Patience Part II

As I continue in my lesson of patience I am seeing how disciplined you have to be.

If you let me rant for a moment: PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!!!!!

Ok, I feel better. I guess I just see this (Haiti committee formation) as being fundamental to the success and support to our cause. An e-mail stating who (or a quick update) would be great. Please and thank you. J

Also, to build credibility this ministry needs to keep its promises. It breaks my heart when we say we are going to do something and we don’t. Like getting a committee and a mission statement and a plan. And the column in the bulletin! I wrote the last one and offered that anytime they needed. And this coming Sunday’s bulletin is missing the column. There is a picture, a reminder of the next meeting and a thank you to all who supported us in April (a little late?) but they were scattered all over the place. Where is the column? Maybe people complained about the one I wrote and want to take a break, but by taking a break we are doing nothing but setting ourselves back.

But I am really trying to not e-mail Father. But now that we don’t have a bulletin column? I am a little torn.

This is such a hard place for me to be in. I know what this ministry can be, I can FEEL it. It is so close I can practically smell it. Every time I even think about Haiti my heart feels so alive. That or I need to go to the doctor. Ha! I feel so much love and passion from God for the people in Haiti and it literally hurts to not have my hands on this and help move it along.

I am also a nosey person and not knowing what is or is not going on is really hard for me. I just know that people will begin to support and join our mission and cause once we get a committee, values and goals in place.

Now that that is out of the way. I feel so uncomfortably comfortable. Like I have an itch so bad. Not one that requires ointment or anything. An itch that I am not quite in the right place. As my journey back to God gets deeper and deeper the more I realize I need something to change. I need a change of pace. I need a new start. But I feel like I can’t really work on that until I know about Haiti.

I feel like Haiti will play a huge part in my life and my calling from God. I just want to make sure I save room for a big part in the committee if I get chosen.

I read the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan and I am rereading it now, or trying to at least. I have about 12 books that I have started. I need to narrow it down and concentrate on them one at a time. But I listened to his Lukewarm and Loving It sermon (you can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X82kjL1hDYU) and it just really made me sad to see how lukewarm I am. And the book focuses on that too. It really makes you think and rethink a lot of stuff you have going on in life. And where you are headed in life and after. It makes me sad to see what American Christians have become.

I noticed it too in Haiti. These people rely on Christ fro everything, and I mean EVERYTHING! In Port au Prince I was at the Matthew 25 House and they have a camp on their soccer field and it has about 1,300 people on it. Every morning (at 5am – but well after the roosters start crowing) they sang praises to God and held a mass. How amazing are these people. They lost everything and are living in a tent and they still have faith and love for God. We get down (like me above) when things don’t go our way or something bad happens. We question and wonder and start to think He isn’t there for us. It is sad to see how much material things we have and how little faith.

I think that is where my uncomfortableness is coming from. I lack in everything they have in abundance and I shouldn’t. I have more then I deserve and I am still unhappy. I am still discouraged. I still question God. I want my plans to come to fruition, not His. I don’t know how to lean on Him completely and trust Him for everything. I have a car and a home and food and clothes and…things and I think I need more. I guess I do, I need more faith and hope. It is like the song By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North.

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

I got a ways to go in my journey, but I hope as I walk, I walk in His direction with faith, hope, patience, openness and love.

I hope that I don’t get comfortable in life and stay there.

Don’t Get Comfortable by Brandon Heath

Comfortable, don’t get comfortable.
I am gonna’ move this mountain then I’m gonna move you in.

Yesterday, this is not yesterday.
You were standing on my shoulders now; you’re standing on the edge.
You’ve been looking for a sign all this time.

I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love like you’ve never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song

So afraid but you don’t have to be afraid
Even if you make mistakes
You know that I’ll remain
You’ve been looking for a sign all this time.
If you seek you’ll find me every time

A Little Discouraged

I have learned it is so easy to become discouraged. I don’t want to be discouraged and I am learning every day to put positive happy thoughts in my head. I am learning that discouragement is a gift from the devil. God gives hope and the devil puts thoughts in our heads and hearts that try and sway us from His truth.

As much as I love Haiti and hope for a better tomorrow every day for the people of Haiti, I have become discouraged. When I signed up for Haiti, when God placed this in my life (at such an incredible moment when I needed it) I didn’t do this for me. I felt 100% called by Christ to Haiti. To benefit Him and His people. Not to benefit me. Did His call benefit me? Absolutely! It has made me into a better person, a more loving and charitable person. I try and follow Him more and pray more and realize how blessed I am. Going to Haiti has changed me, my heart is no longer the same. I am not longer the same. I feel like Haiti, this mission God placed in my care, has turned a light on under my skin. I am happy to do anything for it and happy to talk about it. I really have been changed. I mean, I am still me. But just a better version of me.

That is how you have to approach Haiti. Haiti will always be Haiti. But if you can make it a better version then you are doing something good. I like to use a metaphor for how I think people need to mentally and spiritually approach a mission. Whether it be in Haiti, Africa, or here in the States, you need to remember who you are doing this for. If Christ is in each of us, ever present in every person, then we are going on missions to serve Him. To make a better place for Him, for His people to forge on a little better off then they were before. But the metaphor (please insert whatever your passion is when I use Haiti):

To me this Haiti mission has brought new life to me. It makes me think of carrying a child. This passion for Haiti and as you meet the people, the Haitian people are like a new life growing inside of you. To nourish and protect and grow this passion and these people you research and visit and minister and encourage and help much like a prenatal vitamin helps a mother with a child in the womb. You take it to nourish a new life. When you do things for your Haiti Ministry it is like a viatamin. You do it for the good of others, not yourself. Remember Christ came into this world to die for us expecting nothing but love and obedience from us. As side effects from a prenatal your hair grows stronger, shinier and faster as do your nails. As a side effect from doing good work for others your heart changes and your outlook changes and your perspective. Christ is working in you and because of that you change. But you don’t go on missions to be changed just the same you don’t get pregnant to take vitamins to make you hair and nails grow.

The changes come as a result from letting Christ in your heart and seeing things from His angle. You don’t expect changes but they happen. But the changes that do happen are not the reason to take on such a serious and life altering (for people on both sides) task. You don’t do it to try and get into heaven. In my opinion, if you are consciously trying to get into heaven by participating in a mission then you have selfish motives. Will it help you get into heaven? Possibly! Is it the right thing to do? For some, yes! But do it to help Christ, who lives in everyone. Not to benefit yourself.

I have been so discouraged because I feel so strongly. My calling was an emotional call and a strong call. I will not let God down by abandoning my call. But when I see people with selfish motives leading this mission it breaks my heart even more.

The person leading makes a great case that we go on missions to be changed and be more Christ-like and to make it to heaven and we gain so much more then the Haitians. But I don’t and can’t buy it. Especially when this person is ‘reeling’ (doing the motions) the Haitians in and telling others that we shouldn’t tell them that this benefits us more then them. But others nodded and seemed to agree, I can only hope they were nodding politely. I felt physically ill after that speech. How can someone lead, what should be, a selfless act in such a selfish way and sway people that way? Maybe I am the crazy one. Maybe I am seeing this the wrong way. But I can’t think of Christ dying for me on a cross for me to be selfish instead of following his selfless ways. I can’t imagine jumping from person to person, from friend to friend, to whomever you think will follow you and play a part in your plan. Abandoning people who have helped because they have differing views or ideas. Because they don’t fit in your master plan. What we all need to remember is that it isn’t our master plan we need to have in mind, it is the Lord’s. Lord, help me remember this.

This is why I am discouraged. This is why I am lost for the moment. I trust in the Lord and I know He will lead me to the answers I seek when He knows I am ready. Being in the storm before He calms the waters is not an easy place to be. Lord, help me hear your Words and see the path You are wanting me to go. I am not sure if I can stay in this ministry when it is led by such selfishness. I am not a selfless person, but when it comes to Haiti, I want to be. Diluting myself and my ideals would not then be God’s true work.

So I am left with two choices, stay or go. Stay and try and sway this ministry to where I feel God wants it or to go. Go find a new ministry for Haiti that serves His people they way He would. And depending on the answer to that I need to decide whether I feel more called to the rural areas or to Port au Prince or the orphanages. Please, calm the waters in the raging storm of my dilemma. Steer me, Lord, where I belong and give me peace and patience while I wait and serve You. Open my eyes, ears and heart to ‘hear’ you in every way you speak to me. Let me breathe you in so deep that it is You doing these works and not me, for I seek no benefit but to see Your Light shine in others through their faithfulness, joy, love and smiles. Be with me Lord as I need You. Help me, Lord. Help me recognize the good in all people I meet and help us all do Your works for You without expecting anything in return. For Christ died for us and opened the gate to You already, all we have to do is walk with Him, on His path, to eternal life. For anything that benefits us personally does not benefit You wholly. Let me understand more fully how to leave everything and follow You. Be with us all as we navigate the path in front of us and help each one of us to make that path Yours. I lay my troubles and burdens at your feet, Lord. Help me carry these so I may hear and see You as we walk together.

While I’m Waiting by John Waller is the perfect song to fit my mood, or where I need to find myself. I will wait Lord and when I am ready You will show me. But I will serve and worship you obediently while I’m waiting. And Lay ‘em Down by NeedToBreathe