Tuesday, August 17, 2010

A Little Confused

So I e-mail Fr. Dave on Monday and just asked for the names of the committee. I was defeated and I just wanted to know who they were and how to contact at least one of them to voice any concerns, because we all know I was saving my ideas. Bad Sarah.

So he e-mailed me back. I read it and he was like we do have a committee (my eyes are filling with tears as I contemplate running to the bathroom to let the water works flow) and there will be an announcement in the bulletin this Sunday. (I keep reminding myself that I did all I could and it was out of my hands and I needed to trust God that He knew what He was doing and had a plan for me that would be much better.) He said he attached the blurb and then said that he was still waiting on our Haiti 7 meeting up at the lake.

I read and reread this message about five times and couldn’t for the life of me see where this blurb was. I was going out of my mind! Why was he making me wait to see who these people were??? I hit reply to let him know he forgot that and I quickly canceled that message. I thought to myself, Sarah, calm down, obviously it wasn’t meant to be and you aren’t supposed to know right now (sometimes 3rd person talk is necessary, I swear). Heartbroken I read the message one more time, I needed to let it settle and I have a thing against odd numbers. So the sixth time I realized the blurb was there and just a different font. Why do people do that to me?? My brain doesn’t process two different fonts, to me that means old message or not important. So there I saw it. I read it and it was a reminder for our meeting and telling we do have a committee and who they were. The first name I read was a person whom I think I am similar to. (My dad was say we are hyper drive people – and I am and then mix in a little type A and a lot of passion.) So I felt a little better and then there were some other random people and some people who I think are annoying and some I think will not be strong willed enough to over come my match in hyper driveness. Yes, hyper drive is a word – in my mind. So I was satisfied but not happy about this. Then I saw it. How could my mind skip over these two words? I really must have not been processing anything correctly yesterday. It was my name! Me! Miss Passionate Hyper Drive Type A Over Bearer herself!

My heart sang, I swear. It danced and sang and cried out in thanks to Him! I told my brother and my dad and they both were excited for me. And I realized that the one person who was directing us before was absent from that list. I am not sure why and I am sure she will still have her hands on it in one way or another, but this is my time to try and turn this around. To make it a selfish ministry and not a self-serving ministry.

Then something happened by the end of the day. I lost my excitement. It was gone, poof. I am not sure if it was because I was frustrated that I had no computer yesterday for 4 hours at work due to updates and such so I walked around and my feet hurt because I decided to wear heels instead of sandals or if something in my heart changed. I am excited and ready to tackle this. And I sent a thank you e-mail to Fr. Dave too, once I could get to my e-mails again.

But I didn’t tell my mom and C wouldn’t really care, he is too young to see what the big deal is. It just wasn’t in the front of my mind. It was C’s first day of 3rd grade so that was a distraction too. But seriously, I was bummed at my lack of excitement.

Am I burned out? Was this just something I wanted because it might not have been likely that I get it? Was I just over thinking things? My mind was spinning with why I felt the way I did. Way too much doubt and thinking going on in my head.

Then it hit me. Besides Father, I am the only one that went to Haiti that is on this committee. And, honestly, I think Haiti impacted me more then Father. (He didn’t even really want to go to begin with.) But here I am an (almost) sole voice for the people we will be serving. The (almost) only person who was there and saw and smelled and felt and touched and heard Haiti and the people that call it home. I was so sad. One person is the mayor so he probably just has too much on his plate, but he was great publicity. One person backed out due to conflicts within and some family things. One person moved away. The other two aren’t on this (but one I was sort of happy about the absence, ok, fine I was REALLY ECSTATIC about it – but I do feel a little bad). Where are the voices for these people? You can’t understand until you are there.

I remember having a conversation with the one I didn’t get along with that went something along the lines of:
Me: We need a committee.
Her: We will when we get back, it will be those of us who are going.
Me: Oh ok.
There was more, but you get the gist.

I hope that Father and I can do justice to the people I have come to love so much.

I am so excited though honestly. I am going to go home tonight and find all the binders I have for Haiti and I probably need a few more to get everything organized. I have so much research on ministries and things that I need to share.

Lord, help me organize not only my materials but also my thoughts. Let me be the voice the people of Chateau deserve. Let me help lead this ministry in a way that will bring a smile to Your Face and glory to Your Name. Help me to be strong and voice my opinions, thoughts and ideas. Let me be strong to share my passion through my calling on that September night. Help me understand we all are passionate and have good ideas. Help me listen as well as speak. Help me to continue this passion, this calling in Your Name. Help us all put You first and the people of Chateau before ourselves and our wants, needs and desires.

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