Day Three

April 23, 2010

So the sun comes up early and the chickens are up even earlier with help later from the goats. That equals getting up at five or five-thirty. But once you open your eyes, at least for me, I am so ready to go. I slept so well. I found out the hard breather was a lizard as were the chirping bird noises too. They were a beautiful chorus to fall asleep to last night.

Once we were all up and showered we had mass – at seven – in the small chapel within the rectory. It was all in Creole but you could tell the different parts of mass. It was beautiful. Fr. LaVoud is an amazing man. You can see in his eyes and in the way he celebrates mass that he is faith driven and not self-driven. There were only three other women in the mass with us and they led the songs. They all had beautiful voices. Strong and beautiful. It seems like their voices embody the Haitian people. For anyone who endures such hardships in life has to be strong and to still have faith and smile every day makes them beautiful.

We ate breakfast. Fruit and bread with jelly or peanut butter or cheese. And I enjoyed their coffee. It was better then American coffee. We discussed our plans for the day over our meal. Today and tomorrow were going to be crazy busy with visiting chapels and schools and the clinic.

The clinic was our first stop it was across the street and down just a little ways. They shut down Friday afternoon as many of the workers live in Les Cayes. So we wanted to get the supplies to them before that. And Fr. LaVoud worries of the day they will ask to be paid more because he can barely pay them now. There are four workers and the two dental students. The four main workers would be similar to an RN a LPN and two lab techs. They give out bandages and simple medications. Anti-acids, anti-inflammatory meds, antibiotics, medications for Typhoid and worms and malaria. They don’t have much of anything and people pay only ten goudes a visit and sometimes pay for certain meds. It doesn’t cover costs at all. They work off of batteries and solar power and have a fridge hooked up to a LP tank. They don’t have any good medical or dental tables, chairs, tools – nothing that we would ever see.

They were so grateful for the supplies we did bring for them. And we saw the dental boys working on a man’s mouth. They have a home hooked on that the workers use during the week, M-F and they go back home for the weekends. No major medical problems are taken care of. What is done is usually a band-aid fix. If anything major needs to happen they have to find a ride into the nearest hospital. And that is at least a few hours away. There was a couple there waiting and one of the worker’s son was there. He was maybe two and he had a little kickball. He wanted to follow us all over, inside, outside, through all the rooms. He was adorable. And he loved getting his picture taken. He was more interested in see it so he would walk to you as you were taking it but he loved it. How cute it was to see such excitement over what we take for granted. I am constantly reminded of how we don’t even realize what we have.

We were on our way after that. We walked to the national school, which wasn’t too far. We met the principal, but he wouldn’t let us see a classroom. He didn’t want to disrupt classes, and when thee kids see a white person chaos happens, so I could respect that wish. There are 480 students from ages three or four until they finish and depending on when they started or how well they are learning it may be eighteen to twenty – and that isn’t high school. The principal was very knowledgeable and answered all our questions. Anything run by the Haitian government is a little scary to me, but this man seemed in charge and his own person. I did get the feeling he wasn’t really excited to see white people come to the community. I felt that around the school too. The little kids were so happy to see us. They love to gather around and see the circus – I swear that was what we were to them, a sideshow. Many have never seen a white person before. And while the younger kids wanted their picture taken and to talk to us the older kids wanted nothing to do with us. I can understand skepticism. I am sure others have promised to help before and nothing came from it. But they are entitled to their feelings no matter where they come from. I just hope next time they warm up to us a bit.

The truck met us at the school and once we were done spending time with some of the kids we were off again. Two chapels were on our list to hit before lunch. Fr. LaVoud seems worried because we are running behind. But then again, it seems time doesn’t exist in Haiti.

The first chapel we went to was amazing. Not the building, of course, although it was beautiful in its own way. But we walked in and there were children on one side and adults on the other. The kids were all in school uniforms. We learned this chapel runs an elementary school. But as soon as we walked in the kids started singing. They sang a few songs and the Madame who is the head of that chapel and also in charge of the school and teaching talked to us for a while. She is a strong woman. She stated their needs/wants and told us all about the area around the small chapel. We took questions from the adults and the kids sang again. I wonder if the kids had learned anything in the last month or so or just practiced those songs. But the Madame was amazing, making us feel welcome and like royalty. She talked to us and was appreciative of the prayerful support we offered. I wish we could do more right now but we can’t, not with out a lot of funding and backing from the parish.

The second chapel we visited was locked. Fr. LaVoud said they where there earlier but must have had things to do. I felt bad, like we were disappointing the people. We did get to look inside the windows at the school there. It has been shut down, but the building looked to be in good shape.

Back to the rectory for lunch. We had fish and vegetables in sauce with rice and beans. It was so delicious. There was a small boy of a year and a half maybe that came into the rectory. He ran up to Fr. LaVoud and sat on his lap. He stayed there until we all took turns holding him. We thought we heard he was sort of adopted by the priest because his parents were gone. How sad. He is the sweetest boy the cutest mile.

After lunch we were on to three more chapels. All with the same requests. New chapels, new schools. Help in any way. Again we could only promise prayers, I truly hope they understand. They are very appreciative of just prayers, I hope we can get something to someone here.

The first chapel of the afternoon had flowers everywhere. They had a strong female director. I am so impressed with the way these women take charge. Maybe they need to be in charge of the country. They had a few songs for us. A little girl ran up to Fr. LaVoud and sat on his lap. She ended up falling asleep in his arms. How wonderful to see a priest so involved with his people and not constrained by the stereotypes of priests. We were given so much fruit. And coconuts to eat and drink there. The chapel was very small and they needed and wanted so much.

The second chapel was closed and locked. We were going to have mass there Sunday so we would see it then. It also had a school not in use and this one looked ok to me too.

The third chapel was newer and bigger. It seemed newer. They were so worried about me sitting in the sun, I wasn’t burnt, but they didn’t want any of us to burn. Here we heard more requests. A man talked about his bakery crumbling. We saw it, an area that they used for dancing, and then they showed us the school.. It was sad to see so many schools shut down. As we walked through there was a pile of school workbooks. It pains me to see resources wasted and it serves as a warning that what we give them we need to be sure they will use it. There was one book sitting on a table, just like someone was coming back for it. It was sad to see it go unused. After that we walked back to the chapel and on the way a man had his son climb a palm tree – so impressive – barefoot with ho help and throw down coconuts. And then we were given so much fruit again.

I haven’t ever eaten so much coconut jelly and drank the water. I’m not really a fan but they offer and you cannot refuse. It was encouraging to see how grateful everyone was for us and how much people offered us – so many fruits. It was sad to hear how long they had been waiting for us to come, since December. We shouldn’t give them dates until we know for sure. But they all were so glad to have us now.

Throughout the travels of the day I saw views beyond belief. Post card worthy. The Haitians are sitting in paradise. For what they lack in things, they have in excess of beautiful land. The mountains are amazing to look at, we don’t get to see that much in Indiana. The palm trees are gorgeous. I did feel so bad for the animals. Most were tied up to trees or rocks and they were all so terrified of the truck. And then there were the dogs. All stray. But many had fur missing and parts swollen, it was so sad. The rides in the truck were so much fun. We were making turns at mountain’s edge with 500 to 800-foot drops. Crossing paths with edges on either side, bumpy roads of big rocks. It was fun and scary, but I never felt completely in danger. John started saying “OH MY!” and giving Domo directions to make himself feel safer. It turned into a joke after a while and Domo loved it too.

We made it back in time for dinner, goat, and these things that looked and tasted like thin crescent rolls with meat (I think) in them in circle shape, there was yams and even fries! And there was the spicy cabbage again! I love that stuff. This one had some lime juice in it too. I am beginning to seriously LOVE the food here.

After dinner we all went out front and played with the kids. We taught them a couple songs like ‘Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes’ and they taught us a few too. They were teaching us words and learning our words. We were counting and some even knew some Spanish! These are smart kids. I did wonder if they ever go to school though as they were around the rectory ALL the time. The guys were teaching them tricks and the hand slap game. A few of them know “I love you, baby!” HA! They are so funny. Some even tried to trick Brian and I into saying bad things, but we caught on. One of the guys kept laughing at my name. No one could say it right and I am wondering if it means something bad. I guess I will find out later as it is getting late. I am so glad I took a lot of pictures and recorded things. I don’t want to forget any of this. We were also told Lucas, who was there last night again, was living with his dad and that his mom was in New York or Miami or Washington DC. That just means she is in the US because those are the only cities they know – unless you talk about basketball. They love American basketball. I have no idea how or where they see it but they knew a lot of teams and players. I was sad for Lucas but glad he still had his dad. I would take him home in a heartbeat.

Oh, we got to use a computer tonight! The Internet works when the generator is running so I e-mailed home. Just a quick one. It reminded me of everyone back home, not that I forgot, but you do get wrapped up in everything here.

Day Two

April 22, 2010

I have to admit that sleeping in a tent, on rocks, is easier then I expected. I slept so well. It did take a while to fall asleep. I heard there was a man from the camp who was walking in the street who had a seizure. The Haitians believe seizures (and really any deformity or retardation or illness) are a curse, usually from voodoo that was put on them or their parents. The camp was loud and scared and no one could calm down as they feared a demon was in the man. He had to be taken to his parents’ house to calm the camp. It is so sad to realize this is a reality here, this way of thinking. We all were woken up at five this morning to beautiful singing coming from the camp. I guess they sing songs of praise and have a mass every morning. I guess in reality we were all up earlier then that. The chickens start at two and the goats chime in at four. You get used to it and it is almost soothing. And there are guards that stay up all night too to make sure everything stays under control – that made me feel better.

I peed this morning. I think the first time since arriving yesterday. It is so hot you just sweat it all out. I remembered the rules, if its yellow let it mellow, if its brown flush it down. And all toilet paper, unless it is brown gets thrown into the trash.

I showered, but now ten minutes later I am drenched again in sweat. And showers here are so different. You have to take a military shower and there is no such thing as warm water. Turn the water on and rinse off and wet your hair and turn it back off. You suds up and wash your hair. Turn the water back on and rinse off again and rinse your hair out. Maybe 45 seconds of water usage. But it is the best 45 seconds of your day when you are hot and dirty.

At six a few of us went into the camp to help pour milk for the children. There are a few guys who mix milk, all milk is in powder form in Haiti due to the lack of refrigeration. I took pictures as Amber and John did the work. It was great to see the men in charge making sure the cups were clean, and if they weren’t they were vigilant about cleaning them for the kids. It was good to know they kids are getting some milk every day. They line up from smallest to biggest with boys on one side and girls on the other. And if any small children show up late the older kids will make sure the smaller ones get in line before them. I couldn’t stop and hope that they eat today. The men running the camp are very self sufficient, wanting no help from M25. It is nice to see them take charge, and they really seem like they know what they are doing.

As we waited for Domo and Fr. LaVoud to arrive we had time to gather our things and reflect. Amber and Fr. Dave were going up to the roof to do his morning prayer and invited anyone that wanted to join to follow. I figured I would see what it was all about so I followed. Fr. Dave even let me read some. It was a neat experience to do this with Fr. Dave. I never realized how much priests pray. But I enjoyed it. While it might be that the prayers aren’t understood, but Fr. Dave said you do it anyway for the good of the parish, not for your understanding. We had mass out front with anyone who wanted to join in. Fr. Dave presided and we all got to pick songs to sing. It was beautiful.

We waited a while longer for the driver from Chateau. Finally a truck pulled up with three people in it. We were so confused. The two were from PaP we found out, only tagging along to see if they could do any job for a few dollars. They loaded the truck for us and wouldn’t leave for the longest time. We finally had to pay then five dollars to get them out of our hair. The other gentleman sat off to the side, didn’t smile at us, didn’t say hello. He was on his cell phone the whole time. Theresa had talked to him a bit and she told us he was Fr. LaVoud. We all were so worried. He didn’t seem like a priest. He didn’t seem like anyone we wanted to associate with. Finally after talking to him again Theresa found out he was a hired driver Fr. LaVoud sent with his truck. We were so relieved. Domo showed up shortly thereafter and we were on out way.

Theresa, John, Amber and I with the driver Fr. LaVoud sent and everyone else with Domo. Doorville (spelling?), our driver is crazy on the road. And the roads are even crazier. We stopped at a grocery store to pick up odds and ends Theresa wanted. And we were on our way. In the city, everywhere you look, you see Digicel billboards, stores and vendors on the streets. Now that Haiti has cell phone service it is a must have item. And you see how ripped of we are when it comes to phones. They cost around $40 there but minutes are pretty expensive.

Once we were on our way again my stomach started turning. I was feeling so sick. Not because of food or illness. It was because of the destruction. Beautiful buildings, homes, people’s entire lives are down all around us. And it is random. Some buildings had no damage where the building next door is completely leveled. It made me sick to see the division between the rich and the poor. It made my heart break to see how many camps there are. Everywhere you look, on the medians, in parks, wherever there is free space there are tents. Rubble is being collected but it is being put in the parks. So now kids who lost everything have no lost a place to escape and play without worry too.

We picked up two people in PaP. I figured it was random, but it was planned. They are two boys in dental school from Chateau. They go back once a month to do extractions and such.

Once out of PaP, I am surprised we made it out alive. There are cars passing and playing chicken. Honking and flashing your lights are the only way to get around there it seems. But I thought we were out of the worst. I was wrong. We came into Leogane and this was the true epicenter. That didn’t get across in the media. It was horrible there, the damage. It was so horrible. The people of Leogane are upset that aid barely made it to them. The people, even with aid coming in are still pretty much on their own.

I also noticed throughout the drive where damage was greatest had these banners hanging in the air. I kept thinking of Lake Wawasee, they always had banners during the summer talking about events. I found out these banners told survivors where the makeshift morgues were. Where to look for you loved ones. I can’t even imagine what it is like to be told on a banner where to take dead or search through the dead for someone.

Seeing the cities fade and the countryside come into view, destruction was less and less but poverty was even more prevalent. I can’t imagine living like thee people. Rusting tin or leaf roofs, tarps or rusted tin for walls, maybe five by five. Children without shoes or clothes, parents who just looked defeated but determined.

We made many stops on our way into Chateau. Our driver had to get gas – we stopped near a woods and Doorville disappeared and then came back with a few people and a few gallons of gas, the boys from PaP helped with a cut in half plastic Sprite bottle to be the funnel – I have never seen it done like that, talk to his girlfriend, pay some kid some money, eat, and we stopped at Domo’s cousin’s place. She is a sister and they run a school. We were able to use the restrooms and see a couple kids who hadn’t been picked up from school yet, a little boy and a little girl. The little boy was fast asleep and missing a shoe. They were so precious. And their uniforms were pristine.

The views were beautiful as we drove even further into the mountainsides. There were new roads being built (form what I heard someone in the government’s mistress had a brother who builds roads so that was why they were being built, I also heard Preval was having many roads built to help him get re-elected – who knows) but they men building the roads were digging trenches with pickaxes and shovels. The roads were only stone and very dusty but also very nice. We were so lucky that we had nice roads until the last thirty minutes.

Theresa looked back at us as we turned onto a shady looking road and said, now we make our ascent into the mountains. John, who made the sign of the cross so many times throughout the trip as we hit chickens, almost hit people walking, almost hit motorbikes and almost had a few head-on collisions, started praying. The drive wasn’t as bad as I expected but I think John was really nervous. We crossed one river but had to take a detour around an area where the next river we had to cross was too high. As we pulled past the main chapel I got excited.

We pulled closer to where we were staying and I heard this music and singing. I was thinking, man who is having a party and didn’t invite us. I figured we still had a while before we arrived. Then all of a sudden we pulled into the drive to the rectory (we didn’t know they had one – all the information we had was from 2004, many changes had taken place since). There were tons of people there with flags and instruments. The instruments were mad of PVC pipes and gas funnels, it seemed anything they could find they made into an instrument. We danced and smiled for a while. All the kids were to one side and the adults, most of them, stayed behind the flags. They were so careful not to get too close too fast. I was fighting back tears as we were welcomed so warmly. They were taking pictures with their phones and someone even had a camera. It was crazy to be fussed over so much.

Fr. LaVoud, whom is nothing like Doorville thankfully. Welcomed us into the rectory and showed us around. He showed us the small chapel inside, the adoration room, the bedrooms and the balconies. Well the balconies were nice but there was no railing. I was a little nervous of that. Once we had set down our backpacks and personal items we grabbed the suitcases and took them to the dining room to store until we needed to hand things out. Men came to help us. I felt like I needed to be doing this, I came to help them or at least to see what we can do. And then here they are helping us. Once all that was taken care of it was time to eat dinner. I was hungry as I had a power bar for lunch over six hours ago.

We stood behind our chairs and sang our meal prayer. “Manje sa, ou voye ban nou an papa, manje ki bay lavi. This food, you send for us our Father, it is the food of life. Amen. Bon appétit.” And we ate. We had meat and veggies in sauce and rice. There was also fruit, or I thought it was. It turns out that they take green bananas and boil them and use them as a starch with breadfruit and yams. I was shocked when I took the first bite of what I thought was a normal banana. Some of us had a beer (John, after a swig, finally said he was having fun and he was excited – we even have it on video) and we all drank a lot of water. I enjoyed the meal. I thought we had beef roast. You saw bulls out every now and then. But I was corrected. It was goat. It was really good though. I could eat it all the time. I bet I will be.

After dinner we went back out to the front where the people were still singing and dancing. We found out they had been waiting on us since noon, we didn’t arrive until a little after six. It was darker now and they took us up the road to dance in the street. It was fun to be with the people and see their joy and relief as we were finally there. There was a man, apparently they all had been hitting the bottle, called us girls beautiful and started dancing with me. He was a little handsy. Even with locked elbows he still tried to grab my butt and succeeded a couple times.

Fr. LaVoud found us and told us to get in the truck. We were going to see the retired bishop of Jeremie who was from Chateau. He helps out with masses here now. His house was huge and so nice. I had to wonder where they money came from to get that house built. His name was Willie and I can’t remember his last name. It’s Romulus, his last name. He introduced us to his family – all of them were in their 80s and 90s! He told us of his service, one of the youngest Haitian bishops when he came to that title. In the early nineties the government was killing the poor, hundreds of thousands were killed. He was the only bishop in Haiti to speak out against the injustice. And from 1991-1994 he ran under the radar because he was to be killed. Many times God was with him as he evaded the military after him. He was in a car and he hadn’t changed his plates yet so his was not stopped as they barricaded streets in search of him and some military personnel who believed in his statements warned him. I can’t imagine, for four years, to be in fear of my life and being on the run. During this entire time there was a bat flying around the room we were in.

We discovered that the info we had about this parish was not accurate. Six years later and so many things have changed. There is now only one dispensary/clinic and only one national school and a couple chapel schools. Many had shut down for lack of funding to pay teachers. It is sad to hear and a little disappointing as we could have brought other things instead of tons of teacher bags. But these are lessons we need to learn and keep in better contact with our sister parish. Riding in the back of the truck to and from the bishop’s home was fun. I hope I can do that in the daylight too.

The singing outside followed us to the bishop’s home and stayed for a while. They didn’t stop until maybe nine. They were so excited for us and so grateful for our presence. Once we got back we were all a little tired. But we realized at night when the generators were running there was a radio station. It serves as their bulletin, announcements, dates, they even pray the rosary at night. We finally called it a night. Once we got to our rooms we realized how much they had done for us. We all had mattresses and a pillow and sheets and towels. They had soap and toothbrushes and toothpaste for us. We looked into the bathroom and there was a toilet and shower for us! We are so lucky and they have worked so hard for our coming. The bathroom was even tiled partially. We are so blessed.

Before I feel asleep, which took awhile, I heard all these noises. I thought someone was having trouble breathing and it sounded like birds chirping all night. And there was a wood bar running across my hip. But it is better then the floor or out in the open. Finally I fell asleep.

Day One

April 21, 2010

Oh Lord, the dreams I had last night. I might have had a lot on my mind. John kept talking about not going. I dreamt he left the Chicago airport and said he couldn’t do it. But I also dreamt we made it safely into Haiti. I hope the latter is the only true part. I’m not sure if it was the lack of sleep, the dreams, the nerves or the excitement but it was so easy to wake up. Heaven is a Place was the song that woke us up. Amber and I chatted about the meaning of it – I remember hearing that story but didn’t know that was the song. We all took quick showers to rinse off (we weren’t sure when we would shower again). I washed the remnants of my makeup form the day before off. (I never go anywhere without makeup – a whole week is going to be a long time, especially in airports.) I even repacked my personal item to a smaller bag that morning. It was a little after 6 when we left Dave’s for the airport. His friend came to help take us and our luggage (seven people, fourteen suitcases, seven big backpacks and seven personal items) there wasn’t much room even with a conversion van. Security was easy at the airport. We breezed through completely unexpectedly. All of our luggage weighed fifty pounds or less – only ours was thirty some pounds which was hard to see – wasted weight that could have housed supplies. And only a few had things looked through or taken away when they scanned out carry ons and personal items. We got settled at our gate and waited to go to Miami. John kept telling us that the other flights to Cancun and such were calling his name and he would meet us in Chicago in a week. Ha! He was so reluctant to go. Not sure if it was just for attention or if he really had reservations about the trip. I am really nervous. Not about Haiti, about the flights. I have turned into the most nervous flier. Maybe this trip will help me. I remember what Adam had told me about the nerves. I hope it works.

The first flight was easy. Smooth, long, but it went a little faster then expected. I need to remember to bring a credit card if I fly American again. They played The Blind Side and the earphones were two dollars and they only take cards. Same for food. Sue and I talked about a few books on the flight as we sat next to each other. We also talked about The Blind Side. We made it to Miami without a hitch. We didn’t have a long layover and Amber was worried that we had to go grab our luggage and get them to customs or something. She lost a bet about that to Fr. Dave. She owes him ice cream at Zesto because she was wrong. We all grabbed a bite to eat. Nine dollar sandwiches. Fr. Dave bought mine. I need to send a thank you for that. He said he needed to break a fifty and I need not worry about it. But I still feel bad.

When we boarded the plane for Port au Prince we had to talk to customs/border control people. Asking a few questions like why are you going how much money do you have how long are you staying. Then I got a weird one. He looked at my name and asked if I was famous because of my name. I said no and he asked if I ever googled myself and I said yes and I assured him I never popped up on those searches. The second flight I sat by Janet. It was a huge plane. Seven across, two-three-two. There seemed to be over forty rows and even a business class section - that part was pretty empty. There were many mission teams from all over the US. A lot had matching shirts. That is something to look into for next time.

As we backed away from the gate all the nerves left me and what bubbled to the top was joy and a lot of it. I knew I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. I wasn’t going on this trip to change my heart. I was going because I felt called by God and because I want to know how I can help. My heart changing is a side effect, an added bonus. I felt God reassuring me that I am doing the right thing. It all seemed surreal that it was really happening. I was two hours away from my calling. I am so excited and calm for this flight. Smiles kept creeping onto my face as I knew this was right.

It was a bit bumpy out of Miami but above 10,000 feet it was a little better. We got free snacks on this flight. Crackers with cheese spread, raisins and chocolate. And we got a few papers to fill out for customs. It was confusing and I copied from Sue all but my name, address and passport number. I think I got it right. Hopefully.

WE MADE IT!!! I cannot believe we made it and are here. My paperwork was right or at least ok because I made it through customs. I even kept a page I was supposed to turn in. I guess they didn’t look to carefully at anything. Oops. I asked Amber where I needed to put it or if I keep it until we leave and she was like – AH how did you get through without giving it??? I told her I just walked through saying I was with those people (them).

Flying in was amazing, I had Janet take pictures as she was in the window seat. I hope they turn out ok. It was beautiful everywhere I looked. The mountains were beautiful, boats were in the water spotting the ocean – just knowing I was there. The roads were visible and the main ones looked good, but that is from the air. You could see damage and rusted roofs of homes too and a lot of tarps and tents. I was unsure if there was construction or destruction looking from above. It is amazing how much devastation and destruction you see from the sky. I fought back tears as we landed. I didn’t think I could feel anymore right in where I was and what I was doing but I did. I also felt like I was home. In a strange way, I think I am. I think Haiti will always be my second home from now on.

Going through the airport was interesting. Off into a jet way, then down an escalator and onto a bus to travel a short, walkable distance. Then through immigration. Getting our bags was a mess. The room was so hot and crowded. I got a few carts since we had so much luggage and we waited and waited and waited. I was afraid our luggage was stolen or we would have to pay someone for it but it came on the last truckload. All 14 pieces were there! And going through the second part of immigration, claiming our belongings was where I forgot to turn in a paper, oops. But minus the waiting and gathering of luggage immigration took a smile and about 45 seconds. Way easier then I ever imagined it to be – way too simple. But I won’t complain.

As soon as I thought about how easy it was the mob began. Men surrounded us trying to take our carts. Not to steal but to walk them for us. They know they will get tipped and are just desperate for money. I don’t think I can count on two hands how many men I had to say no merci to. There were people yelling trying to get through and to get your attention to try and get tipped. We found two men who were there as representatives of Matthew 25 and I felt so relieved. But we still had to push the carts a ways and turn down a few more guys trying to get them. We got to the van and waited about ten minutes for our driver and Theresa. Once they arrived we loaded the van and were on our way. I had never been so relieved to get out of an airport.

Meeting Theresa was something else. For someone on her 90^th trip, someone who works for bettering Haiti, I expected a down to earth style and personality. When I first realized who she was I thought there had to be some mistake. She had makeup and jewelry on. Her hair was done and she was dressed very nicely. She seemed very high maintenance. It gives me hope though. I appear to be high maintenance, at least my love of makeup does, but I can still have love and hope and do things for Haiti without it interfering. (*but she did say a few days later that with all the time you have in Haiti why not make yourself pretty. – Ha! Not quite the point.)

The ten to fifteen minute drive from the airport to Matthew 25 was so amazing and so very horrible at the same time. There were people everywhere, cars everywhere. It was pure chaos. No traffic laws, no lines on the roads to divide the lanes. The sights were amazing, our first real look at Haiti eye level, But it was so horrible and devastating. You could see how beautiful the buildings, now down, were. You could feel the sadness of the people walking. The markets were pitiful, people selling anything and everything. There were tent cities everywhere, even the medians of roads. There wasn’t a person there that wasn’t affected and it showed. There isn’t a way to process everything you see on that first drive. I have a feeling this whole week will be the same.

We arrived at M25. It is a gated house with a few guys guarding the front. We were let in and we unloaded the van. Laura, Dave’s - from Chicago - wife, greeted us and showed us where to put our personal belongings – in a bedroom – our luggage stayed out doors under an awning. The bedrooms are empty, except for backpacks, no one is allowed to sleep in the building, there was some damage and the building is not safe to sleep in but you can sit in there all day and eat inside. Laura then showed us our tents. And told us that the rocks on the ground were new. It had been raining a lot and the ground was too wet so they brought rocks in to keeps the tents from sinking. Brian dubbed it the hard rock hotel. Ha! Everyone had at least a sleeping bag to sleep on for padding, a pillow and a sheet. The girls had a huge tent and the boys split between two small ones. John slept along – I hear he snores. Once we all knew where we were sleeping we had some time to get acclimated. Laura showed us the ‘camp’ out back. It was set up where a triage center was established after the earthquake. It used to be a soccer field for kids to come and play. Now it was dirt and tents housing 1,300 people. Laura showed us the sick tent which was just built. We met two amputee victims, their surgeries were done on the table we were going to eat supper on. Good thing I can push that aside. We saw the new toilets that were just put in. The kids came running up to us as soon as they saw us. They were so happy. All smiling. How can they be so happy living like this? They were climbing all over us, I didn’t mind being a jungle gym at all. They all wanted a kiss and to hold hands. Again I couldn’t see how just holding my hand made them so happy – they have nothing. They wanted to know our names and for us to know theirs. I was in heaven. But my enjoyment turned to guilt. I have so much and yet I can be so unhappy and unsatisfied. We then walked to the roof where two rooms stood, there were two others that had to be torn down. Laura and Theresa talked about the plans for the future of M25, where to go now or to build. As of this moment they are renting this building and land. I am so amazed at Theresa, she is a wealth of information.

Dinner was amazing. Rice, chicken and veggies in sauce, beets, tomatoes, lettuce with dressing, plantains. There was a spicy cabbage slaw (not like our cole slaw) – it was SO good and SO spicy. I wish I had the recipe. We ate like kings. I wanted more, not knowing what we would have in Chateau. But a moment shared between a mother of a little girl, Theresa and I in the camp came to mind. The mother had a little girl, maybe two, and she stopped eating. Nothing they do can get her to eat. I wanted to cry at that moment. After dinner we all sat at the table and shared stores and tips and talked about all things Haiti. One guy scared us with a projected 12 hour drive. There was such an eclectic group with one thing in common, Haiti. M25 is such a great place and I hope everyone that helps it run smoothly realizes how wonderful it is. It is a perfect way to ease into the Haitian culture from the American. My goal upon arriving home, to learn Creole – for real.

John and I had a beer – they have beer and coke products – the old style bottles here at M25. The beer, Prestige, is so good. Maybe a mix between Carib and Kalik? I could drink it on the lake back home I think.

I have loved being in Haiti so much so far. It hasn’t been 24 hours yet but I can feel it in my bones that this will forever be a huge part of my life. I was really scared that once I arrived I would rethink my calling. But landing in Haiti, seeing it and feeling it, has made it clear that this is where I belong.

I called home to start the phone tree. It was good to hear my mom and dad’s voices and Carter’s too. It brought me to tears. I will miss them so much. But I have to remember that God brought me here for a reason.

I had Laura hold back a tray for me, they have so many beautiful pieces of artwork here. I hope there is some in Chateau too.

It is early, maybe 10, but I am calling it a night. I am so exhausted from such an emotional day.

The Days Before Leaving

April 16, 2010
So I am finished with all the vaccines and boosters I need to go to Haiti with my last two today. I think if I had one more shot I would explode. My arms still hurt. But it is a small price to pay to go change and be changed. I feel like God is testing me. Giving me what I asked for in a huge way. I know I am not going to back down from this. I just hope and pray I do Him proud.

On a happy note this week I started taking my pills for Malaria. To my surprise they were bright pink! It is a sign. Ha! I love pink.

The closer they day comes, the more excited I get. Also a lot more emotional. But it is all this passion and emotion for Haiti that I am feeling. It isn't fear and I don't feel the buyer's remorse feeling you get when you commit to something and want to back out of. I am strangely calm and excited and happy all at once. I can't wait!

Today was also the packing party. I also packed my backpack and personal item. I think that was the soonest I have ever packed before a trip. I usually do it the night before. But seeing as this was a completely new experience I was packing for I wanted to be completely prepared for it with ample time to add things. I compulsively checked everything and rearranged it about a thousand times it seemed. I wanted everything perfect. Think imperfection was the theme of the night. The packing party started at six. Free pizza didn’t lure many people. But the people who were there made it fun. There was a plan for packing but I don’t think it was expressed very well. We wanted individual suitcases to only have one type of things in it (clinic, the priest, school) but as the night went on and for weight purposes everything got jumbled. But you live and you learn. We also discovered next time it would be great to have huge duffels (army style) for our suitcases as you can stuff a lot of supplies in those and they weigh nothing. Some of our suitcases weighed seven pounds empty. We had thirteen suitcases packed all weighing between 48.5 and 49.5 pounds. We left one open for personal supplies, hand sanitizer, bug spray, sunscreen bigger things you can’t take on a plane. We all had travel size items of those items just in case. Amber’s friend Dwayne was there. He had just gotten back from Haiti maybe 48 hours ago. He helped us learn the meal prayer and talked to us about any questions or concerns we had. He seems like an awesome guy. Amber has a lot of good contacts. We received rosaries for us that night, we are saving those to open in Haiti. But eventually everything was packed and we all went home.

I started packing my bags once I got home. It took a few hours to get everything in there and compacted enough to make it as a carry on. I have never traveled with just a carry on and personal item. I now know how to pack. Ha! But I don’t think this packing style will follow me for vacations.

Off to bed as I need to rest up for donuts after the eight thirty mass in the morning and our send off mass at eleven. Then at one I was participating in the Formula for Life walk at St. Francis. They raise money to get powder formula to malnourished babies in Haiti. How many things can I cram in before I leave?

April 20, 2010
Today we are leaving for Chicago. It will be over a week before I see my son, my family, and my friends again. As excited as I am I am terrified. I shaved my legs twice today, as I won’t be able to in Haiti. I’m not even sure if we will shower. I worked a half day today. I got a text from Clint Bayman and he told me Adam had something for me from both of them. It was a hug and an I love you. I can’t remember the last time Adam and I hugged. It was a moment I will remember forever. I was getting so nervous I was feeling sick or it was my greasy lunch (Arby’s – I wanted one last fix of American fast food) and some sour gummy worms (my favorite candy). Adam also shared with me to think of the nervous butterflies as courage building up inside of you. That actually helped a lot. Positive thinking can get you through so much. I’m not sure if I want to go through a lot or not in Haiti. But I do want a true experience there.

We all met at the youth house at six in the evening to head to Chicago. We were staying at Amber’s friend and fellow passionate Haiti traveler in his area, Dave and his wife Laura. He is going to let us crash in his house and take us and pick us up from the airport. It was such a sad moment to leave Decatur. Every trip there is a chance things can go wrong but you see it more travelling to a place unknown with people you don’t know very well. I tried to hold back the tears, but that didn’t go to well. Fr. Ben saw them. The turnout of people to see us off was awesome. Even Brian and John, who were leaving later, came, along with family and friends of the rest of us. A man, I forget his name, gave us necklaces. And we were off.

The drive was nice and easy. It was fun and full of Haiti talk. The sunset was beautiful. God’s parting gift to us I like to think. It is hard to think of the people who miss the beauty God shows us every day in nature. We stopped at Bob Evans per Fr. Dave’s request to eat. The service was SLOW. It took over an hour to finish there. I ordered a biscuit bowl, not good. I was paying and realized that I was given and extra ten-dollar bill. I think in the past I would have kept it, but I gave it back. I think Haiti was changing me before I even got there. Soon we were back on our way. Fr. Dave wanted to pray the rosary for safe travels. He asked me to lead a decade. I was terrified, I had never done that before. But I did it (almost forgetting how the Hail Mary goes) and I survived it. I think I even might have enjoyed it.

We made it to Dave’s house. We found out Laura, his wife, was in Haiti and the Matthew 25 house (where we were headed to in Port au Prince) as the Sister who is usually there took a month off to celebrate her 60th Jubilee. She deserved it especially after the earthquake as the dinning room table there was used to amputate and the soccer field was a triage center. So we would meet Laura tomorrow. Dave’s house was beautiful. He is a dentist who makes a few trips to Haiti each year with his wife. He had just gotten back and was already packing for his next trip in a month or so. The first thing I noticed was his foyer, it was full wall to wall, floor to ceiling of Haitian artwork. I wanted that. A daily reminder of Haiti, experiences and people. We all had a bed or couch to sleep on. Amber and I shared a room. It was hard to sleep because of nerves and excitement. We talked for a while but finally fell asleep. I think everyone woke up around three or three thirty in the morning to use the rest rooms. Morning was going to come faster then we thought I think.

Here I go...

I have been wanting to write about my trip for a while and honestly I haven’t been in a good place to share. I have it written and waiting to post but even that took so long. I have been discouraged but today I am fighting back and letting go and sharing. I feel the Lord calling me to stand up and fight the discouragement. To do something. I still don’t know where I will go or to whom I will minister to, but I will when it is time. I trust in You.

Bear with me as I upload thee. They are long but I can’t edit it down. You would miss out on so much and each and every story means so much to me – and I am sure many are boring but they all had such an impact on me. I learned so much there. I hope you can pick up a piece of that. Just as I have left a piece of my heart with each and every Haitian I met. My heart is no longer whole, the other parts reside in Haiti and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have two homes, here and Haiti. And that, I believe, is what the Lord wants for me. Thank You so much Lord for the opportunity to see, learn and feel You!

So if you choose, follow me. Follow the path the Lord is paving for me. Right now it is still rough and broken like the roads of Haiti, but the more I work for Him the smoother it will become. I am no longer walking this road alone, no longer left to navigate it. The Lord my God is here with me walking beside me, carrying me and showing me the way.

Follow You by Leeland featuring Brandon Heath, this has been my theme song from the moment I was called to this ministry, to Haiti. I will follow you, Lord, wherever that may be. Let me see Your path and give me strength to put You first in my life, so that everyone I meet, anywhere I go, can see You in me.

A Little Discouraged

I have learned it is so easy to become discouraged. I don’t want to be discouraged and I am learning every day to put positive happy thoughts in my head. I am learning that discouragement is a gift from the devil. God gives hope and the devil puts thoughts in our heads and hearts that try and sway us from His truth.

As much as I love Haiti and hope for a better tomorrow every day for the people of Haiti, I have become discouraged. When I signed up for Haiti, when God placed this in my life (at such an incredible moment when I needed it) I didn’t do this for me. I felt 100% called by Christ to Haiti. To benefit Him and His people. Not to benefit me. Did His call benefit me? Absolutely! It has made me into a better person, a more loving and charitable person. I try and follow Him more and pray more and realize how blessed I am. Going to Haiti has changed me, my heart is no longer the same. I am not longer the same. I feel like Haiti, this mission God placed in my care, has turned a light on under my skin. I am happy to do anything for it and happy to talk about it. I really have been changed. I mean, I am still me. But just a better version of me.

That is how you have to approach Haiti. Haiti will always be Haiti. But if you can make it a better version then you are doing something good. I like to use a metaphor for how I think people need to mentally and spiritually approach a mission. Whether it be in Haiti, Africa, or here in the States, you need to remember who you are doing this for. If Christ is in each of us, ever present in every person, then we are going on missions to serve Him. To make a better place for Him, for His people to forge on a little better off then they were before. But the metaphor (please insert whatever your passion is when I use Haiti):

To me this Haiti mission has brought new life to me. It makes me think of carrying a child. This passion for Haiti and as you meet the people, the Haitian people are like a new life growing inside of you. To nourish and protect and grow this passion and these people you research and visit and minister and encourage and help much like a prenatal vitamin helps a mother with a child in the womb. You take it to nourish a new life. When you do things for your Haiti Ministry it is like a viatamin. You do it for the good of others, not yourself. Remember Christ came into this world to die for us expecting nothing but love and obedience from us. As side effects from a prenatal your hair grows stronger, shinier and faster as do your nails. As a side effect from doing good work for others your heart changes and your outlook changes and your perspective. Christ is working in you and because of that you change. But you don’t go on missions to be changed just the same you don’t get pregnant to take vitamins to make you hair and nails grow.

The changes come as a result from letting Christ in your heart and seeing things from His angle. You don’t expect changes but they happen. But the changes that do happen are not the reason to take on such a serious and life altering (for people on both sides) task. You don’t do it to try and get into heaven. In my opinion, if you are consciously trying to get into heaven by participating in a mission then you have selfish motives. Will it help you get into heaven? Possibly! Is it the right thing to do? For some, yes! But do it to help Christ, who lives in everyone. Not to benefit yourself.

I have been so discouraged because I feel so strongly. My calling was an emotional call and a strong call. I will not let God down by abandoning my call. But when I see people with selfish motives leading this mission it breaks my heart even more.

The person leading makes a great case that we go on missions to be changed and be more Christ-like and to make it to heaven and we gain so much more then the Haitians. But I don’t and can’t buy it. Especially when this person is ‘reeling’ (doing the motions) the Haitians in and telling others that we shouldn’t tell them that this benefits us more then them. But others nodded and seemed to agree, I can only hope they were nodding politely. I felt physically ill after that speech. How can someone lead, what should be, a selfless act in such a selfish way and sway people that way? Maybe I am the crazy one. Maybe I am seeing this the wrong way. But I can’t think of Christ dying for me on a cross for me to be selfish instead of following his selfless ways. I can’t imagine jumping from person to person, from friend to friend, to whomever you think will follow you and play a part in your plan. Abandoning people who have helped because they have differing views or ideas. Because they don’t fit in your master plan. What we all need to remember is that it isn’t our master plan we need to have in mind, it is the Lord’s. Lord, help me remember this.

This is why I am discouraged. This is why I am lost for the moment. I trust in the Lord and I know He will lead me to the answers I seek when He knows I am ready. Being in the storm before He calms the waters is not an easy place to be. Lord, help me hear your Words and see the path You are wanting me to go. I am not sure if I can stay in this ministry when it is led by such selfishness. I am not a selfless person, but when it comes to Haiti, I want to be. Diluting myself and my ideals would not then be God’s true work.

So I am left with two choices, stay or go. Stay and try and sway this ministry to where I feel God wants it or to go. Go find a new ministry for Haiti that serves His people they way He would. And depending on the answer to that I need to decide whether I feel more called to the rural areas or to Port au Prince or the orphanages. Please, calm the waters in the raging storm of my dilemma. Steer me, Lord, where I belong and give me peace and patience while I wait and serve You. Open my eyes, ears and heart to ‘hear’ you in every way you speak to me. Let me breathe you in so deep that it is You doing these works and not me, for I seek no benefit but to see Your Light shine in others through their faithfulness, joy, love and smiles. Be with me Lord as I need You. Help me, Lord. Help me recognize the good in all people I meet and help us all do Your works for You without expecting anything in return. For Christ died for us and opened the gate to You already, all we have to do is walk with Him, on His path, to eternal life. For anything that benefits us personally does not benefit You wholly. Let me understand more fully how to leave everything and follow You. Be with us all as we navigate the path in front of us and help each one of us to make that path Yours. I lay my troubles and burdens at your feet, Lord. Help me carry these so I may hear and see You as we walk together.

While I’m Waiting by John Waller is the perfect song to fit my mood, or where I need to find myself. I will wait Lord and when I am ready You will show me. But I will serve and worship you obediently while I’m waiting. And Lay ‘em Down by NeedToBreathe

My Calling

So I guess I need to start from the moment where I came back to God. It wasn’t that long ago, but it does seem like a lifetime ago. It is funny when defining moments happen in life. They are the least expected things. I think of the Need to Breathe song Lay ‘Em down. When you sincerely lay your troubles down at the feet of Christ, He listens and if you are open enough to hear Him, He answers. I have to admit, it is usually not the answer we want and we are usually too busy and loud to notice even when it is. But God shines in the little moments and proves He is there.

I had one of those moments this weekend at the lake. I was on a boat late at night looking at the stars. You could see the Milky Way and different constellations. I hadn’t seen stars like that in years. I stood in awe and realized just how small and insignificant we are in the big universe God created. I thanked Him for the beautiful scenery that I was looking at and thanked Him for reminding me that I am not the center of the universe. Thanked Him for everything He has given, the beautiful weekend, time with my family, everything. I was almost brought to tears just thinking of how lucky we really are. When I was about down thinking Him a shooting star flashed across the sky. It was just one of those things, I really felt God was just letting me know He was listening. I usually pray when I or someone needs Him, it is so nice to sit and thank Him and that shooting star was His way of encouraging thankfulness.

But anyway. Back to my walk back to God, or rather my walk back to the path that will lead me to Him. I wrote this recollection of the day about a week before I went to Haiti. It is a day I never wanted to forget and don’t know why I didn’t write is sooner. But here it is:

September 26, 2009

This was day one. The beginning of a new chapter, a new life for me. It is amazing how often coincidence gets the credit for so much. I have a hard time with thinking this might have been one big coincidence. There is just too much to it. There had to be a higher power, a plan, set out for me. I obviously was way to far off track to see it before. They always say be careful what you wish for. In my case it was what I prayed for. And I am so lucky to have been listening to the answer. And to see results in seven months.

I never knew how passionate I could be beyond my own child. But my eyes were opened on a Saturday afternoon. A light came on inside me and I hope and pray it never burns out.

Here is what I wrote reflecting on that day shortly before I left for Haiti:

It is hard for me to call this a calling. I mean, that is exactly what it was and is. But it was more of a slap upside my head. So many random things were said and happened that it has to be more then coincidence. If you aren't a believer in God, then call it coincidences, call it I finally found my passion, found what I was meant to do. It was a calling no matter how you look at it, no matter Who/what called me to it.

It was Saturday afternoon. I am Catholic and we have a Saturday night Mass that counts as our Sunday Mass. I was over at my parents with my son when my mom said they were going to go to church. I was getting my son around to go home. I wasn't going to go. I hadn't been to church in a while. I hadn't been the best Christian in even longer. I knew I was missing something that I figured was church of some sort but I wasn't ready to go back and I wasn't sure where I was going to go.

I was telling my parents ‘see ya’ and, well, my mom cornered me and told me that when I had my son baptized I made him a promise and God a promise that he would go to church. My son goes to Catholic school and my mom reminded me that this year (2nd grade) he was going to be making his First Confession and First Communion and he needed to be in Mass leading up to and after that. I love my son more then anything in my life and I would do anything for him. So, because of what my mom said, I took Carter and we went to Mass with my parents.

When I walked into my church a feeling came over me that this was where I needed to be. This was my 'home.' I knelt before Mass and prayed (its just what we do) and I had such a heavy heart. I knew I wasn't on the right path, I wasn't happy and I needed help. I know selfish prayers never get answered they way you expect and I never expect my selfish prayers to even get a second's consideration from God. But I prayed in the hopes that saying it to Him would give me something.

I prayed for God to help me get back on the path that He originally intended for me to be on, the one next to His. I asked for His help to be a better mom, a better Christian, a better example to everyone I come into contact with. I also asked Him to help me come to Mass on a regular basis. I saw my mom's dedication as a teacher in the Catholic school and as a Eucharistic minister and my dad as a cantor and a choir member. I wanted something to grasp onto to make me feel like a bigger part of church and Him. I asked for a project or something, a sign that I should be involved in anything, any committee, any program, I mean I was open to anything. By the time I ended my prayer I was almost in tears. I knew I could be a better person with God's help and that I belonged here but I was also sad that I spent so much time praying for myself instead of others.

I sat back down and Mass started. I zoned out like I used to when I went to church. I knew I didn't deserve an answer to my prayers, I didn't expect one either. And I think I knew and God knew that I was at a breaking point - you know, just completely lost without a spiritual anchor. I have my son and he is my anchor in life and he is my life, there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. But I was missing a part of myself without Christ in my life - I could be so much better with Him and His help.

Once the gospel reading was read were again seated and the homily started. I had tears rushing to my eyes. I do now, even thinking about that day. It was so life changing and perspective changing and a true blessing. What happened was my priest started talking about the possibility of obtaining a sister parish in Haiti. Of mission trips and projects for them and committees and I was fighting crying in church. I am not a crier and I was not going to let the tears flow in the middle of Mass. This feeling washed over me. I can't even explain how amazing it felt, it was every good memory combined and so much more. Words will never do that moment justice. A light bulb came on. Not even 20 minutes after I knelt down and laid my troubles down and asked for help I had my answer. I had never had a moment like that before. God heard me and answered me. Me! Little old battered and bruised and broken me. It is so true that God's fools are the ones who are called. He doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. I was completely lost before that moment. Now I had a calling and a purpose. Other then being a mother, I have never felt so purposeful and passionate. I was called. Well, with as much emotion that ran though me it was more a smack upside the head. It was loud and obvious and something I don't think I would have ever thought of on my own. I go into contact with the person heading up this initial trip and have been an (over)active member of this committee and project ever since.

This calling is so far out of my bubble but yet I am so passionate about it. I am a scatterbrain and completely unorganized and all of my Haiti things are completely organized and I am on task with it. It is almost scary. This calling changed my life. I know Haiti will change my life even more. I just hope I can change some lives too in Haiti and here at home.

I am sure I haven't done that moment enough justice. No words will ever be able to describe it. But that is how I got my start. I am back to church every week. I went to confession (after 11 years of skipping it). I have, hopefully, started the walk back to God's path for me. And that path has led me to Haiti.

Today I am 6 days away from Haiti. 6 days and 4 hours and I will be stepping foot in Haiti. And 7 days we will be trekking out into the mountains to meet the people of Chateau. We are going in to do a community assessment to see what we can do in the future. I am so excited. I can't wait! I can't believe that in 7 months that calling has developed into a trip to Haiti.

That day made me realize that there is no such thing as coincidences. Everything happens for a reason. Everything happens because of Him and through Him. We just choose to follow His signs or ignore Him and go our own way.