OK, so I had my little nervous breakdown with this committee. And after two days of fretting about it I got SO EXCITED! I was ready to tackle the world and I got all my binders of stuff I have researched and kept and done for this ministry out and organized it all again. I was really excited for this committee. I was going to stand up and be the leader in the group and things were going to go great.
So we had a meeting Monday night that was open to all. There were no more then 10 of us, and our first meetings had 30ish people. Then some walked in that are on this temporary committee and they didn’t even know they were! NO ONE KNEW! I knew because I was a stalker e-mailer (not really), but I e-mailed twice about it and Fr. Dave told me. I assumed (and now we all know what happens when we do that) everyone else got a call.
So it was a quick meeting because WE DON’T HAVE PEOPLE IN CHARGE TO MAKE ANY DECISIONS TO DISCUSS! And there is a LACK OF COMMUNICATION!!!! If we don’t keep this ministry in the front of everyone’s eyes then people will not make it a priority.
So then the people on the committee were to stay after to make a meeting time. And there was one person who stayed that wasn’t on the list and there was another (the one I don’t agree with who is not on the list either!) stayed and made plans for the meeting. This is what happens when there isn’t a person in charge who is willing to be tough and make calls.
I feel like this is one step forward then two steps back. We aren’t getting anywhere. It is just extremely frustrating when you are called to something and know the potential something has and it can’t live up to it because of a lack of communication and leadership.
I do have a feeling that Fr. Dave would like me to step up and be the leader for this small temporary committee. He asks me a lot of questions and direct me to do things. I feel like he is (hopefully) trying to show other people that he trusts me to be the go-to girl.
I guess I can only hope and pray that this all works out. For the good of the people of Chateau, Haiti. Lord knows they need it. I know that we all can come together and get this ministry rolling, it is just a matter of working out the kinks that were left for us. I guess I need to e-mail Fr. Dave and verify who is on and go from there.
And I just want to say that 2nd grade does not prepare kids for 3rd. At least not homework wise. Last year C had a page of math a night and a spelling test each week. In third grade it is 2 pages of math, 2-3 pages of language arts and sometime social studies. But there are no instructions so sometime I am unsure (it took a while to totally remember subject and predicates). But seriously going from maybe 10 minutes a night to an hour and a half a night? It is a little much I think.
But beyond the stresses (which are wreaking havoc on my face – really bad breakouts at my age?), I am feeling at peace. I have been jamming out to Jeremy Camp lately. His new CD came out yesterday and was good. I kind of want to look at Natalie Grant’s CD that came out yesterday too. Music is such a soothing, almost medicinal, agent for me. I love it and it speaks to me.
I was asked last night at my Psi Iota Xi meeting about what surprised me most about Haiti. I was taken aback by that question. No one has ever sat down and asked a lot of questions. It was hard because everything was surprising but then again nothing was. I knew what to expect and built it up to be worse (other then PaP – nothing you can imagine is worse then that). But it was so nice to talk to someone, even if it was 5 minutes. I miss that place and I still feel like I need to do more talking about it or something. There is still something stirring in me. Maybe it is to write a book. I always wanted to write a book and someone told me to write a children’s book about Haiti. I don’t know. There I something still moving inside. I just need to spend some quiet time with Christ to figure out what it is.
On a fun note, I bought a bible study. It is a Great Adventure study by Jeff Cavins. It is the first one. A Quick Journey Through the bible. Since I have never really read the bible nor done a study this seemed to be the place to start. Here is the site: http://bit.ly/c4LWtt. I will have to let you know how it goes. I am excited to get started.
Gosh this was a random post, just like me I guess. :)
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
A Little Confused
So I e-mail Fr. Dave on Monday and just asked for the names of the committee. I was defeated and I just wanted to know who they were and how to contact at least one of them to voice any concerns, because we all know I was saving my ideas. Bad Sarah.
So he e-mailed me back. I read it and he was like we do have a committee (my eyes are filling with tears as I contemplate running to the bathroom to let the water works flow) and there will be an announcement in the bulletin this Sunday. (I keep reminding myself that I did all I could and it was out of my hands and I needed to trust God that He knew what He was doing and had a plan for me that would be much better.) He said he attached the blurb and then said that he was still waiting on our Haiti 7 meeting up at the lake.
I read and reread this message about five times and couldn’t for the life of me see where this blurb was. I was going out of my mind! Why was he making me wait to see who these people were??? I hit reply to let him know he forgot that and I quickly canceled that message. I thought to myself, Sarah, calm down, obviously it wasn’t meant to be and you aren’t supposed to know right now (sometimes 3rd person talk is necessary, I swear). Heartbroken I read the message one more time, I needed to let it settle and I have a thing against odd numbers. So the sixth time I realized the blurb was there and just a different font. Why do people do that to me?? My brain doesn’t process two different fonts, to me that means old message or not important. So there I saw it. I read it and it was a reminder for our meeting and telling we do have a committee and who they were. The first name I read was a person whom I think I am similar to. (My dad was say we are hyper drive people – and I am and then mix in a little type A and a lot of passion.) So I felt a little better and then there were some other random people and some people who I think are annoying and some I think will not be strong willed enough to over come my match in hyper driveness. Yes, hyper drive is a word – in my mind. So I was satisfied but not happy about this. Then I saw it. How could my mind skip over these two words? I really must have not been processing anything correctly yesterday. It was my name! Me! Miss Passionate Hyper Drive Type A Over Bearer herself!
My heart sang, I swear. It danced and sang and cried out in thanks to Him! I told my brother and my dad and they both were excited for me. And I realized that the one person who was directing us before was absent from that list. I am not sure why and I am sure she will still have her hands on it in one way or another, but this is my time to try and turn this around. To make it a selfish ministry and not a self-serving ministry.
Then something happened by the end of the day. I lost my excitement. It was gone, poof. I am not sure if it was because I was frustrated that I had no computer yesterday for 4 hours at work due to updates and such so I walked around and my feet hurt because I decided to wear heels instead of sandals or if something in my heart changed. I am excited and ready to tackle this. And I sent a thank you e-mail to Fr. Dave too, once I could get to my e-mails again.
But I didn’t tell my mom and C wouldn’t really care, he is too young to see what the big deal is. It just wasn’t in the front of my mind. It was C’s first day of 3rd grade so that was a distraction too. But seriously, I was bummed at my lack of excitement.
Am I burned out? Was this just something I wanted because it might not have been likely that I get it? Was I just over thinking things? My mind was spinning with why I felt the way I did. Way too much doubt and thinking going on in my head.
Then it hit me. Besides Father, I am the only one that went to Haiti that is on this committee. And, honestly, I think Haiti impacted me more then Father. (He didn’t even really want to go to begin with.) But here I am an (almost) sole voice for the people we will be serving. The (almost) only person who was there and saw and smelled and felt and touched and heard Haiti and the people that call it home. I was so sad. One person is the mayor so he probably just has too much on his plate, but he was great publicity. One person backed out due to conflicts within and some family things. One person moved away. The other two aren’t on this (but one I was sort of happy about the absence, ok, fine I was REALLY ECSTATIC about it – but I do feel a little bad). Where are the voices for these people? You can’t understand until you are there.
I remember having a conversation with the one I didn’t get along with that went something along the lines of:
Me: We need a committee.
Her: We will when we get back, it will be those of us who are going.
Me: Oh ok.
There was more, but you get the gist.
I hope that Father and I can do justice to the people I have come to love so much.
I am so excited though honestly. I am going to go home tonight and find all the binders I have for Haiti and I probably need a few more to get everything organized. I have so much research on ministries and things that I need to share.
Lord, help me organize not only my materials but also my thoughts. Let me be the voice the people of Chateau deserve. Let me help lead this ministry in a way that will bring a smile to Your Face and glory to Your Name. Help me to be strong and voice my opinions, thoughts and ideas. Let me be strong to share my passion through my calling on that September night. Help me understand we all are passionate and have good ideas. Help me listen as well as speak. Help me to continue this passion, this calling in Your Name. Help us all put You first and the people of Chateau before ourselves and our wants, needs and desires.
So he e-mailed me back. I read it and he was like we do have a committee (my eyes are filling with tears as I contemplate running to the bathroom to let the water works flow) and there will be an announcement in the bulletin this Sunday. (I keep reminding myself that I did all I could and it was out of my hands and I needed to trust God that He knew what He was doing and had a plan for me that would be much better.) He said he attached the blurb and then said that he was still waiting on our Haiti 7 meeting up at the lake.
I read and reread this message about five times and couldn’t for the life of me see where this blurb was. I was going out of my mind! Why was he making me wait to see who these people were??? I hit reply to let him know he forgot that and I quickly canceled that message. I thought to myself, Sarah, calm down, obviously it wasn’t meant to be and you aren’t supposed to know right now (sometimes 3rd person talk is necessary, I swear). Heartbroken I read the message one more time, I needed to let it settle and I have a thing against odd numbers. So the sixth time I realized the blurb was there and just a different font. Why do people do that to me?? My brain doesn’t process two different fonts, to me that means old message or not important. So there I saw it. I read it and it was a reminder for our meeting and telling we do have a committee and who they were. The first name I read was a person whom I think I am similar to. (My dad was say we are hyper drive people – and I am and then mix in a little type A and a lot of passion.) So I felt a little better and then there were some other random people and some people who I think are annoying and some I think will not be strong willed enough to over come my match in hyper driveness. Yes, hyper drive is a word – in my mind. So I was satisfied but not happy about this. Then I saw it. How could my mind skip over these two words? I really must have not been processing anything correctly yesterday. It was my name! Me! Miss Passionate Hyper Drive Type A Over Bearer herself!
My heart sang, I swear. It danced and sang and cried out in thanks to Him! I told my brother and my dad and they both were excited for me. And I realized that the one person who was directing us before was absent from that list. I am not sure why and I am sure she will still have her hands on it in one way or another, but this is my time to try and turn this around. To make it a selfish ministry and not a self-serving ministry.
Then something happened by the end of the day. I lost my excitement. It was gone, poof. I am not sure if it was because I was frustrated that I had no computer yesterday for 4 hours at work due to updates and such so I walked around and my feet hurt because I decided to wear heels instead of sandals or if something in my heart changed. I am excited and ready to tackle this. And I sent a thank you e-mail to Fr. Dave too, once I could get to my e-mails again.
But I didn’t tell my mom and C wouldn’t really care, he is too young to see what the big deal is. It just wasn’t in the front of my mind. It was C’s first day of 3rd grade so that was a distraction too. But seriously, I was bummed at my lack of excitement.
Am I burned out? Was this just something I wanted because it might not have been likely that I get it? Was I just over thinking things? My mind was spinning with why I felt the way I did. Way too much doubt and thinking going on in my head.
Then it hit me. Besides Father, I am the only one that went to Haiti that is on this committee. And, honestly, I think Haiti impacted me more then Father. (He didn’t even really want to go to begin with.) But here I am an (almost) sole voice for the people we will be serving. The (almost) only person who was there and saw and smelled and felt and touched and heard Haiti and the people that call it home. I was so sad. One person is the mayor so he probably just has too much on his plate, but he was great publicity. One person backed out due to conflicts within and some family things. One person moved away. The other two aren’t on this (but one I was sort of happy about the absence, ok, fine I was REALLY ECSTATIC about it – but I do feel a little bad). Where are the voices for these people? You can’t understand until you are there.
I remember having a conversation with the one I didn’t get along with that went something along the lines of:
Me: We need a committee.
Her: We will when we get back, it will be those of us who are going.
Me: Oh ok.
There was more, but you get the gist.
I hope that Father and I can do justice to the people I have come to love so much.
I am so excited though honestly. I am going to go home tonight and find all the binders I have for Haiti and I probably need a few more to get everything organized. I have so much research on ministries and things that I need to share.
Lord, help me organize not only my materials but also my thoughts. Let me be the voice the people of Chateau deserve. Let me help lead this ministry in a way that will bring a smile to Your Face and glory to Your Name. Help me to be strong and voice my opinions, thoughts and ideas. Let me be strong to share my passion through my calling on that September night. Help me understand we all are passionate and have good ideas. Help me listen as well as speak. Help me to continue this passion, this calling in Your Name. Help us all put You first and the people of Chateau before ourselves and our wants, needs and desires.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Patience Part II
As I continue in my lesson of patience I am seeing how disciplined you have to be.
If you let me rant for a moment: PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!!
Ok, I feel better. I guess I just see this (Haiti committee formation) as being fundamental to the success and support to our cause. An e-mail stating who (or a quick update) would be great. Please and thank you. J
Also, to build credibility this ministry needs to keep its promises. It breaks my heart when we say we are going to do something and we don’t. Like getting a committee and a mission statement and a plan. And the column in the bulletin! I wrote the last one and offered that anytime they needed. And this coming Sunday’s bulletin is missing the column. There is a picture, a reminder of the next meeting and a thank you to all who supported us in April (a little late?) but they were scattered all over the place. Where is the column? Maybe people complained about the one I wrote and want to take a break, but by taking a break we are doing nothing but setting ourselves back.
But I am really trying to not e-mail Father. But now that we don’t have a bulletin column? I am a little torn.
This is such a hard place for me to be in. I know what this ministry can be, I can FEEL it. It is so close I can practically smell it. Every time I even think about Haiti my heart feels so alive. That or I need to go to the doctor. Ha! I feel so much love and passion from God for the people in Haiti and it literally hurts to not have my hands on this and help move it along.
I am also a nosey person and not knowing what is or is not going on is really hard for me. I just know that people will begin to support and join our mission and cause once we get a committee, values and goals in place.
Now that that is out of the way. I feel so uncomfortably comfortable. Like I have an itch so bad. Not one that requires ointment or anything. An itch that I am not quite in the right place. As my journey back to God gets deeper and deeper the more I realize I need something to change. I need a change of pace. I need a new start. But I feel like I can’t really work on that until I know about Haiti.
I feel like Haiti will play a huge part in my life and my calling from God. I just want to make sure I save room for a big part in the committee if I get chosen.
I read the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan and I am rereading it now, or trying to at least. I have about 12 books that I have started. I need to narrow it down and concentrate on them one at a time. But I listened to his Lukewarm and Loving It sermon (you can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X82kjL1hDYU) and it just really made me sad to see how lukewarm I am. And the book focuses on that too. It really makes you think and rethink a lot of stuff you have going on in life. And where you are headed in life and after. It makes me sad to see what American Christians have become.
I noticed it too in Haiti. These people rely on Christ fro everything, and I mean EVERYTHING! In Port au Prince I was at the Matthew 25 House and they have a camp on their soccer field and it has about 1,300 people on it. Every morning (at 5am – but well after the roosters start crowing) they sang praises to God and held a mass. How amazing are these people. They lost everything and are living in a tent and they still have faith and love for God. We get down (like me above) when things don’t go our way or something bad happens. We question and wonder and start to think He isn’t there for us. It is sad to see how much material things we have and how little faith.
I think that is where my uncomfortableness is coming from. I lack in everything they have in abundance and I shouldn’t. I have more then I deserve and I am still unhappy. I am still discouraged. I still question God. I want my plans to come to fruition, not His. I don’t know how to lean on Him completely and trust Him for everything. I have a car and a home and food and clothes and…things and I think I need more. I guess I do, I need more faith and hope. It is like the song By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North.
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
I got a ways to go in my journey, but I hope as I walk, I walk in His direction with faith, hope, patience, openness and love.
I hope that I don’t get comfortable in life and stay there.
Don’t Get Comfortable by Brandon Heath
Comfortable, don’t get comfortable.
I am gonna’ move this mountain then I’m gonna move you in.
Yesterday, this is not yesterday.
You were standing on my shoulders now; you’re standing on the edge.
You’ve been looking for a sign all this time.
I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love like you’ve never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song
So afraid but you don’t have to be afraid
Even if you make mistakes
You know that I’ll remain
You’ve been looking for a sign all this time.
If you seek you’ll find me every time
If you let me rant for a moment: PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!!
Ok, I feel better. I guess I just see this (Haiti committee formation) as being fundamental to the success and support to our cause. An e-mail stating who (or a quick update) would be great. Please and thank you. J
Also, to build credibility this ministry needs to keep its promises. It breaks my heart when we say we are going to do something and we don’t. Like getting a committee and a mission statement and a plan. And the column in the bulletin! I wrote the last one and offered that anytime they needed. And this coming Sunday’s bulletin is missing the column. There is a picture, a reminder of the next meeting and a thank you to all who supported us in April (a little late?) but they were scattered all over the place. Where is the column? Maybe people complained about the one I wrote and want to take a break, but by taking a break we are doing nothing but setting ourselves back.
But I am really trying to not e-mail Father. But now that we don’t have a bulletin column? I am a little torn.
This is such a hard place for me to be in. I know what this ministry can be, I can FEEL it. It is so close I can practically smell it. Every time I even think about Haiti my heart feels so alive. That or I need to go to the doctor. Ha! I feel so much love and passion from God for the people in Haiti and it literally hurts to not have my hands on this and help move it along.
I am also a nosey person and not knowing what is or is not going on is really hard for me. I just know that people will begin to support and join our mission and cause once we get a committee, values and goals in place.
Now that that is out of the way. I feel so uncomfortably comfortable. Like I have an itch so bad. Not one that requires ointment or anything. An itch that I am not quite in the right place. As my journey back to God gets deeper and deeper the more I realize I need something to change. I need a change of pace. I need a new start. But I feel like I can’t really work on that until I know about Haiti.
I feel like Haiti will play a huge part in my life and my calling from God. I just want to make sure I save room for a big part in the committee if I get chosen.
I read the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan and I am rereading it now, or trying to at least. I have about 12 books that I have started. I need to narrow it down and concentrate on them one at a time. But I listened to his Lukewarm and Loving It sermon (you can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X82kjL1hDYU) and it just really made me sad to see how lukewarm I am. And the book focuses on that too. It really makes you think and rethink a lot of stuff you have going on in life. And where you are headed in life and after. It makes me sad to see what American Christians have become.
I noticed it too in Haiti. These people rely on Christ fro everything, and I mean EVERYTHING! In Port au Prince I was at the Matthew 25 House and they have a camp on their soccer field and it has about 1,300 people on it. Every morning (at 5am – but well after the roosters start crowing) they sang praises to God and held a mass. How amazing are these people. They lost everything and are living in a tent and they still have faith and love for God. We get down (like me above) when things don’t go our way or something bad happens. We question and wonder and start to think He isn’t there for us. It is sad to see how much material things we have and how little faith.
I think that is where my uncomfortableness is coming from. I lack in everything they have in abundance and I shouldn’t. I have more then I deserve and I am still unhappy. I am still discouraged. I still question God. I want my plans to come to fruition, not His. I don’t know how to lean on Him completely and trust Him for everything. I have a car and a home and food and clothes and…things and I think I need more. I guess I do, I need more faith and hope. It is like the song By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North.
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
I got a ways to go in my journey, but I hope as I walk, I walk in His direction with faith, hope, patience, openness and love.
I hope that I don’t get comfortable in life and stay there.
Don’t Get Comfortable by Brandon Heath
Comfortable, don’t get comfortable.
I am gonna’ move this mountain then I’m gonna move you in.
Yesterday, this is not yesterday.
You were standing on my shoulders now; you’re standing on the edge.
You’ve been looking for a sign all this time.
I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love like you’ve never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song
So afraid but you don’t have to be afraid
Even if you make mistakes
You know that I’ll remain
You’ve been looking for a sign all this time.
If you seek you’ll find me every time
Monday, August 9, 2010
John Waller Speaks to Me
OK, maybe not exactly, but I got into my car after lunch today to go back to work and his song While I’m Waiting came on. I absolutely relate to and really REALLY like this song. And it fits with the way I am feeling today.
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
This song is all about patience. This is something I do not have. I need to learn it. I expect things at lightning speed. I like to blame it on the fact that I am the youngest child and rottenly spoiled. But really, I can learn patience if I really want to. I don’t want to, but I need to. I expect people to fulfill their obligations and to be on time and to do what I asked. I expect meetings at work to start on time and to accomplish something, I expect my son to eat at meals and put his shoes on when asked and clean up when asked and to not lie about things, I expect my friends to be there for me and to be honest and to laugh with me, I expect cars on the road to go at least five over the speed limit and to get out of my way and to not drive like a crazy person and to use turn signals and not slam on their brakes when I am riding their tails and I expect things I am passionate about to run on my schedule at my pace. Not good qualities. But I am also quick to trust and laugh and smile. Those don’t seem too bad but the bad outweigh the good and it is something I need to work on pronto.
For instance, the committee formation for the Haiti Ministry. I haven’t heard from Fr. Dave yet. I am hoping that means he hasn’t made a decision yet. If he did then putting my Haiti column in the bulletin was a consolation prize. I just worry as our next meeting is two weeks away and the committee is supposed to have a mission statement ready for the whole group to hear and vote on. And I was hoping we could have a vision and goals and plans (six months, one year, five years) and other documents the ministry will need. There is a chance that Fr. Dave hasn’t picked names yet, he is one to put thing off and we are down to him as our only priest and things come up. I understand that. But we need to get moving on this. And I feel like the person who started this whole thing (the one who is doing it to get herself into heaven) might have a swaying opinion and from our last encounter she is not too hot on me. She was rather rude and abrupt and off-putting. So I just don’t want to speak to her unless I have to, I don’t need someone looking down on me for having good seats at a Christian music festival and says things in front of others to me about those seats. And I really don’t want to pester Fr. Dave again. I think I will give it a few more days. If it isn’t me I want to know who so I can talk to them about my concerns as the ministry moves forward.
But I feel like this is God telling me I need to be patient. I need to wait and still serve Him even when things aren’t moving at my pace. It is a tough pill to swallow. To be patient when you really want something, and for me it is more then wanting. I feel so called to Haiti. So much so that I am willing to go down myself or find another organization to partner with. But I want to give my church and our ministry a chance. I want to learn patience from Him and to serve Him regardless. I want to sway the selfish outlook the ministry has right now and make it a selfless ministry. I don’t think I can stand for a ministry that is selfish, that isn’t Christ’s way. It isn’t what is taught in the bible and it most definitely is not they way in which Christ showed us.
Lord, help me with waiting. As much as I dislike waiting, help me see it is all on Your time. Let me bring Your name glory as I wait…patiently. Help me see the plan You have for me is far better then the one I plan for myself. Help Fr. Dave as he makes this important decision and guide the people that will lead this ministry to do so in a way that will make You proud. Help me to have the courage to stand up and voice my concerns. But most of all help me to be patient as Your works are being done. Help me to keep my eyes on You always and in everything I do, let it bring glory to You.
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
This song is all about patience. This is something I do not have. I need to learn it. I expect things at lightning speed. I like to blame it on the fact that I am the youngest child and rottenly spoiled. But really, I can learn patience if I really want to. I don’t want to, but I need to. I expect people to fulfill their obligations and to be on time and to do what I asked. I expect meetings at work to start on time and to accomplish something, I expect my son to eat at meals and put his shoes on when asked and clean up when asked and to not lie about things, I expect my friends to be there for me and to be honest and to laugh with me, I expect cars on the road to go at least five over the speed limit and to get out of my way and to not drive like a crazy person and to use turn signals and not slam on their brakes when I am riding their tails and I expect things I am passionate about to run on my schedule at my pace. Not good qualities. But I am also quick to trust and laugh and smile. Those don’t seem too bad but the bad outweigh the good and it is something I need to work on pronto.
For instance, the committee formation for the Haiti Ministry. I haven’t heard from Fr. Dave yet. I am hoping that means he hasn’t made a decision yet. If he did then putting my Haiti column in the bulletin was a consolation prize. I just worry as our next meeting is two weeks away and the committee is supposed to have a mission statement ready for the whole group to hear and vote on. And I was hoping we could have a vision and goals and plans (six months, one year, five years) and other documents the ministry will need. There is a chance that Fr. Dave hasn’t picked names yet, he is one to put thing off and we are down to him as our only priest and things come up. I understand that. But we need to get moving on this. And I feel like the person who started this whole thing (the one who is doing it to get herself into heaven) might have a swaying opinion and from our last encounter she is not too hot on me. She was rather rude and abrupt and off-putting. So I just don’t want to speak to her unless I have to, I don’t need someone looking down on me for having good seats at a Christian music festival and says things in front of others to me about those seats. And I really don’t want to pester Fr. Dave again. I think I will give it a few more days. If it isn’t me I want to know who so I can talk to them about my concerns as the ministry moves forward.
But I feel like this is God telling me I need to be patient. I need to wait and still serve Him even when things aren’t moving at my pace. It is a tough pill to swallow. To be patient when you really want something, and for me it is more then wanting. I feel so called to Haiti. So much so that I am willing to go down myself or find another organization to partner with. But I want to give my church and our ministry a chance. I want to learn patience from Him and to serve Him regardless. I want to sway the selfish outlook the ministry has right now and make it a selfless ministry. I don’t think I can stand for a ministry that is selfish, that isn’t Christ’s way. It isn’t what is taught in the bible and it most definitely is not they way in which Christ showed us.
Lord, help me with waiting. As much as I dislike waiting, help me see it is all on Your time. Let me bring Your name glory as I wait…patiently. Help me see the plan You have for me is far better then the one I plan for myself. Help Fr. Dave as he makes this important decision and guide the people that will lead this ministry to do so in a way that will make You proud. Help me to have the courage to stand up and voice my concerns. But most of all help me to be patient as Your works are being done. Help me to keep my eyes on You always and in everything I do, let it bring glory to You.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Sarah's Choice - Movie or Real Life?
So last night I thought I would watch Sarah’s Choice. It is a Christian movie about a woman who becomes pregnant and is being told to make a specific decision by people on both sides of the life debate. She is told she will receive three visions from God by a random woman and it will help her make a decision.
I was very pulled to this movie because of two reasons. One, my name is Sarah and two, I was in that same position at 16. Although I had my mind made up, my parents did not have the same idea as me. It was one of the hardest times of my life.
A little background on that time of my life. I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant. I thought I was in love, but what does a teenager know about that? I told my parents when I found out. I remember my mom going to puke and telling me he wished no one was around so she could punch me in the stomach so I would miscarry. I remember getting a list of things from my dad that I lost by getting pregnant (freedom, respect, innocence, being daddy’s little girl, like 12 different things) and which ones I would get back if I got an abortion. I am so glad that I don’t have that list today, if I did I think I would hate him. I got a letter from them as well. I remember one of my brothers hating me, telling me I ruined our good name, ruined his reputation too. I remember being asked countless times to rate my percentage of having the baby and aborting it. In my mind it was 100 to 0, but I would tell them 80 to 20 usually. I was emotional and didn’t have anyone to talk to as I was told I was not allowed to speak of it and I couldn’t bear to tell my friends that my parents were considering it. They finally made their mind up and told me the next day I would be calling to make an appointment at a clinic. I was devastated. I remember sitting on the step in the garage crying when I got home from school, my dad opened the door and pulled me into the house and dialed the phone and handed it to me as he got on another phone to make sure I really did it. I cried through that call and made the appointment. I was sick of everything that was going on. I couldn’t stand up for myself. My parents couldn’t even look at me and if they did it was with disgust. They barely talked to me and I withdrew from so many friends. Luckily word got out to someone who confronted me and she went and talk to a teacher who was friends with my mom and went through a similar situation. And my baby was saved. God surrounded me with people that were strong enough for me and the baby when I wasn’t. I don’t know if I ever thanked them, I am sure if I did it wasn’t enough. But I am so thankful. Thank you God for hearing my silent prayer, for sending people to rescue me from what I couldn’t rescue myself from.
They say God puts you through trials to rescue you from something else that could have been. I can’t imagine where I would be if I didn’t have my son. But I do know it wouldn’t be anywhere good. Thank you Lord for saving me from what I might have become.
You live and you learn and you move on and grow. You forgive, not forget totally, but you do forgive. I can look back at that time, well on my parents and realize they weren’t them for a while, just like I lost myself for a bit too. They still loved me and I them. And things are perfect between us too now. C came and taught us all a lesson.
But back to the movie. After it was over I cried my eyes out and sat on my bed and prayed. I gave thanks and praise for saving me and my son and for the people He sent to be strong when I wasn’t. I asked for guidance to be a better mom and more patient and caring and loving. (I think I forgot how to love from that ordeal aside from my son.) I want to be strong for someone someday like people were for me.
But I recommend that movie to anyone who was in a position like me, no matter what your decision ended up being. I think it showed a lot of how forgiving Christ is and how you can forgive yourself too. I still have a hard time forgiving myself for not being strong, for letting the situation get so out of hand even though I had him. It isn’t easy to navigate these feelings. And anything that can help, like this movie, can be a saving grace.
I also wanted to update you on the bulletin, my article will be in there! I looked at the PDF already for Sunday and it is there word for word, comma for comma. I am so excited! My name isn’t attached to it, but I think it is better that way. I don’t want the glory for it. I asked God to write it through me. It is His writing and His message. I am just the deliverer. So I am glad I have no credit in the bulletin for it.
I am still waiting to hear if I am on the temporary committee. I won’t get home until 7 tonight. C is going to sign up for football! But hopefully I have a message at home. (I wasn’t thinking when I put my home phone as the contact instead of my cell – oh well – God is teaching me patience J) I will let you all know tomorrow!
I think that is enough for today. Ha! I love how movies can evoke so much from me. Movies and music.
I was very pulled to this movie because of two reasons. One, my name is Sarah and two, I was in that same position at 16. Although I had my mind made up, my parents did not have the same idea as me. It was one of the hardest times of my life.
A little background on that time of my life. I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant. I thought I was in love, but what does a teenager know about that? I told my parents when I found out. I remember my mom going to puke and telling me he wished no one was around so she could punch me in the stomach so I would miscarry. I remember getting a list of things from my dad that I lost by getting pregnant (freedom, respect, innocence, being daddy’s little girl, like 12 different things) and which ones I would get back if I got an abortion. I am so glad that I don’t have that list today, if I did I think I would hate him. I got a letter from them as well. I remember one of my brothers hating me, telling me I ruined our good name, ruined his reputation too. I remember being asked countless times to rate my percentage of having the baby and aborting it. In my mind it was 100 to 0, but I would tell them 80 to 20 usually. I was emotional and didn’t have anyone to talk to as I was told I was not allowed to speak of it and I couldn’t bear to tell my friends that my parents were considering it. They finally made their mind up and told me the next day I would be calling to make an appointment at a clinic. I was devastated. I remember sitting on the step in the garage crying when I got home from school, my dad opened the door and pulled me into the house and dialed the phone and handed it to me as he got on another phone to make sure I really did it. I cried through that call and made the appointment. I was sick of everything that was going on. I couldn’t stand up for myself. My parents couldn’t even look at me and if they did it was with disgust. They barely talked to me and I withdrew from so many friends. Luckily word got out to someone who confronted me and she went and talk to a teacher who was friends with my mom and went through a similar situation. And my baby was saved. God surrounded me with people that were strong enough for me and the baby when I wasn’t. I don’t know if I ever thanked them, I am sure if I did it wasn’t enough. But I am so thankful. Thank you God for hearing my silent prayer, for sending people to rescue me from what I couldn’t rescue myself from.
They say God puts you through trials to rescue you from something else that could have been. I can’t imagine where I would be if I didn’t have my son. But I do know it wouldn’t be anywhere good. Thank you Lord for saving me from what I might have become.
You live and you learn and you move on and grow. You forgive, not forget totally, but you do forgive. I can look back at that time, well on my parents and realize they weren’t them for a while, just like I lost myself for a bit too. They still loved me and I them. And things are perfect between us too now. C came and taught us all a lesson.
But back to the movie. After it was over I cried my eyes out and sat on my bed and prayed. I gave thanks and praise for saving me and my son and for the people He sent to be strong when I wasn’t. I asked for guidance to be a better mom and more patient and caring and loving. (I think I forgot how to love from that ordeal aside from my son.) I want to be strong for someone someday like people were for me.
But I recommend that movie to anyone who was in a position like me, no matter what your decision ended up being. I think it showed a lot of how forgiving Christ is and how you can forgive yourself too. I still have a hard time forgiving myself for not being strong, for letting the situation get so out of hand even though I had him. It isn’t easy to navigate these feelings. And anything that can help, like this movie, can be a saving grace.
I also wanted to update you on the bulletin, my article will be in there! I looked at the PDF already for Sunday and it is there word for word, comma for comma. I am so excited! My name isn’t attached to it, but I think it is better that way. I don’t want the glory for it. I asked God to write it through me. It is His writing and His message. I am just the deliverer. So I am glad I have no credit in the bulletin for it.
I am still waiting to hear if I am on the temporary committee. I won’t get home until 7 tonight. C is going to sign up for football! But hopefully I have a message at home. (I wasn’t thinking when I put my home phone as the contact instead of my cell – oh well – God is teaching me patience J) I will let you all know tomorrow!
I think that is enough for today. Ha! I love how movies can evoke so much from me. Movies and music.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Back Home
I didn’t really have a lot of time to readjust. The day I got back my dad had tickets to Walking with the Dinosaurs and Carter had his First Communion that weekend and I found out my parents sold the Florida house. Not a lot of time to share stories. But not everyone feels passion for Haiti like I do and I won’t pressure them into listening to me babble. Maybe they will read this. It is amazing that even two weeks later I am still getting stopped everywhere I go. People are interested and positive. Some people, and I expected this, asked how my vacation was or asked if it was a good trip. It was not a vacation and no it wasn’t good. It was an amazing experience and it opened my eyes to devastation we could never imagine. It broke my heart and changed my life. It let me see a people who love and are happy with nothing, happier and more faithful then most of us. It wasn’t good to see people endure such hardships. It wasn’t good to hold orphans sleeping under tents on top of ruble with flies swarming them. It wasn’t good to see people living in the median of main roads. It wasn’t good to see people afraid to sleep in their home. It wasn’t good to see any of this. We all made it back safe and sound. That was good. But the trip can’t be explained as good. An amazing experience? Most definitely. People, I think, need to go through to truly appreciate what they have. But most will not. Most will do nothing. Hopefully they can participate in doing good works in some way, somewhere. To serve the people as Jesus Christ did in a selfless way. I can only hope, for all of us and for Haiti.
People are always surprised at my answer when they ask me if I will go back. My answer is in a heartbeat. I am not sure if they expected me to hate it or if they were surprised a spoiled girl would go again. But I like surprising people. This whole experience surprised me. It was so far out of my bubble, so far outside my comfort zone, so nothing I imagined I would do – but it is in the top five experiences in my life. I think having Carter is the only thing that can top it right now.
Now I am just tasked with figuring out where to go from here and where to put my efforts.
Now almost three and a hold months later I still get stopped, not near as much but still a little, to talk about my experience. My college alumni magazine is going to print some small paragraph about my travels. And people are coming around to the idea of mission work in Haiti in my church. I am still facing the leadership issues, the selfish motives and movement. I am still being ignored when I email some but I am just going straight to our priest now. That seems to be working a lot better.
He is deciding on a temporary committee tomorrow and I wholeheartedly want and feel called to be on it. I am a little nervous about finding out. But Fr. Dave asked me to write something for the bulletin for Sunday. He gave me about seven hours to come up with something. I think it was a test from him, and maybe even God. To see just how dedicated and proactive I can be. I did well. Fr. Dave loved it and it will be in the bulletin Sunday.
I really feel it was a piece that God wanted me to write. I sat down before I started typing and asked God to guide my fingers on the keyboard to put something together for His glory and not mine. To be His message and not mine. To move people for Him and not for me. It really is His words that came out of me I believe that. He was with me every step of the way. I can't wait to see it put in the bulletin and to hopefully see some people changed and wanting to get involved.
So everyone please say a quick prayer that the right people are chosen for the temporary committee. This new ministry needs strong and passionate people to lead, especially in the beginning. So, whether it is me or not, I pray that it is the right people to get this off the ground and moving.
People are always surprised at my answer when they ask me if I will go back. My answer is in a heartbeat. I am not sure if they expected me to hate it or if they were surprised a spoiled girl would go again. But I like surprising people. This whole experience surprised me. It was so far out of my bubble, so far outside my comfort zone, so nothing I imagined I would do – but it is in the top five experiences in my life. I think having Carter is the only thing that can top it right now.
Now I am just tasked with figuring out where to go from here and where to put my efforts.
Now almost three and a hold months later I still get stopped, not near as much but still a little, to talk about my experience. My college alumni magazine is going to print some small paragraph about my travels. And people are coming around to the idea of mission work in Haiti in my church. I am still facing the leadership issues, the selfish motives and movement. I am still being ignored when I email some but I am just going straight to our priest now. That seems to be working a lot better.
He is deciding on a temporary committee tomorrow and I wholeheartedly want and feel called to be on it. I am a little nervous about finding out. But Fr. Dave asked me to write something for the bulletin for Sunday. He gave me about seven hours to come up with something. I think it was a test from him, and maybe even God. To see just how dedicated and proactive I can be. I did well. Fr. Dave loved it and it will be in the bulletin Sunday.
I really feel it was a piece that God wanted me to write. I sat down before I started typing and asked God to guide my fingers on the keyboard to put something together for His glory and not mine. To be His message and not mine. To move people for Him and not for me. It really is His words that came out of me I believe that. He was with me every step of the way. I can't wait to see it put in the bulletin and to hopefully see some people changed and wanting to get involved.
So everyone please say a quick prayer that the right people are chosen for the temporary committee. This new ministry needs strong and passionate people to lead, especially in the beginning. So, whether it is me or not, I pray that it is the right people to get this off the ground and moving.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Days Seven and Eight
April 27-28, 2010
Last night the dogs were fighting right next to our tent, only for about five seconds though. Amber said, it sounds like a bear growling, its like we really are camping! Ha! No one had a seizure last night! And we were woken up by beautiful singing at five. I am able to sleep through the roosters and goats, I might need these noised to sleep back home. We all got up and showered and repacked the suitcases we were bringing back home. Now all we had to do was wait for Domo to pick us up for the airport.
It is so sad to say goodbye. I didn’t think leaving would affect me like this. Even saying goodbye to Domo was hard. He turned into a good friend. We walked through security, shoes on, liquids in bags. I was really nervous. But it was just part one. Amber took all of our passports and got our tickets. I was surprised we didn’t have to verify that we were who we were. We went through immigration and handed our green cards we filled out on the way in back in. We went back through another security. I was impressed with it. It was tight. While we waiting in the terminal Fr. Dave, Amber and I went through morning prayers. Then it was time.
I snapped a picture as we lifted off. One last look at the country I left so much of me in. I was crying, trying to wipe tears without anyone noticing. I was sitting with Janet and Sue. I really did leave half my heart in Haiti. I can call it my second home. We landed in Florida and it was nice to be home. We went through immigration again. I had another nice guy. He asked if I had liquor and I said yes, how much, two bottles. He asked if I had any cigarettes and I said no, he was like I figured, you don’t seem like a smoker. Then he asked how long I was gone and I said just a week and he said that wasn’t enough and I told him not at all. And I was through. We took our luggage to where we needed to and we boarded a bus to take us to our terminal.
There was an ice cream place and john got his cookies and cream that he had been talking about all week. Brian, Sue and I went to get lunch at Chili’s. It was good conversation. We talked about Haiti. It infiltrates every moment of my life now. I could barely eat though. I felt so horrible for having such a big meal. We went to a bookstore and I grabbed a book because we have so much time before our next flight. I read for a while. There were babies everywhere at our gate. They were crying. I started crying. It took me back to the orphanage. Most of us went for a walk out side. We walked to the other terminals to see if there was a place to eat dinner. There wasn’t but it feels good to walk and stretch. It was warm out but not like Haiti. I had a jacket on and was perfectly comfortable. It will be weird to go back to chilly weather.
We ate dinner at Chili’s and then sat back down at our gate. Then before I knew it we were on our next flight. It was good to be closer to home. We grabbed our bags and Dave picked us up. We went to his house to grab the other car and a few things we left there. And then we were on our way. We talked through our week so we could remember it all. I do have to say I am glad we didn’t have to pray the rosary again. I was too tired. Janet drove for a couple hours and then Sue drove for an hour. Fr. Dave was fast asleep. Amber drove the last hour. I sat shot gun and we had fun just chatting.
I was dropped off first. It was maybe four?
I said hello to my parents and kissed Carter and then I went to bed. I couldn’t sleep. I was in a building that had glass in the windows and I was in a bed, not in a tent on rocks. I was going to have food in the morning and people who love me. I cried for a while. I had never felt so guilty. Morning came so fast. I said goodbye to Carter and told him I would pick him up from schools so we could spend time together. I was in to work a little after eight and I left at 2:45. And so my life begins again.
Last night the dogs were fighting right next to our tent, only for about five seconds though. Amber said, it sounds like a bear growling, its like we really are camping! Ha! No one had a seizure last night! And we were woken up by beautiful singing at five. I am able to sleep through the roosters and goats, I might need these noised to sleep back home. We all got up and showered and repacked the suitcases we were bringing back home. Now all we had to do was wait for Domo to pick us up for the airport.
It is so sad to say goodbye. I didn’t think leaving would affect me like this. Even saying goodbye to Domo was hard. He turned into a good friend. We walked through security, shoes on, liquids in bags. I was really nervous. But it was just part one. Amber took all of our passports and got our tickets. I was surprised we didn’t have to verify that we were who we were. We went through immigration and handed our green cards we filled out on the way in back in. We went back through another security. I was impressed with it. It was tight. While we waiting in the terminal Fr. Dave, Amber and I went through morning prayers. Then it was time.
I snapped a picture as we lifted off. One last look at the country I left so much of me in. I was crying, trying to wipe tears without anyone noticing. I was sitting with Janet and Sue. I really did leave half my heart in Haiti. I can call it my second home. We landed in Florida and it was nice to be home. We went through immigration again. I had another nice guy. He asked if I had liquor and I said yes, how much, two bottles. He asked if I had any cigarettes and I said no, he was like I figured, you don’t seem like a smoker. Then he asked how long I was gone and I said just a week and he said that wasn’t enough and I told him not at all. And I was through. We took our luggage to where we needed to and we boarded a bus to take us to our terminal.
There was an ice cream place and john got his cookies and cream that he had been talking about all week. Brian, Sue and I went to get lunch at Chili’s. It was good conversation. We talked about Haiti. It infiltrates every moment of my life now. I could barely eat though. I felt so horrible for having such a big meal. We went to a bookstore and I grabbed a book because we have so much time before our next flight. I read for a while. There were babies everywhere at our gate. They were crying. I started crying. It took me back to the orphanage. Most of us went for a walk out side. We walked to the other terminals to see if there was a place to eat dinner. There wasn’t but it feels good to walk and stretch. It was warm out but not like Haiti. I had a jacket on and was perfectly comfortable. It will be weird to go back to chilly weather.
We ate dinner at Chili’s and then sat back down at our gate. Then before I knew it we were on our next flight. It was good to be closer to home. We grabbed our bags and Dave picked us up. We went to his house to grab the other car and a few things we left there. And then we were on our way. We talked through our week so we could remember it all. I do have to say I am glad we didn’t have to pray the rosary again. I was too tired. Janet drove for a couple hours and then Sue drove for an hour. Fr. Dave was fast asleep. Amber drove the last hour. I sat shot gun and we had fun just chatting.
I was dropped off first. It was maybe four?
I said hello to my parents and kissed Carter and then I went to bed. I couldn’t sleep. I was in a building that had glass in the windows and I was in a bed, not in a tent on rocks. I was going to have food in the morning and people who love me. I cried for a while. I had never felt so guilty. Morning came so fast. I said goodbye to Carter and told him I would pick him up from schools so we could spend time together. I was in to work a little after eight and I left at 2:45. And so my life begins again.
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