are so spoiled in America. And to think this is what these people (there were so many places to stop for this) that do this work every day. We also saw a few of the big wheel barrel looking things, (it is more of a trailer of a semi size) made of wood without a top full of heavy things that men walk from place to place. They make so much money but that specific job takes years off of their lives.

We stopped a bunch again. The ride back was quicker by fifteen minutes. The river that was too high before was now ok to cross. We went through a bunch of markets, scary! We about hit a bunch of people and that continued throughout the trip. People, cars, motorbike. I swear Doorville is one crazy driver. I heard Domo was even mad about it. We stopped again at Domo’s cousin’s. They had cherry juice and a gingerbread cake. We got to see the students there in school. They all yelled ‘blan blan blan!’ when they saw us. It means white. They were riled up. I felt bad for disturbing the lessons. They have cute pink uniforms. We were back on our way. Riding in the open air on top of the luggage through the dusty roads. We saw pieces of road destroyed from the quake. We also saw a couple huge boulders down. He found out a car was under them until a few weeks ago. There was someone in it. Wrong place at the wrong time. Story of the Haitians life that day for too many. I got a lot of pictures of destruction.

Once we made our final drop off in PaP Amber and I went inside the truck – the sun was so intense we were starting to burn and the smell in PaP is just horrible. We saw the palace, it was starting to be torn down. We saw the cathedral, what a sad sight. I found out later that Domo shared a story of where he was when the earthquake happened. He was driving and there was a little girl, nine he thought, was walking on the sidewalk. They have walls between the homes and sidewalks. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The wall fell on her right next to Domo’s truck and all he could see of her was her head and an arm. How awful that must have been to witness.

We made it back to PaP safe and sound. It was a relief to be back at M25. But I still missed Chateau. We put all our stuff where it belonged and claimed tents. Then we decided to go to the Sisters of Charity orphanage. We weren’t even sure if it was still operating but we wanted to see and try.

What an awful sight. When we got there we had to bang on the door. Someone came and Domo asked if we could help. She said no one has since the earthquake has volunteered but she would ask if we could. After that we were let in. We got there at 3:30 and we were going to have to leave by five. We walked through to the babies and children.

I can’t imagine letting children live in these conditions. We were told that their main building was damaged during the earthquake. All the kids were gotten out, but the building had to be torn down. Many kids were sent back to parents, another orphanage or started adoptions were expedited. They were down to about 60 from 150. Two tents (the ones you sell food out of at a fair) came into view. You saw men working on the ruble of the old building. I figured it was shade for the men. I was wrong. As we got closer you could see cribs in the tents. These kids were living in tents with no walls in blistering heat.

As we walked into the tents all you could hear and see were crying babies. It was mealtime so we got to help feed a few. There were older children in cribs too if they were hooked up to an IV. The older children that could feed themselves and were not hooked up to anything were at a small plastic table. John, Brian and Fr. Dave went to play and talk to them. They found a football so John and Brian were tossing it with the kids. They were running around men working on top of ruble with bare feet. How unsanitary. Most of these kids are sick. How can this be safe? How can anyone let kids live like this? I know they are fed and cleaned here but beyond that they get nothing. No love, no attention, no safety measures. No one is looking out for them. It breaks my heart to see these kids. The older ones are all smiles to see us and play. There was a little boy there who wouldn’t ay his name. The little girl said his name was Blan (white) – he was very pale. How sad that he is ostracized because of his coloring.

I went back into the tents. I was handed a bowl and told to feed a little girl. She was the only one not sitting up. I didn’t understand until I looked closer. This girl was nine months old, her bracelet told me. She was as skinny as my son was when he was born nine weeks early. She couldn’t even sit. I picked her up and held her as I fed her. She wouldn’t look at me, she didn’t make a noise, she was blank. Clearly neglected and malnourished. She only ate a little bit. The bowl was finally taken away from me. The little boy next to her was screaming his head off the entire time. He had one leg over the rail. Every time I went over to talk to him he backed away. I figured he was terrified of me. After a while of holding the little girl and not getting a response out of her I put her down. I looked around. There was a little girl across the way without a diaper on. She had open wounds and I saw the diaper was off to let some of the wounds breathe. She had over twenty flies swarming her. We all were scared to pick her up, not knowing whether we should or not and there was a language barrier with all the women working. I feel so bad I never picked her up. She needed it most. There was a little girl hooked up to an IV. I asked her what her name was. I can’t remember, but her smile lit the entire room. She was so happy to be asked a question, to have someone to talk to. She didn’t ask me anything and I couldn’t ask her anything. But we shared a moment and I pray it made a difference.

That little boy was still screaming so I grabbed him. Before I lifted him, as soon as my skin touched his the screaming stopped. He just wanted to be held. To feel loved. His name was Edison, he was a year and a half. He clung to my shirt for dear life and I broke down. How do these kids thrive without this? Without being held? I am crying with all the other babies because I can’t give them what they need and they aren’t getting it anywhere. Before I finished my thought Edison was asleep. He felt safe and loved, I am sure he hasn’t felt that good in a long time. I cried at the thought even harder. It is really hard trying to hide that much emotion from everyone. Every time I tried to put Edison down he woke up and would scream and cry again. He wouldn’t let me put him down. It broke my heart. I want to take him home so bad. I finally put him down to hold others. They all need to be held. Edison followed me with his eyes, the stink eye, as he cried watching me hold others. I went back to Edison a couple times. I was so pulled to him. Sue handed me a little girl. She was a year old and maybe nine pounds. She was blank too. I hate to see kids like that.

I went to the other tent (I couldn’t handle Edison crying, it hurt me too much), these kids were more sick, most hooked up to IVs or too sick to do much of anything. How horrible to see. Tiny babies, skinny kids, you could see the sick through their eyes. They need so much help. I went back to the other tent because there weren’t a lot to hold. I went back to Edison and spent the rest of my time with him. When it came time to leave I was bawling. I didn’t want to leave Edison, or any of these kids. They need our touch and love. I had to put Edison down and the tears fell from his eyes again. I kissed the top of his head and told him I was sorry. I bawled as we left the tents. John put his arm around me and told me I needed to stop, that the whole van would be crying.

I pulled it together until we started driving again. Seeing the camps and people living in the medians. I can’t understand how anyone can accept this as their life. But they don’t know any different and they don’t have a chance to make it better. I cried again. I can’t even comprehend what they go through. I can’t even process what I am feeling right now.

We made it back to M25 and I cried again remembering everything. People kept trying to talk to me but I couldn’t speak. I was going to start crying again. I couldn’t get those faces out of my head. I took some time to decompress. I went to the roof to try and get a picture of the sunset but I missed it. The moon was up and beautiful. It was right about the camp and I snapped a picture of that. A little girl came up and grabbed my hand. She was one of the cook’s daughters. I wanted to cry all over again at this gesture and looking at the camp. We exchanged names. Her name was Lovely. She was so sweet and just wanted to be near us. I wish I could have had a real conversation with her.

I called home then to let my parents know we were back and to start the phone tree. It was good to hear their voices but I was still so emotional. I couldn’t talk long.

We had dinner, lasagna. It was a treat in the cook’s eyes. After that we all bought stuff to take home. I bought a lot, but next time none of it will be there. It only took almost five years but I had plans of putting them up on my empty walls. All my walls are empty, I have tons of empty picture frames. It only took Haiti to give my walls a plan.

After that there was this guy who cornered all of us. He just wanted to talk but he isn’t the best communicator and I think has a seniority complex. We went to bed early, sort of, to get away from him.

Day Five

April 25, 2010

I slept so well last night! I am so relieved and no extra bug bites this morning. I still don’t itch. We all got up and showered and dressed in our Sunday best.

We got in the truck and went to mass. It was in the main chapel. It is a beautiful chapel. I noticed streamers and decoration, it reminded me we missed the people the other day. But in many churches there were flowers and streamers decorating the room, that is a big deal for them, to go as far as to get streamers and ribbon. I feel honored we are respected so much. Mass was packed and, of course, it didn’t start on time. But Fr. Dave, Fr. LaVoud and the retired bishop (who jokes Fr. LaVoud is his boss now) gave mass. It rained for a bit during mass. The bishop gave the homily, mentioning the rain, calling it a sign from God that we are the water that will help Chateau flourish. Domo was great translating the sermon and telling us when to give out offerings. Men first, but Sue and Janet made it up there before Domo could stop them. Then women, the women outnumbered and out-offered the men. Sometimes it seems things are so separated but then there are so many powerful women in charge.

We found out the sermon for Easter alone was an hour and a half. This one was quick, for our sake I am sure. They still thought we were leaving after breakfast. So it was sped along. Fr. Dave gave communion. His line was double the line the bishop had. It was neat to see people rushing him.

It was neat to see all the kids in the choir dressed in uniforms that were pristine. And there were different uniforms for different ranks and boys and girls had different uniforms, some might be for helping with mass. There was a guitar player and drums and maybe something else too. The men and women sat behind all the kids. We never saw a family together. I rarely saw women. Men would work the fields and the kids would swarm the rectory. I have to wonder what their families are like.

I know they take the ‘it takes a village’ saying seriously. Kids run around and everyone knows them and will take care of them if needed. Everyone is there to help and lend a hand and love. It is neat to see so much caring for people. We don’t get that here in the states.

Once mass was over we went back and had breakfast. There was so much food. A pumpkin soup, bananas, bread, sour sap juice. That juice is so good. John and I decided we were going to market it in the states with vodka or rum in it and call it Haitian Sour Punch. It would sell so well I think.

We had a little down time to change and figure out what we were leaving and what we were taking home with us and then we ate lunch. I wasn’t even hungry but there was so much food again. We had another soup and bread, chicken legs, rice and a bean sauce. It all is so good. I want these recipes.

We had more down time. We played with the kids and Sue wanted me to record her singing the song Magnificant. It is a beautiful song but took so long. And poor Domo was there to help too. He didn’t enjoy it and neither did I. And he was called so many things, Romo by John and Dumo by Sue. The poor guy, he works so hard and then is pulled even farther then required.

At three we had a meeting with Father. He gave us proposals on what it will cost to finish a few buildings, the rectory and church and we talked about funding for schools and a new chapel for the one that had no walls. It is a lot. I hope we can help. Some of the projects are over 300,000 goudes, but in American dollars it is a little over 9,000. I know people would man up to that. Lord knows they need it. The rectory is Father’s main mission. It is the central place for the entire community. It is a gathering place and a social service center. It represents the heart of the community. But it might be hard for people who don’t see that understand why that comes first.

We left for the soccer game after that. It was supposed to start at four, which in Haitian time means 5:10. Our team won! Amber scored three goals, but none of them counted for one reason or another. We were bombarded by people wanting money to go to school. And smiling kids. This soccer game was as big as Monday night football, and just as serious. After the game we went back to the rectory. Tons of kids piled into the bed of the truck for a ride. Donut (John’s bud) was throwing people off and got yelled at by John. One kid fell off during the ride. Domo was not happy about that. And Brian and John said that the kids (and really non of the Haitians do) have personal space. They were grabbing body parts just to stay aboard the truck. The kids love to touch us, our arms, our faces, our red noses, my mosquito bites (everyone noticed those today, I was a little embarrassed but there was nothing I could do about it), and our hair. They love to touch our hair and play with it. It is so different from theirs and thy love to touch it.

We had dinner, some pasta casserole thing. We weren’t sure what kind of meat was in it but it was good. We had wine and Haitian rum and coke and beer. There was so much fellowship that night. We all came together and became so close through this trip. There was a baby girl that we were passing around. I held her and put her asleep. She was so precious. I was sad when her mom came to get her. She definitely needed a diaper change. That was evident by the wet spot on my shirt. It is funny how things like that don’t gross you out after being in Haiti for a while.

The two dental students came in to talk about what they would like for the clinic. They even had eBay items to show us what they want and how much. It is all so expensive but at least everyone we have talked to has had proposals and plans. That is encouraging. We made sure they knew we couldn’t do it all and maybe nothing.

We got to check e-mails again. I accidentally sent mine to my dad’s work e-mail so I forwarded it along with another small message to my dad at his home address. I miss them all so much. The people of Chateau have become my second family though.

We talked about what time we are leaving in the morning. What a bittersweet conversation. I am so sad to be leaving. The other day Domo offered to build me a house and I could live there in Haiti and I seriously could. But I am so excited to see Carter and my parents. And I am so nervous about adjusting back to American culture. It is so easy to adjust to Haiti, but I have a feeling getting back into the swing of things will be very emotional.

Day Four

April 24, 2010

I couldn’t sleep last night. I had the meal prayer in my head ALL night long. Plus the bugs ate me alive last night just on my left arm and I was so hot and sweating. I was woken up by cockfights, I think, or maybe it was dinner being killed? :) I got maybe 2 hours of sleep total. But there is something about the air here that fills you up with energy.

I finally have to use the restroom but I can’t. I don’t want people in the other room. I want a little privacy but any time we do have to relax and use the restroom we are all near it. One of these days I am just going to have to woman up and do it.

The roosters were crowing, three of them all morning. I wonder if they were the ones fighting earlier and they are just yelling obscenities to each other. Ha!

We did so much today. It is all running together, I wish I wrote more about what we saw. I think we saw two more chapels and two private schools that are not run by the chapels or church. I hate to say it, but after visiting so many places all the requests and chapels and schools run into one big jumble.

I know one of the chapels we visited was a building and there were people. We got more fruit and Fr. LaVoud gave it to Domo to take home. You can only take so much fruit. And we had even more coconuts. I think I am going to poop whole coconuts if I have anymore. I know they are a good snack and in abundance there but man am I sick of them. Brian has been such a champ taking what we can’t. The upside of getting all this fruit is that we get juices all the time with meals. We had real lemonade, sour sap juice and there was a few others that I can’t think of. We also have tons of fresh fruit every morning for breakfast too. I try and only drink and eat a little because I am allergic to fresh fruits. But some of it is hard to resist.

The second chapel, I am not sure you can call it that. It is four posts and a roof with a cement floor. It is right at the edge of a mountain. There were a few people there and a couple small children playing at the edge. I couldn’t help but worry about their safety, but it is normal to them to play there. I also couldn’t help but wonder if they ever lost any children that way. These people here were on the ball. A man from Chateau that lived in PaP came back after the earthquake and wants to run for an office but until then his mission is to help his home community. He has big dreams for Chateau and I hope for all of the people there that at least some of them come true. They also wanted a new building by their feast, August 15^th. But like we did everywhere, we told them that right now we couldn’t promise anything except prayers right now. It kills me to see how much these people need. I wish I could bring them all home with me.

At one of the chapels, either today or yesterday, we heard pigs used to be used as a means to make money and barter as well as food. The government came in a while ago and had all the pigs killed because they were carrying a disease. New pigs were brought in but they all died because they couldn’t survive in the Haitian environment. And now the skills they have or products they sell are things others are growing or making themselves so there isn’t a lot of opportunity to make it. And if you are skilled you won’t be paid what you deserve and you go to the city. It is sad. You are stuck in between a rock and a hard place.

Fr. LaVoud took us to see a private school. And kids were playing soccer. Their ball was a little flat and many were barefoot. Amber and the guys all played. Fr. LaVoud even played. The first time in his six years there that he played with the kids! Fr. Dave plotted against Fr. LaVoud because he was a great goalie. Fr. Dave knocked him down so Amber could score. Fr. LaVoud ended up cutting his finger and getting one of those really tiny band-aids. It was so cute. We walked through the school, I am still not sure if it is really shut down or not and we met the man in charge.

We then went on a drive to Jean-Bertrand Aristide's villa. He was president a few times in the '90s and '00s. He was booted out of the country in 2004 and looters raided his villa. He had sisters and a school with the villa. It was sad to see what was left. It was looted as soon as he was gone. The building was beautiful. I would have loved to see it in its prime. The tile and the doors and balconies, it was all so amazing. You have to see it to believe it and sadly you have to imagine it furnished and in its glory as it sits empty and unlocked.

We went from the villa to a private school where a gentleman asked for help. He wanted his school to continue but needed help. He had a proposal. Janet and I toured his home. That was hard to see. It was maybe ten feet by ten feet – that might be an over-estimation. And I think it had about four rooms. There were raised mattresses to sleep on and what seemed to be a room used to cook possibly. Clutter was everywhere. But with such a small place, where would you put it. It makes me realized how blessed we are, not only at home but the area of Chateau. It doesn’t seem as bad off as I was expecting. But that also makes me wonder if we are really seeing it all or just parts of it. The poverty here must be so horrible to live through and yet there are smiles on everyone’s faces. We looked at the school and saw clotheslines in it and a couple women making purses out of gum wrappers. If nothing else these people know how to use everything available to them. I was so mentally exhausted by this point in time. I could barely listen and I hoped that there would be no coconuts, I don’t think there were. If they weren’t so messy to drink I don’t think they would be so bad on occasion.

I don’t think I will ever get sick of the views though. The mountains are all so beautiful and different. I love riding in the back of the truck. My butt does hurt though, I don’t think I will walk normal ever again. Ha! But the rides are amazing and you get to see so much more then when you sit inside the truck. I absolutely love it here. I am still here and can’t wait to come back. I hope I can make this into something I do on a somewhat regular basis. The roads were even worse today. It rained this morning, the first rain we have seen so the roads were a little muddy and so bumpy. Our tires were slipping a little but I have complete faith in Domo’s driving. It is weird that I am not scared. I hate heights and riding on the edge of the bed of a truck was never on my bucket list, but I am completely calm. Maybe it is because we have two priests to give me my last rights or maybe it is because I am where God wants me to be. Either way, I love the calm I feel.

Fr. LaVoud has been riding in the back of the truck with us most of the time. I swear he is a celebrity. Everywhere we go people say hello and run up to him. Kids are pulled to him like a magnet. Women will hug him and walk arm in arm with him. You can see how much he is loved and adored by everyone and you can see how devoted to them he is. It goes above and beyond anything I have ever seen. In his eyes you can see his faith and love and you can feel the servant’s heart he possesses. I am proud to know him. He is a faith-filled man who lets God guide him, he isn’t guiding his life in any selfish ways. Domo even said he would sign his life for him. Fr. LaVoud is a man of character and integrity and character and had taken this parish and made it into a God-centered, loving people. He told us in the beginning it wasn’t like this. People were standoffish and didn’t want a lot to do with him. But he earned their trust and when he gets moved to a new parish (which might be soon) it will be a sad day for all, even for us.

And Domo is another amazing person. He is funny and a great interpreter. He is so down to earth and laughs easily. I think he is having fun with our group. He has shared a lot of personal stories with us and I consider him part of our group, not just an interpreter. But he is great. We asked him to, no matter what we said, to make sure the message conveyed is that right now all we can offer is prayer and this will be a long process and I trust he did and is doing just that. I am proud to call him a friend. I do worry about him though, being in PaP during the earthquake, I am sure he witnessed a lot. He won’t even sleep in the rectory. He sleeps in his machine. I fear that the entire population of Haiti will forever be changed and scarred. No one knows how to build anything that can withstand a hurricane and an earthquake. I fear that they will make mistakes out of fear, only causing more damage and heartache. Haiti has become a home to me. Slowly I am leaving pieces of my heart with people here, with memories. I will always consider these people family and when they hurt, I will hurt right along with them.

Over the last day and a half we have seen so many pleading faces and heard so many needs and requests. I want to help them all and I hope someday we can in one way or another. I hope they don’t get discouraged or angry because it will take time, a long time, to get anywhere with as much as they need done. Most of it is fixing schools and chapels or building new. Funding for school is another big one. I would like to see them find work, but they need to learn trades. But when they learn something, what can they do with it. They are far away from tourists (Who won’t came now because of the earthquake) and everything they grow, so does their neighbor. It has to be hard to wake up every day and feel so helpless. I can’t even begin to understand what they feel. I am so lucky. I have a job and a house and a support system. These people have nothing but love for and from others. How do they do it?

We got back to the rectory for lunch. Is it really only lunchtime?? I swear time moves so slowly here. It is Haitian time I guess. I fell like it is four in the afternoon. But I guess when you wake up at five in the morning and are on the go, it does make for long days. They are long wonderful days. I couldn’t stop thinking of how much I have and how much I take for granted. As we ate lunch today I felt so sick. I wondered what the people we have been meeting with were eating or if they have food to eat today. We are eating like kings. It makes me feel so guilty. This is a reoccurring thought and it makes me sad that I can’t do anything right now. But we are seeing what we can do in the future. It will be too late for some but hopefully we can make a difference for others.

I am so exhausted today. That is what I get for not sleeping. I am just glad my bites don’t itch. I need a nap but we have a full afternoon of meetings and the art exhibition and then mass and a concert for us before dinner.

We ended up having a little bit of free time after lunch. It was so nice and relaxing. Except for my sore butt it was refreshing. We sat out front and Fr. Dave fed ants some of the candied nuts we received the day before from someone. We did a few of the afternoon prayers with Father and played from the front balcony with the kids out front throwing a ball back and forth. Once it got close to the art exhibition we went down and played some more with the kids.

As we walked to the new unfinished church for the exhibition we saw Lucas – he had had a haircut and I almost didn’t recognize him. I wonder about where he came from or who his parents are.

I was disappointed in the art exhibition. First off we were told they don’t deal with American money so many of us were sad about that. We really want to spend our money here in this area and we were told before leaving to not get goudes. We walked in and everything was in American dollars! I was so relieved. Until I looked around. There was Creamase, a liquor we all tried the night before they make in Chateau (each area makes their own, it is sort of like a strong Baileys) the gum wrapper purses, two skirts, two men’s shirts, some table clothes and a few baskets with a few other odds and ends. Nothing like what I was expecting. I was looking towards paintings and carvings and pottery or more variety in baskets. And everything was over priced. They have no idea what an American dollar is worth there so that is understandable. And I would rather pay more for an item there in Chateau. But there wasn’t much to get really. I bought some Creamase, a little thing made of reeds that said Haiti on it and a basket for forty-two dollars. Not bad, but not cheap.

When we were done we went back to the rectory and prepared ourselves for a meeting with the women chapel directors who wanted to plead their case for their requests. I felt bombarded and a little uncomfortable. I felt so bad for Domo who knew what was going on. He even looked so uncomfortable and as if it pained him to ask these questions to us. We had to reiterate that we can only prayers right now and any project we take is long term, nothing will happen quickly, and that Fr. LaVoud needs to be the one telling us what we need to focus on. The daughter of one of the women was there too. She looked mad the whole time. She said she wanted to talk to us with just her mother. So after all the requests and a few pictures of us all together we went back inside. She wanted us to send her to college in the city for nursing. She said there are no opportunities here and she needs to get out so she can come back and help here. We broke her heart, we can’t do anything yet and nothing without Fr. LaVoud’s say. She cried once she got outside. I hate letting people down, but I guess it comes with the territory here. They have nothing so they will ask for everything in case we say yes.

Mass was at 5. Many came. The children’s choir sang. Mass in Creole is so beautiful. Theresa, Amber and John spoke, with Domo’s help, of course. It was a special time with the people. And in Haiti you don’t touch the host, you let the priest put it in your mouth. I didn’t know that. But I will remember Saturday.

As soon as mass was over the kids set up for their performance. The new church is a circle and one side is stacked and the other half is open for seating. They must have brought the benches in from the main chapel. They had troubles getting the microphone set up, and it never worked. They needed to put the mic behind the speaker so it squeaked a lot. Finally they had someone hold it for all the kids. You know when you have a favorite song and you can’t get it out of your head. You just repeat it and repeat it and repeat it. That is Haiti. The songs are short but they repeat it so much. Too much. After a while we found out that the songs were a little provocative. The dancing should have tipped us off. We finally had to leave before it was over. We were expecting Christian songs. We left in two groups and once we were all back to the rectory we ate dinner. It is so nice to eat with everyone at every meal. It was some bullion soup with veggies and goat. I haven’t had a meal I disliked yet and goat seriously is so good.

We presented Fr. LaVoud with the chalice that was donated. We had it inscribed but you couldn’t read it. It has to oxidize. I hope it does that quickly. It says with prayers and support. He was so grateful and the girl in charge of the sacristy was there too at that moment. They had no idea it was a perfect moment and in God’s plan that she was there as she is in charge of it now. They loved it and were so thankful.

We asked Fr. LaVoud if he minded if we stayed Sunday night. He didn’t. Brian said another night here beats the hard rock hotel. We all were glad to be here another day. And Amber would be able to play in the soccer game Sunday.

I am so glad we have Domo, he is such a trooper. It has to be hard to go back and forth between languages and be so far from his family for so long. He is an amazing translator and man.

We prayed the rosary before bed with Fr. Dave. I lead a decade again. Then we all were tired and called it a night. It amazes me how tired you are but once you lay down to sleep, your mind races at the day you just had. It happens every night. There is just too much processing to do to fall asleep quickly.

Day Three

April 23, 2010

So the sun comes up early and the chickens are up even earlier with help later from the goats. That equals getting up at five or five-thirty. But once you open your eyes, at least for me, I am so ready to go. I slept so well. I found out the hard breather was a lizard as were the chirping bird noises too. They were a beautiful chorus to fall asleep to last night.

Once we were all up and showered we had mass – at seven – in the small chapel within the rectory. It was all in Creole but you could tell the different parts of mass. It was beautiful. Fr. LaVoud is an amazing man. You can see in his eyes and in the way he celebrates mass that he is faith driven and not self-driven. There were only three other women in the mass with us and they led the songs. They all had beautiful voices. Strong and beautiful. It seems like their voices embody the Haitian people. For anyone who endures such hardships in life has to be strong and to still have faith and smile every day makes them beautiful.

We ate breakfast. Fruit and bread with jelly or peanut butter or cheese. And I enjoyed their coffee. It was better then American coffee. We discussed our plans for the day over our meal. Today and tomorrow were going to be crazy busy with visiting chapels and schools and the clinic.

The clinic was our first stop it was across the street and down just a little ways. They shut down Friday afternoon as many of the workers live in Les Cayes. So we wanted to get the supplies to them before that. And Fr. LaVoud worries of the day they will ask to be paid more because he can barely pay them now. There are four workers and the two dental students. The four main workers would be similar to an RN a LPN and two lab techs. They give out bandages and simple medications. Anti-acids, anti-inflammatory meds, antibiotics, medications for Typhoid and worms and malaria. They don’t have much of anything and people pay only ten goudes a visit and sometimes pay for certain meds. It doesn’t cover costs at all. They work off of batteries and solar power and have a fridge hooked up to a LP tank. They don’t have any good medical or dental tables, chairs, tools – nothing that we would ever see.

They were so grateful for the supplies we did bring for them. And we saw the dental boys working on a man’s mouth. They have a home hooked on that the workers use during the week, M-F and they go back home for the weekends. No major medical problems are taken care of. What is done is usually a band-aid fix. If anything major needs to happen they have to find a ride into the nearest hospital. And that is at least a few hours away. There was a couple there waiting and one of the worker’s son was there. He was maybe two and he had a little kickball. He wanted to follow us all over, inside, outside, through all the rooms. He was adorable. And he loved getting his picture taken. He was more interested in see it so he would walk to you as you were taking it but he loved it. How cute it was to see such excitement over what we take for granted. I am constantly reminded of how we don’t even realize what we have.

We were on our way after that. We walked to the national school, which wasn’t too far. We met the principal, but he wouldn’t let us see a classroom. He didn’t want to disrupt classes, and when thee kids see a white person chaos happens, so I could respect that wish. There are 480 students from ages three or four until they finish and depending on when they started or how well they are learning it may be eighteen to twenty – and that isn’t high school. The principal was very knowledgeable and answered all our questions. Anything run by the Haitian government is a little scary to me, but this man seemed in charge and his own person. I did get the feeling he wasn’t really excited to see white people come to the community. I felt that around the school too. The little kids were so happy to see us. They love to gather around and see the circus – I swear that was what we were to them, a sideshow. Many have never seen a white person before. And while the younger kids wanted their picture taken and to talk to us the older kids wanted nothing to do with us. I can understand skepticism. I am sure others have promised to help before and nothing came from it. But they are entitled to their feelings no matter where they come from. I just hope next time they warm up to us a bit.

The truck met us at the school and once we were done spending time with some of the kids we were off again. Two chapels were on our list to hit before lunch. Fr. LaVoud seems worried because we are running behind. But then again, it seems time doesn’t exist in Haiti.

The first chapel we went to was amazing. Not the building, of course, although it was beautiful in its own way. But we walked in and there were children on one side and adults on the other. The kids were all in school uniforms. We learned this chapel runs an elementary school. But as soon as we walked in the kids started singing. They sang a few songs and the Madame who is the head of that chapel and also in charge of the school and teaching talked to us for a while. She is a strong woman. She stated their needs/wants and told us all about the area around the small chapel. We took questions from the adults and the kids sang again. I wonder if the kids had learned anything in the last month or so or just practiced those songs. But the Madame was amazing, making us feel welcome and like royalty. She talked to us and was appreciative of the prayerful support we offered. I wish we could do more right now but we can’t, not with out a lot of funding and backing from the parish.

The second chapel we visited was locked. Fr. LaVoud said they where there earlier but must have had things to do. I felt bad, like we were disappointing the people. We did get to look inside the windows at the school there. It has been shut down, but the building looked to be in good shape.

Back to the rectory for lunch. We had fish and vegetables in sauce with rice and beans. It was so delicious. There was a small boy of a year and a half maybe that came into the rectory. He ran up to Fr. LaVoud and sat on his lap. He stayed there until we all took turns holding him. We thought we heard he was sort of adopted by the priest because his parents were gone. How sad. He is the sweetest boy the cutest mile.

After lunch we were on to three more chapels. All with the same requests. New chapels, new schools. Help in any way. Again we could only promise prayers, I truly hope they understand. They are very appreciative of just prayers, I hope we can get something to someone here.

The first chapel of the afternoon had flowers everywhere. They had a strong female director. I am so impressed with the way these women take charge. Maybe they need to be in charge of the country. They had a few songs for us. A little girl ran up to Fr. LaVoud and sat on his lap. She ended up falling asleep in his arms. How wonderful to see a priest so involved with his people and not constrained by the stereotypes of priests. We were given so much fruit. And coconuts to eat and drink there. The chapel was very small and they needed and wanted so much.

The second chapel was closed and locked. We were going to have mass there Sunday so we would see it then. It also had a school not in use and this one looked ok to me too.

The third chapel was newer and bigger. It seemed newer. They were so worried about me sitting in the sun, I wasn’t burnt, but they didn’t want any of us to burn. Here we heard more requests. A man talked about his bakery crumbling. We saw it, an area that they used for dancing, and then they showed us the school.. It was sad to see so many schools shut down. As we walked through there was a pile of school workbooks. It pains me to see resources wasted and it serves as a warning that what we give them we need to be sure they will use it. There was one book sitting on a table, just like someone was coming back for it. It was sad to see it go unused. After that we walked back to the chapel and on the way a man had his son climb a palm tree – so impressive – barefoot with ho help and throw down coconuts. And then we were given so much fruit again.

I haven’t ever eaten so much coconut jelly and drank the water. I’m not really a fan but they offer and you cannot refuse. It was encouraging to see how grateful everyone was for us and how much people offered us – so many fruits. It was sad to hear how long they had been waiting for us to come, since December. We shouldn’t give them dates until we know for sure. But they all were so glad to have us now.

Throughout the travels of the day I saw views beyond belief. Post card worthy. The Haitians are sitting in paradise. For what they lack in things, they have in excess of beautiful land. The mountains are amazing to look at, we don’t get to see that much in Indiana. The palm trees are gorgeous. I did feel so bad for the animals. Most were tied up to trees or rocks and they were all so terrified of the truck. And then there were the dogs. All stray. But many had fur missing and parts swollen, it was so sad. The rides in the truck were so much fun. We were making turns at mountain’s edge with 500 to 800-foot drops. Crossing paths with edges on either side, bumpy roads of big rocks. It was fun and scary, but I never felt completely in danger. John started saying “OH MY!” and giving Domo directions to make himself feel safer. It turned into a joke after a while and Domo loved it too.

We made it back in time for dinner, goat, and these things that looked and tasted like thin crescent rolls with meat (I think) in them in circle shape, there was yams and even fries! And there was the spicy cabbage again! I love that stuff. This one had some lime juice in it too. I am beginning to seriously LOVE the food here.

After dinner we all went out front and played with the kids. We taught them a couple songs like ‘Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes’ and they taught us a few too. They were teaching us words and learning our words. We were counting and some even knew some Spanish! These are smart kids. I did wonder if they ever go to school though as they were around the rectory ALL the time. The guys were teaching them tricks and the hand slap game. A few of them know “I love you, baby!” HA! They are so funny. Some even tried to trick Brian and I into saying bad things, but we caught on. One of the guys kept laughing at my name. No one could say it right and I am wondering if it means something bad. I guess I will find out later as it is getting late. I am so glad I took a lot of pictures and recorded things. I don’t want to forget any of this. We were also told Lucas, who was there last night again, was living with his dad and that his mom was in New York or Miami or Washington DC. That just means she is in the US because those are the only cities they know – unless you talk about basketball. They love American basketball. I have no idea how or where they see it but they knew a lot of teams and players. I was sad for Lucas but glad he still had his dad. I would take him home in a heartbeat.

Oh, we got to use a computer tonight! The Internet works when the generator is running so I e-mailed home. Just a quick one. It reminded me of everyone back home, not that I forgot, but you do get wrapped up in everything here.

Day Two

April 22, 2010

I have to admit that sleeping in a tent, on rocks, is easier then I expected. I slept so well. It did take a while to fall asleep. I heard there was a man from the camp who was walking in the street who had a seizure. The Haitians believe seizures (and really any deformity or retardation or illness) are a curse, usually from voodoo that was put on them or their parents. The camp was loud and scared and no one could calm down as they feared a demon was in the man. He had to be taken to his parents’ house to calm the camp. It is so sad to realize this is a reality here, this way of thinking. We all were woken up at five this morning to beautiful singing coming from the camp. I guess they sing songs of praise and have a mass every morning. I guess in reality we were all up earlier then that. The chickens start at two and the goats chime in at four. You get used to it and it is almost soothing. And there are guards that stay up all night too to make sure everything stays under control – that made me feel better.

I peed this morning. I think the first time since arriving yesterday. It is so hot you just sweat it all out. I remembered the rules, if its yellow let it mellow, if its brown flush it down. And all toilet paper, unless it is brown gets thrown into the trash.

I showered, but now ten minutes later I am drenched again in sweat. And showers here are so different. You have to take a military shower and there is no such thing as warm water. Turn the water on and rinse off and wet your hair and turn it back off. You suds up and wash your hair. Turn the water back on and rinse off again and rinse your hair out. Maybe 45 seconds of water usage. But it is the best 45 seconds of your day when you are hot and dirty.

At six a few of us went into the camp to help pour milk for the children. There are a few guys who mix milk, all milk is in powder form in Haiti due to the lack of refrigeration. I took pictures as Amber and John did the work. It was great to see the men in charge making sure the cups were clean, and if they weren’t they were vigilant about cleaning them for the kids. It was good to know they kids are getting some milk every day. They line up from smallest to biggest with boys on one side and girls on the other. And if any small children show up late the older kids will make sure the smaller ones get in line before them. I couldn’t stop and hope that they eat today. The men running the camp are very self sufficient, wanting no help from M25. It is nice to see them take charge, and they really seem like they know what they are doing.

As we waited for Domo and Fr. LaVoud to arrive we had time to gather our things and reflect. Amber and Fr. Dave were going up to the roof to do his morning prayer and invited anyone that wanted to join to follow. I figured I would see what it was all about so I followed. Fr. Dave even let me read some. It was a neat experience to do this with Fr. Dave. I never realized how much priests pray. But I enjoyed it. While it might be that the prayers aren’t understood, but Fr. Dave said you do it anyway for the good of the parish, not for your understanding. We had mass out front with anyone who wanted to join in. Fr. Dave presided and we all got to pick songs to sing. It was beautiful.

We waited a while longer for the driver from Chateau. Finally a truck pulled up with three people in it. We were so confused. The two were from PaP we found out, only tagging along to see if they could do any job for a few dollars. They loaded the truck for us and wouldn’t leave for the longest time. We finally had to pay then five dollars to get them out of our hair. The other gentleman sat off to the side, didn’t smile at us, didn’t say hello. He was on his cell phone the whole time. Theresa had talked to him a bit and she told us he was Fr. LaVoud. We all were so worried. He didn’t seem like a priest. He didn’t seem like anyone we wanted to associate with. Finally after talking to him again Theresa found out he was a hired driver Fr. LaVoud sent with his truck. We were so relieved. Domo showed up shortly thereafter and we were on out way.

Theresa, John, Amber and I with the driver Fr. LaVoud sent and everyone else with Domo. Doorville (spelling?), our driver is crazy on the road. And the roads are even crazier. We stopped at a grocery store to pick up odds and ends Theresa wanted. And we were on our way. In the city, everywhere you look, you see Digicel billboards, stores and vendors on the streets. Now that Haiti has cell phone service it is a must have item. And you see how ripped of we are when it comes to phones. They cost around $40 there but minutes are pretty expensive.

Once we were on our way again my stomach started turning. I was feeling so sick. Not because of food or illness. It was because of the destruction. Beautiful buildings, homes, people’s entire lives are down all around us. And it is random. Some buildings had no damage where the building next door is completely leveled. It made me sick to see the division between the rich and the poor. It made my heart break to see how many camps there are. Everywhere you look, on the medians, in parks, wherever there is free space there are tents. Rubble is being collected but it is being put in the parks. So now kids who lost everything have no lost a place to escape and play without worry too.

We picked up two people in PaP. I figured it was random, but it was planned. They are two boys in dental school from Chateau. They go back once a month to do extractions and such.

Once out of PaP, I am surprised we made it out alive. There are cars passing and playing chicken. Honking and flashing your lights are the only way to get around there it seems. But I thought we were out of the worst. I was wrong. We came into Leogane and this was the true epicenter. That didn’t get across in the media. It was horrible there, the damage. It was so horrible. The people of Leogane are upset that aid barely made it to them. The people, even with aid coming in are still pretty much on their own.

I also noticed throughout the drive where damage was greatest had these banners hanging in the air. I kept thinking of Lake Wawasee, they always had banners during the summer talking about events. I found out these banners told survivors where the makeshift morgues were. Where to look for you loved ones. I can’t even imagine what it is like to be told on a banner where to take dead or search through the dead for someone.

Seeing the cities fade and the countryside come into view, destruction was less and less but poverty was even more prevalent. I can’t imagine living like thee people. Rusting tin or leaf roofs, tarps or rusted tin for walls, maybe five by five. Children without shoes or clothes, parents who just looked defeated but determined.

We made many stops on our way into Chateau. Our driver had to get gas – we stopped near a woods and Doorville disappeared and then came back with a few people and a few gallons of gas, the boys from PaP helped with a cut in half plastic Sprite bottle to be the funnel – I have never seen it done like that, talk to his girlfriend, pay some kid some money, eat, and we stopped at Domo’s cousin’s place. She is a sister and they run a school. We were able to use the restrooms and see a couple kids who hadn’t been picked up from school yet, a little boy and a little girl. The little boy was fast asleep and missing a shoe. They were so precious. And their uniforms were pristine.

The views were beautiful as we drove even further into the mountainsides. There were new roads being built (form what I heard someone in the government’s mistress had a brother who builds roads so that was why they were being built, I also heard Preval was having many roads built to help him get re-elected – who knows) but they men building the roads were digging trenches with pickaxes and shovels. The roads were only stone and very dusty but also very nice. We were so lucky that we had nice roads until the last thirty minutes.

Theresa looked back at us as we turned onto a shady looking road and said, now we make our ascent into the mountains. John, who made the sign of the cross so many times throughout the trip as we hit chickens, almost hit people walking, almost hit motorbikes and almost had a few head-on collisions, started praying. The drive wasn’t as bad as I expected but I think John was really nervous. We crossed one river but had to take a detour around an area where the next river we had to cross was too high. As we pulled past the main chapel I got excited.

We pulled closer to where we were staying and I heard this music and singing. I was thinking, man who is having a party and didn’t invite us. I figured we still had a while before we arrived. Then all of a sudden we pulled into the drive to the rectory (we didn’t know they had one – all the information we had was from 2004, many changes had taken place since). There were tons of people there with flags and instruments. The instruments were mad of PVC pipes and gas funnels, it seemed anything they could find they made into an instrument. We danced and smiled for a while. All the kids were to one side and the adults, most of them, stayed behind the flags. They were so careful not to get too close too fast. I was fighting back tears as we were welcomed so warmly. They were taking pictures with their phones and someone even had a camera. It was crazy to be fussed over so much.

Fr. LaVoud, whom is nothing like Doorville thankfully. Welcomed us into the rectory and showed us around. He showed us the small chapel inside, the adoration room, the bedrooms and the balconies. Well the balconies were nice but there was no railing. I was a little nervous of that. Once we had set down our backpacks and personal items we grabbed the suitcases and took them to the dining room to store until we needed to hand things out. Men came to help us. I felt like I needed to be doing this, I came to help them or at least to see what we can do. And then here they are helping us. Once all that was taken care of it was time to eat dinner. I was hungry as I had a power bar for lunch over six hours ago.

We stood behind our chairs and sang our meal prayer. “Manje sa, ou voye ban nou an papa, manje ki bay lavi. This food, you send for us our Father, it is the food of life. Amen. Bon appétit.” And we ate. We had meat and veggies in sauce and rice. There was also fruit, or I thought it was. It turns out that they take green bananas and boil them and use them as a starch with breadfruit and yams. I was shocked when I took the first bite of what I thought was a normal banana. Some of us had a beer (John, after a swig, finally said he was having fun and he was excited – we even have it on video) and we all drank a lot of water. I enjoyed the meal. I thought we had beef roast. You saw bulls out every now and then. But I was corrected. It was goat. It was really good though. I could eat it all the time. I bet I will be.

After dinner we went back out to the front where the people were still singing and dancing. We found out they had been waiting on us since noon, we didn’t arrive until a little after six. It was darker now and they took us up the road to dance in the street. It was fun to be with the people and see their joy and relief as we were finally there. There was a man, apparently they all had been hitting the bottle, called us girls beautiful and started dancing with me. He was a little handsy. Even with locked elbows he still tried to grab my butt and succeeded a couple times.

Fr. LaVoud found us and told us to get in the truck. We were going to see the retired bishop of Jeremie who was from Chateau. He helps out with masses here now. His house was huge and so nice. I had to wonder where they money came from to get that house built. His name was Willie and I can’t remember his last name. It’s Romulus, his last name. He introduced us to his family – all of them were in their 80s and 90s! He told us of his service, one of the youngest Haitian bishops when he came to that title. In the early nineties the government was killing the poor, hundreds of thousands were killed. He was the only bishop in Haiti to speak out against the injustice. And from 1991-1994 he ran under the radar because he was to be killed. Many times God was with him as he evaded the military after him. He was in a car and he hadn’t changed his plates yet so his was not stopped as they barricaded streets in search of him and some military personnel who believed in his statements warned him. I can’t imagine, for four years, to be in fear of my life and being on the run. During this entire time there was a bat flying around the room we were in.

We discovered that the info we had about this parish was not accurate. Six years later and so many things have changed. There is now only one dispensary/clinic and only one national school and a couple chapel schools. Many had shut down for lack of funding to pay teachers. It is sad to hear and a little disappointing as we could have brought other things instead of tons of teacher bags. But these are lessons we need to learn and keep in better contact with our sister parish. Riding in the back of the truck to and from the bishop’s home was fun. I hope I can do that in the daylight too.

The singing outside followed us to the bishop’s home and stayed for a while. They didn’t stop until maybe nine. They were so excited for us and so grateful for our presence. Once we got back we were all a little tired. But we realized at night when the generators were running there was a radio station. It serves as their bulletin, announcements, dates, they even pray the rosary at night. We finally called it a night. Once we got to our rooms we realized how much they had done for us. We all had mattresses and a pillow and sheets and towels. They had soap and toothbrushes and toothpaste for us. We looked into the bathroom and there was a toilet and shower for us! We are so lucky and they have worked so hard for our coming. The bathroom was even tiled partially. We are so blessed.

Before I feel asleep, which took awhile, I heard all these noises. I thought someone was having trouble breathing and it sounded like birds chirping all night. And there was a wood bar running across my hip. But it is better then the floor or out in the open. Finally I fell asleep.