A Little Confused

So I e-mail Fr. Dave on Monday and just asked for the names of the committee. I was defeated and I just wanted to know who they were and how to contact at least one of them to voice any concerns, because we all know I was saving my ideas. Bad Sarah.

So he e-mailed me back. I read it and he was like we do have a committee (my eyes are filling with tears as I contemplate running to the bathroom to let the water works flow) and there will be an announcement in the bulletin this Sunday. (I keep reminding myself that I did all I could and it was out of my hands and I needed to trust God that He knew what He was doing and had a plan for me that would be much better.) He said he attached the blurb and then said that he was still waiting on our Haiti 7 meeting up at the lake.

I read and reread this message about five times and couldn’t for the life of me see where this blurb was. I was going out of my mind! Why was he making me wait to see who these people were??? I hit reply to let him know he forgot that and I quickly canceled that message. I thought to myself, Sarah, calm down, obviously it wasn’t meant to be and you aren’t supposed to know right now (sometimes 3rd person talk is necessary, I swear). Heartbroken I read the message one more time, I needed to let it settle and I have a thing against odd numbers. So the sixth time I realized the blurb was there and just a different font. Why do people do that to me?? My brain doesn’t process two different fonts, to me that means old message or not important. So there I saw it. I read it and it was a reminder for our meeting and telling we do have a committee and who they were. The first name I read was a person whom I think I am similar to. (My dad was say we are hyper drive people – and I am and then mix in a little type A and a lot of passion.) So I felt a little better and then there were some other random people and some people who I think are annoying and some I think will not be strong willed enough to over come my match in hyper driveness. Yes, hyper drive is a word – in my mind. So I was satisfied but not happy about this. Then I saw it. How could my mind skip over these two words? I really must have not been processing anything correctly yesterday. It was my name! Me! Miss Passionate Hyper Drive Type A Over Bearer herself!

My heart sang, I swear. It danced and sang and cried out in thanks to Him! I told my brother and my dad and they both were excited for me. And I realized that the one person who was directing us before was absent from that list. I am not sure why and I am sure she will still have her hands on it in one way or another, but this is my time to try and turn this around. To make it a selfish ministry and not a self-serving ministry.

Then something happened by the end of the day. I lost my excitement. It was gone, poof. I am not sure if it was because I was frustrated that I had no computer yesterday for 4 hours at work due to updates and such so I walked around and my feet hurt because I decided to wear heels instead of sandals or if something in my heart changed. I am excited and ready to tackle this. And I sent a thank you e-mail to Fr. Dave too, once I could get to my e-mails again.

But I didn’t tell my mom and C wouldn’t really care, he is too young to see what the big deal is. It just wasn’t in the front of my mind. It was C’s first day of 3rd grade so that was a distraction too. But seriously, I was bummed at my lack of excitement.

Am I burned out? Was this just something I wanted because it might not have been likely that I get it? Was I just over thinking things? My mind was spinning with why I felt the way I did. Way too much doubt and thinking going on in my head.

Then it hit me. Besides Father, I am the only one that went to Haiti that is on this committee. And, honestly, I think Haiti impacted me more then Father. (He didn’t even really want to go to begin with.) But here I am an (almost) sole voice for the people we will be serving. The (almost) only person who was there and saw and smelled and felt and touched and heard Haiti and the people that call it home. I was so sad. One person is the mayor so he probably just has too much on his plate, but he was great publicity. One person backed out due to conflicts within and some family things. One person moved away. The other two aren’t on this (but one I was sort of happy about the absence, ok, fine I was REALLY ECSTATIC about it – but I do feel a little bad). Where are the voices for these people? You can’t understand until you are there.

I remember having a conversation with the one I didn’t get along with that went something along the lines of:
Me: We need a committee.
Her: We will when we get back, it will be those of us who are going.
Me: Oh ok.
There was more, but you get the gist.

I hope that Father and I can do justice to the people I have come to love so much.

I am so excited though honestly. I am going to go home tonight and find all the binders I have for Haiti and I probably need a few more to get everything organized. I have so much research on ministries and things that I need to share.

Lord, help me organize not only my materials but also my thoughts. Let me be the voice the people of Chateau deserve. Let me help lead this ministry in a way that will bring a smile to Your Face and glory to Your Name. Help me to be strong and voice my opinions, thoughts and ideas. Let me be strong to share my passion through my calling on that September night. Help me understand we all are passionate and have good ideas. Help me listen as well as speak. Help me to continue this passion, this calling in Your Name. Help us all put You first and the people of Chateau before ourselves and our wants, needs and desires.

Day Six

April 26, 2010

Well today is the day. We are going back to PaP. It was sad to say goodbye. Many came to wish us farewell and safe travels.

The ride back was crazy. We took tons of people with us. We had Lucas. I held him for a bit until Domo made his mom take him. We found out his dad was the ref at the soccer game and his mom was here the whole time. She and Lucas were going to Orlando the next day. But his dad lives in PaP. We took the two dental boys back to PaP and Fabian to a city to visit her uncle. We had a few others too. After we dropped a few off I got in the bed of the truck. It was full of luggage and a chicken and people. But I like it back there better then inside. Amber about killed the chicken by stepping on it a few times. It is hard to say stop when you see it. All I could say was ‘chicken chicken chicken chicken!’ I think she got the point. But the poor chicken was in a bag with only his head sticking out. We had blown the spare tire the other day. We stopped in Les Cayes to get it fixed, that didn’t work so we had to stop again in the next city. That time it worked. This fixing of the tire was nothing like I have ever seen before. Using a crow bar to pry the tire off the wheel, hard manual labor, no fancy machines. The did have a compressor that they used old string to start it. The took the part that gets filled with air and put the part that was punctured over a flame and put something over it to melt to back together. Then putting it all back together. I was so impressed that these things got done by hands, we are so spoiled in America. And to think this is what these people (there were so many places to stop for this) that do this work every day. We also saw a few of the big wheel barrel looking things, (it is more of a trailer of a semi size) made of wood without a top full of heavy things that men walk from place to place. They make so much money but that specific job takes years off of their lives.

We stopped a bunch again. The ride back was quicker by fifteen minutes. The river that was too high before was now ok to cross. We went through a bunch of markets, scary! We about hit a bunch of people and that continued throughout the trip. People, cars, motorbike. I swear Doorville is one crazy driver. I heard Domo was even mad about it. We stopped again at Domo’s cousin’s. They had cherry juice and a gingerbread cake. We got to see the students there in school. They all yelled ‘blan blan blan!’ when they saw us. It means white. They were riled up. I felt bad for disturbing the lessons. They have cute pink uniforms. We were back on our way. Riding in the open air on top of the luggage through the dusty roads. We saw pieces of road destroyed from the quake. We also saw a couple huge boulders down. He found out a car was under them until a few weeks ago. There was someone in it. Wrong place at the wrong time. Story of the Haitians life that day for too many. I got a lot of pictures of destruction.

Once we made our final drop off in PaP Amber and I went inside the truck – the sun was so intense we were starting to burn and the smell in PaP is just horrible. We saw the palace, it was starting to be torn down. We saw the cathedral, what a sad sight. I found out later that Domo shared a story of where he was when the earthquake happened. He was driving and there was a little girl, nine he thought, was walking on the sidewalk. They have walls between the homes and sidewalks. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The wall fell on her right next to Domo’s truck and all he could see of her was her head and an arm. How awful that must have been to witness.

We made it back to PaP safe and sound. It was a relief to be back at M25. But I still missed Chateau. We put all our stuff where it belonged and claimed tents. Then we decided to go to the Sisters of Charity orphanage. We weren’t even sure if it was still operating but we wanted to see and try.

What an awful sight. When we got there we had to bang on the door. Someone came and Domo asked if we could help. She said no one has since the earthquake has volunteered but she would ask if we could. After that we were let in. We got there at 3:30 and we were going to have to leave by five. We walked through to the babies and children.

I can’t imagine letting children live in these conditions. We were told that their main building was damaged during the earthquake. All the kids were gotten out, but the building had to be torn down. Many kids were sent back to parents, another orphanage or started adoptions were expedited. They were down to about 60 from 150. Two tents (the ones you sell food out of at a fair) came into view. You saw men working on the ruble of the old building. I figured it was shade for the men. I was wrong. As we got closer you could see cribs in the tents. These kids were living in tents with no walls in blistering heat.

As we walked into the tents all you could hear and see were crying babies. It was mealtime so we got to help feed a few. There were older children in cribs too if they were hooked up to an IV. The older children that could feed themselves and were not hooked up to anything were at a small plastic table. John, Brian and Fr. Dave went to play and talk to them. They found a football so John and Brian were tossing it with the kids. They were running around men working on top of ruble with bare feet. How unsanitary. Most of these kids are sick. How can this be safe? How can anyone let kids live like this? I know they are fed and cleaned here but beyond that they get nothing. No love, no attention, no safety measures. No one is looking out for them. It breaks my heart to see these kids. The older ones are all smiles to see us and play. There was a little boy there who wouldn’t ay his name. The little girl said his name was Blan (white) – he was very pale. How sad that he is ostracized because of his coloring.

I went back into the tents. I was handed a bowl and told to feed a little girl. She was the only one not sitting up. I didn’t understand until I looked closer. This girl was nine months old, her bracelet told me. She was as skinny as my son was when he was born nine weeks early. She couldn’t even sit. I picked her up and held her as I fed her. She wouldn’t look at me, she didn’t make a noise, she was blank. Clearly neglected and malnourished. She only ate a little bit. The bowl was finally taken away from me. The little boy next to her was screaming his head off the entire time. He had one leg over the rail. Every time I went over to talk to him he backed away. I figured he was terrified of me. After a while of holding the little girl and not getting a response out of her I put her down. I looked around. There was a little girl across the way without a diaper on. She had open wounds and I saw the diaper was off to let some of the wounds breathe. She had over twenty flies swarming her. We all were scared to pick her up, not knowing whether we should or not and there was a language barrier with all the women working. I feel so bad I never picked her up. She needed it most. There was a little girl hooked up to an IV. I asked her what her name was. I can’t remember, but her smile lit the entire room. She was so happy to be asked a question, to have someone to talk to. She didn’t ask me anything and I couldn’t ask her anything. But we shared a moment and I pray it made a difference.

That little boy was still screaming so I grabbed him. Before I lifted him, as soon as my skin touched his the screaming stopped. He just wanted to be held. To feel loved. His name was Edison, he was a year and a half. He clung to my shirt for dear life and I broke down. How do these kids thrive without this? Without being held? I am crying with all the other babies because I can’t give them what they need and they aren’t getting it anywhere. Before I finished my thought Edison was asleep. He felt safe and loved, I am sure he hasn’t felt that good in a long time. I cried at the thought even harder. It is really hard trying to hide that much emotion from everyone. Every time I tried to put Edison down he woke up and would scream and cry again. He wouldn’t let me put him down. It broke my heart. I want to take him home so bad. I finally put him down to hold others. They all need to be held. Edison followed me with his eyes, the stink eye, as he cried watching me hold others. I went back to Edison a couple times. I was so pulled to him. Sue handed me a little girl. She was a year old and maybe nine pounds. She was blank too. I hate to see kids like that.

I went to the other tent (I couldn’t handle Edison crying, it hurt me too much), these kids were more sick, most hooked up to IVs or too sick to do much of anything. How horrible to see. Tiny babies, skinny kids, you could see the sick through their eyes. They need so much help. I went back to the other tent because there weren’t a lot to hold. I went back to Edison and spent the rest of my time with him. When it came time to leave I was bawling. I didn’t want to leave Edison, or any of these kids. They need our touch and love. I had to put Edison down and the tears fell from his eyes again. I kissed the top of his head and told him I was sorry. I bawled as we left the tents. John put his arm around me and told me I needed to stop, that the whole van would be crying.

I pulled it together until we started driving again. Seeing the camps and people living in the medians. I can’t understand how anyone can accept this as their life. But they don’t know any different and they don’t have a chance to make it better. I cried again. I can’t even comprehend what they go through. I can’t even process what I am feeling right now.

We made it back to M25 and I cried again remembering everything. People kept trying to talk to me but I couldn’t speak. I was going to start crying again. I couldn’t get those faces out of my head. I took some time to decompress. I went to the roof to try and get a picture of the sunset but I missed it. The moon was up and beautiful. It was right about the camp and I snapped a picture of that. A little girl came up and grabbed my hand. She was one of the cook’s daughters. I wanted to cry all over again at this gesture and looking at the camp. We exchanged names. Her name was Lovely. She was so sweet and just wanted to be near us. I wish I could have had a real conversation with her.

I called home then to let my parents know we were back and to start the phone tree. It was good to hear their voices but I was still so emotional. I couldn’t talk long.

We had dinner, lasagna. It was a treat in the cook’s eyes. After that we all bought stuff to take home. I bought a lot, but next time none of it will be there. It only took almost five years but I had plans of putting them up on my empty walls. All my walls are empty, I have tons of empty picture frames. It only took Haiti to give my walls a plan.

After that there was this guy who cornered all of us. He just wanted to talk but he isn’t the best communicator and I think has a seniority complex. We went to bed early, sort of, to get away from him.

Day Five

April 25, 2010

I slept so well last night! I am so relieved and no extra bug bites this morning. I still don’t itch. We all got up and showered and dressed in our Sunday best.

We got in the truck and went to mass. It was in the main chapel. It is a beautiful chapel. I noticed streamers and decoration, it reminded me we missed the people the other day. But in many churches there were flowers and streamers decorating the room, that is a big deal for them, to go as far as to get streamers and ribbon. I feel honored we are respected so much. Mass was packed and, of course, it didn’t start on time. But Fr. Dave, Fr. LaVoud and the retired bishop (who jokes Fr. LaVoud is his boss now) gave mass. It rained for a bit during mass. The bishop gave the homily, mentioning the rain, calling it a sign from God that we are the water that will help Chateau flourish. Domo was great translating the sermon and telling us when to give out offerings. Men first, but Sue and Janet made it up there before Domo could stop them. Then women, the women outnumbered and out-offered the men. Sometimes it seems things are so separated but then there are so many powerful women in charge.

We found out the sermon for Easter alone was an hour and a half. This one was quick, for our sake I am sure. They still thought we were leaving after breakfast. So it was sped along. Fr. Dave gave communion. His line was double the line the bishop had. It was neat to see people rushing him.

It was neat to see all the kids in the choir dressed in uniforms that were pristine. And there were different uniforms for different ranks and boys and girls had different uniforms, some might be for helping with mass. There was a guitar player and drums and maybe something else too. The men and women sat behind all the kids. We never saw a family together. I rarely saw women. Men would work the fields and the kids would swarm the rectory. I have to wonder what their families are like.

I know they take the ‘it takes a village’ saying seriously. Kids run around and everyone knows them and will take care of them if needed. Everyone is there to help and lend a hand and love. It is neat to see so much caring for people. We don’t get that here in the states.

Once mass was over we went back and had breakfast. There was so much food. A pumpkin soup, bananas, bread, sour sap juice. That juice is so good. John and I decided we were going to market it in the states with vodka or rum in it and call it Haitian Sour Punch. It would sell so well I think.

We had a little down time to change and figure out what we were leaving and what we were taking home with us and then we ate lunch. I wasn’t even hungry but there was so much food again. We had another soup and bread, chicken legs, rice and a bean sauce. It all is so good. I want these recipes.

We had more down time. We played with the kids and Sue wanted me to record her singing the song Magnificant. It is a beautiful song but took so long. And poor Domo was there to help too. He didn’t enjoy it and neither did I. And he was called so many things, Romo by John and Dumo by Sue. The poor guy, he works so hard and then is pulled even farther then required.

At three we had a meeting with Father. He gave us proposals on what it will cost to finish a few buildings, the rectory and church and we talked about funding for schools and a new chapel for the one that had no walls. It is a lot. I hope we can help. Some of the projects are over 300,000 goudes, but in American dollars it is a little over 9,000. I know people would man up to that. Lord knows they need it. The rectory is Father’s main mission. It is the central place for the entire community. It is a gathering place and a social service center. It represents the heart of the community. But it might be hard for people who don’t see that understand why that comes first.

We left for the soccer game after that. It was supposed to start at four, which in Haitian time means 5:10. Our team won! Amber scored three goals, but none of them counted for one reason or another. We were bombarded by people wanting money to go to school. And smiling kids. This soccer game was as big as Monday night football, and just as serious. After the game we went back to the rectory. Tons of kids piled into the bed of the truck for a ride. Donut (John’s bud) was throwing people off and got yelled at by John. One kid fell off during the ride. Domo was not happy about that. And Brian and John said that the kids (and really non of the Haitians do) have personal space. They were grabbing body parts just to stay aboard the truck. The kids love to touch us, our arms, our faces, our red noses, my mosquito bites (everyone noticed those today, I was a little embarrassed but there was nothing I could do about it), and our hair. They love to touch our hair and play with it. It is so different from theirs and thy love to touch it.

We had dinner, some pasta casserole thing. We weren’t sure what kind of meat was in it but it was good. We had wine and Haitian rum and coke and beer. There was so much fellowship that night. We all came together and became so close through this trip. There was a baby girl that we were passing around. I held her and put her asleep. She was so precious. I was sad when her mom came to get her. She definitely needed a diaper change. That was evident by the wet spot on my shirt. It is funny how things like that don’t gross you out after being in Haiti for a while.

The two dental students came in to talk about what they would like for the clinic. They even had eBay items to show us what they want and how much. It is all so expensive but at least everyone we have talked to has had proposals and plans. That is encouraging. We made sure they knew we couldn’t do it all and maybe nothing.

We got to check e-mails again. I accidentally sent mine to my dad’s work e-mail so I forwarded it along with another small message to my dad at his home address. I miss them all so much. The people of Chateau have become my second family though.

We talked about what time we are leaving in the morning. What a bittersweet conversation. I am so sad to be leaving. The other day Domo offered to build me a house and I could live there in Haiti and I seriously could. But I am so excited to see Carter and my parents. And I am so nervous about adjusting back to American culture. It is so easy to adjust to Haiti, but I have a feeling getting back into the swing of things will be very emotional.

Day One

April 21, 2010

Oh Lord, the dreams I had last night. I might have had a lot on my mind. John kept talking about not going. I dreamt he left the Chicago airport and said he couldn’t do it. But I also dreamt we made it safely into Haiti. I hope the latter is the only true part. I’m not sure if it was the lack of sleep, the dreams, the nerves or the excitement but it was so easy to wake up. Heaven is a Place was the song that woke us up. Amber and I chatted about the meaning of it – I remember hearing that story but didn’t know that was the song. We all took quick showers to rinse off (we weren’t sure when we would shower again). I washed the remnants of my makeup form the day before off. (I never go anywhere without makeup – a whole week is going to be a long time, especially in airports.) I even repacked my personal item to a smaller bag that morning. It was a little after 6 when we left Dave’s for the airport. His friend came to help take us and our luggage (seven people, fourteen suitcases, seven big backpacks and seven personal items) there wasn’t much room even with a conversion van. Security was easy at the airport. We breezed through completely unexpectedly. All of our luggage weighed fifty pounds or less – only ours was thirty some pounds which was hard to see – wasted weight that could have housed supplies. And only a few had things looked through or taken away when they scanned out carry ons and personal items. We got settled at our gate and waited to go to Miami. John kept telling us that the other flights to Cancun and such were calling his name and he would meet us in Chicago in a week. Ha! He was so reluctant to go. Not sure if it was just for attention or if he really had reservations about the trip. I am really nervous. Not about Haiti, about the flights. I have turned into the most nervous flier. Maybe this trip will help me. I remember what Adam had told me about the nerves. I hope it works.

The first flight was easy. Smooth, long, but it went a little faster then expected. I need to remember to bring a credit card if I fly American again. They played The Blind Side and the earphones were two dollars and they only take cards. Same for food. Sue and I talked about a few books on the flight as we sat next to each other. We also talked about The Blind Side. We made it to Miami without a hitch. We didn’t have a long layover and Amber was worried that we had to go grab our luggage and get them to customs or something. She lost a bet about that to Fr. Dave. She owes him ice cream at Zesto because she was wrong. We all grabbed a bite to eat. Nine dollar sandwiches. Fr. Dave bought mine. I need to send a thank you for that. He said he needed to break a fifty and I need not worry about it. But I still feel bad.

When we boarded the plane for Port au Prince we had to talk to customs/border control people. Asking a few questions like why are you going how much money do you have how long are you staying. Then I got a weird one. He looked at my name and asked if I was famous because of my name. I said no and he asked if I ever googled myself and I said yes and I assured him I never popped up on those searches. The second flight I sat by Janet. It was a huge plane. Seven across, two-three-two. There seemed to be over forty rows and even a business class section - that part was pretty empty. There were many mission teams from all over the US. A lot had matching shirts. That is something to look into for next time.

As we backed away from the gate all the nerves left me and what bubbled to the top was joy and a lot of it. I knew I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. I wasn’t going on this trip to change my heart. I was going because I felt called by God and because I want to know how I can help. My heart changing is a side effect, an added bonus. I felt God reassuring me that I am doing the right thing. It all seemed surreal that it was really happening. I was two hours away from my calling. I am so excited and calm for this flight. Smiles kept creeping onto my face as I knew this was right.

It was a bit bumpy out of Miami but above 10,000 feet it was a little better. We got free snacks on this flight. Crackers with cheese spread, raisins and chocolate. And we got a few papers to fill out for customs. It was confusing and I copied from Sue all but my name, address and passport number. I think I got it right. Hopefully.

WE MADE IT!!! I cannot believe we made it and are here. My paperwork was right or at least ok because I made it through customs. I even kept a page I was supposed to turn in. I guess they didn’t look to carefully at anything. Oops. I asked Amber where I needed to put it or if I keep it until we leave and she was like – AH how did you get through without giving it??? I told her I just walked through saying I was with those people (them).

Flying in was amazing, I had Janet take pictures as she was in the window seat. I hope they turn out ok. It was beautiful everywhere I looked. The mountains were beautiful, boats were in the water spotting the ocean – just knowing I was there. The roads were visible and the main ones looked good, but that is from the air. You could see damage and rusted roofs of homes too and a lot of tarps and tents. I was unsure if there was construction or destruction looking from above. It is amazing how much devastation and destruction you see from the sky. I fought back tears as we landed. I didn’t think I could feel anymore right in where I was and what I was doing but I did. I also felt like I was home. In a strange way, I think I am. I think Haiti will always be my second home from now on.

Going through the airport was interesting. Off into a jet way, then down an escalator and onto a bus to travel a short, walkable distance. Then through immigration. Getting our bags was a mess. The room was so hot and crowded. I got a few carts since we had so much luggage and we waited and waited and waited. I was afraid our luggage was stolen or we would have to pay someone for it but it came on the last truckload. All 14 pieces were there! And going through the second part of immigration, claiming our belongings was where I forgot to turn in a paper, oops. But minus the waiting and gathering of luggage immigration took a smile and about 45 seconds. Way easier then I ever imagined it to be – way too simple. But I won’t complain.

As soon as I thought about how easy it was the mob began. Men surrounded us trying to take our carts. Not to steal but to walk them for us. They know they will get tipped and are just desperate for money. I don’t think I can count on two hands how many men I had to say no merci to. There were people yelling trying to get through and to get your attention to try and get tipped. We found two men who were there as representatives of Matthew 25 and I felt so relieved. But we still had to push the carts a ways and turn down a few more guys trying to get them. We got to the van and waited about ten minutes for our driver and Theresa. Once they arrived we loaded the van and were on our way. I had never been so relieved to get out of an airport.

Meeting Theresa was something else. For someone on her 90^th trip, someone who works for bettering Haiti, I expected a down to earth style and personality. When I first realized who she was I thought there had to be some mistake. She had makeup and jewelry on. Her hair was done and she was dressed very nicely. She seemed very high maintenance. It gives me hope though. I appear to be high maintenance, at least my love of makeup does, but I can still have love and hope and do things for Haiti without it interfering. (*but she did say a few days later that with all the time you have in Haiti why not make yourself pretty. – Ha! Not quite the point.)

The ten to fifteen minute drive from the airport to Matthew 25 was so amazing and so very horrible at the same time. There were people everywhere, cars everywhere. It was pure chaos. No traffic laws, no lines on the roads to divide the lanes. The sights were amazing, our first real look at Haiti eye level, But it was so horrible and devastating. You could see how beautiful the buildings, now down, were. You could feel the sadness of the people walking. The markets were pitiful, people selling anything and everything. There were tent cities everywhere, even the medians of roads. There wasn’t a person there that wasn’t affected and it showed. There isn’t a way to process everything you see on that first drive. I have a feeling this whole week will be the same.

We arrived at M25. It is a gated house with a few guys guarding the front. We were let in and we unloaded the van. Laura, Dave’s - from Chicago - wife, greeted us and showed us where to put our personal belongings – in a bedroom – our luggage stayed out doors under an awning. The bedrooms are empty, except for backpacks, no one is allowed to sleep in the building, there was some damage and the building is not safe to sleep in but you can sit in there all day and eat inside. Laura then showed us our tents. And told us that the rocks on the ground were new. It had been raining a lot and the ground was too wet so they brought rocks in to keeps the tents from sinking. Brian dubbed it the hard rock hotel. Ha! Everyone had at least a sleeping bag to sleep on for padding, a pillow and a sheet. The girls had a huge tent and the boys split between two small ones. John slept along – I hear he snores. Once we all knew where we were sleeping we had some time to get acclimated. Laura showed us the ‘camp’ out back. It was set up where a triage center was established after the earthquake. It used to be a soccer field for kids to come and play. Now it was dirt and tents housing 1,300 people. Laura showed us the sick tent which was just built. We met two amputee victims, their surgeries were done on the table we were going to eat supper on. Good thing I can push that aside. We saw the new toilets that were just put in. The kids came running up to us as soon as they saw us. They were so happy. All smiling. How can they be so happy living like this? They were climbing all over us, I didn’t mind being a jungle gym at all. They all wanted a kiss and to hold hands. Again I couldn’t see how just holding my hand made them so happy – they have nothing. They wanted to know our names and for us to know theirs. I was in heaven. But my enjoyment turned to guilt. I have so much and yet I can be so unhappy and unsatisfied. We then walked to the roof where two rooms stood, there were two others that had to be torn down. Laura and Theresa talked about the plans for the future of M25, where to go now or to build. As of this moment they are renting this building and land. I am so amazed at Theresa, she is a wealth of information.

Dinner was amazing. Rice, chicken and veggies in sauce, beets, tomatoes, lettuce with dressing, plantains. There was a spicy cabbage slaw (not like our cole slaw) – it was SO good and SO spicy. I wish I had the recipe. We ate like kings. I wanted more, not knowing what we would have in Chateau. But a moment shared between a mother of a little girl, Theresa and I in the camp came to mind. The mother had a little girl, maybe two, and she stopped eating. Nothing they do can get her to eat. I wanted to cry at that moment. After dinner we all sat at the table and shared stores and tips and talked about all things Haiti. One guy scared us with a projected 12 hour drive. There was such an eclectic group with one thing in common, Haiti. M25 is such a great place and I hope everyone that helps it run smoothly realizes how wonderful it is. It is a perfect way to ease into the Haitian culture from the American. My goal upon arriving home, to learn Creole – for real.

John and I had a beer – they have beer and coke products – the old style bottles here at M25. The beer, Prestige, is so good. Maybe a mix between Carib and Kalik? I could drink it on the lake back home I think.

I have loved being in Haiti so much so far. It hasn’t been 24 hours yet but I can feel it in my bones that this will forever be a huge part of my life. I was really scared that once I arrived I would rethink my calling. But landing in Haiti, seeing it and feeling it, has made it clear that this is where I belong.

I called home to start the phone tree. It was good to hear my mom and dad’s voices and Carter’s too. It brought me to tears. I will miss them so much. But I have to remember that God brought me here for a reason.

I had Laura hold back a tray for me, they have so many beautiful pieces of artwork here. I hope there is some in Chateau too.

It is early, maybe 10, but I am calling it a night. I am so exhausted from such an emotional day.

A Little Discouraged

I have learned it is so easy to become discouraged. I don’t want to be discouraged and I am learning every day to put positive happy thoughts in my head. I am learning that discouragement is a gift from the devil. God gives hope and the devil puts thoughts in our heads and hearts that try and sway us from His truth.

As much as I love Haiti and hope for a better tomorrow every day for the people of Haiti, I have become discouraged. When I signed up for Haiti, when God placed this in my life (at such an incredible moment when I needed it) I didn’t do this for me. I felt 100% called by Christ to Haiti. To benefit Him and His people. Not to benefit me. Did His call benefit me? Absolutely! It has made me into a better person, a more loving and charitable person. I try and follow Him more and pray more and realize how blessed I am. Going to Haiti has changed me, my heart is no longer the same. I am not longer the same. I feel like Haiti, this mission God placed in my care, has turned a light on under my skin. I am happy to do anything for it and happy to talk about it. I really have been changed. I mean, I am still me. But just a better version of me.

That is how you have to approach Haiti. Haiti will always be Haiti. But if you can make it a better version then you are doing something good. I like to use a metaphor for how I think people need to mentally and spiritually approach a mission. Whether it be in Haiti, Africa, or here in the States, you need to remember who you are doing this for. If Christ is in each of us, ever present in every person, then we are going on missions to serve Him. To make a better place for Him, for His people to forge on a little better off then they were before. But the metaphor (please insert whatever your passion is when I use Haiti):

To me this Haiti mission has brought new life to me. It makes me think of carrying a child. This passion for Haiti and as you meet the people, the Haitian people are like a new life growing inside of you. To nourish and protect and grow this passion and these people you research and visit and minister and encourage and help much like a prenatal vitamin helps a mother with a child in the womb. You take it to nourish a new life. When you do things for your Haiti Ministry it is like a viatamin. You do it for the good of others, not yourself. Remember Christ came into this world to die for us expecting nothing but love and obedience from us. As side effects from a prenatal your hair grows stronger, shinier and faster as do your nails. As a side effect from doing good work for others your heart changes and your outlook changes and your perspective. Christ is working in you and because of that you change. But you don’t go on missions to be changed just the same you don’t get pregnant to take vitamins to make you hair and nails grow.

The changes come as a result from letting Christ in your heart and seeing things from His angle. You don’t expect changes but they happen. But the changes that do happen are not the reason to take on such a serious and life altering (for people on both sides) task. You don’t do it to try and get into heaven. In my opinion, if you are consciously trying to get into heaven by participating in a mission then you have selfish motives. Will it help you get into heaven? Possibly! Is it the right thing to do? For some, yes! But do it to help Christ, who lives in everyone. Not to benefit yourself.

I have been so discouraged because I feel so strongly. My calling was an emotional call and a strong call. I will not let God down by abandoning my call. But when I see people with selfish motives leading this mission it breaks my heart even more.

The person leading makes a great case that we go on missions to be changed and be more Christ-like and to make it to heaven and we gain so much more then the Haitians. But I don’t and can’t buy it. Especially when this person is ‘reeling’ (doing the motions) the Haitians in and telling others that we shouldn’t tell them that this benefits us more then them. But others nodded and seemed to agree, I can only hope they were nodding politely. I felt physically ill after that speech. How can someone lead, what should be, a selfless act in such a selfish way and sway people that way? Maybe I am the crazy one. Maybe I am seeing this the wrong way. But I can’t think of Christ dying for me on a cross for me to be selfish instead of following his selfless ways. I can’t imagine jumping from person to person, from friend to friend, to whomever you think will follow you and play a part in your plan. Abandoning people who have helped because they have differing views or ideas. Because they don’t fit in your master plan. What we all need to remember is that it isn’t our master plan we need to have in mind, it is the Lord’s. Lord, help me remember this.

This is why I am discouraged. This is why I am lost for the moment. I trust in the Lord and I know He will lead me to the answers I seek when He knows I am ready. Being in the storm before He calms the waters is not an easy place to be. Lord, help me hear your Words and see the path You are wanting me to go. I am not sure if I can stay in this ministry when it is led by such selfishness. I am not a selfless person, but when it comes to Haiti, I want to be. Diluting myself and my ideals would not then be God’s true work.

So I am left with two choices, stay or go. Stay and try and sway this ministry to where I feel God wants it or to go. Go find a new ministry for Haiti that serves His people they way He would. And depending on the answer to that I need to decide whether I feel more called to the rural areas or to Port au Prince or the orphanages. Please, calm the waters in the raging storm of my dilemma. Steer me, Lord, where I belong and give me peace and patience while I wait and serve You. Open my eyes, ears and heart to ‘hear’ you in every way you speak to me. Let me breathe you in so deep that it is You doing these works and not me, for I seek no benefit but to see Your Light shine in others through their faithfulness, joy, love and smiles. Be with me Lord as I need You. Help me, Lord. Help me recognize the good in all people I meet and help us all do Your works for You without expecting anything in return. For Christ died for us and opened the gate to You already, all we have to do is walk with Him, on His path, to eternal life. For anything that benefits us personally does not benefit You wholly. Let me understand more fully how to leave everything and follow You. Be with us all as we navigate the path in front of us and help each one of us to make that path Yours. I lay my troubles and burdens at your feet, Lord. Help me carry these so I may hear and see You as we walk together.

While I’m Waiting by John Waller is the perfect song to fit my mood, or where I need to find myself. I will wait Lord and when I am ready You will show me. But I will serve and worship you obediently while I’m waiting. And Lay ‘em Down by NeedToBreathe